Originally Posted by
MamaKit 
Dandylion,
Excellent point!
I couldn't agree more.
I think there are two elements that are common threads in the codie/A relationship. (1)Our control tendencies and (2) the difficulty an A has in having a meaningful 2-sided intimate relationship. This is why I think the happy or right mantra serves as a useful tool in this dynamic. It reminds us to give up on what we can't control as well as reminding us that it is pointless to argue with your A since the way their wet brain works, they wouldn't recognize "right" anyway.
That said, our codie tendencies can allow us to easily fall into the trap of peace at any cost, while we think we are just letting go of the need to be right.
I guess there is never a magic pill (or magic mantra).
MamaKit
I fell into the peace at all costs trap for most of my marriage. I realized that every time we would have a conversation about ME or MY feelings, within 5 minutes we'd be talking about AH and how the world had done him wrong and how crappy his life was and how he has nothing to live for, etc. I would argue his points, tell him he has a wonderful wife and son, point out some good things that happened to him in life. I knew I was right, he knew I was right, but he lives in excited misery most days and he just doesn't want to hear my 'right' or 'positiveness' nor does he empathize with my feelings. It's always been about him, always, and that's where I struggle the most. When to step in and try to get him to take the focus off himself for 2 freakin' minutes or when to just walk away and say, "I'd rather be happy knowing the positive stuff for myself, than try to convince him otherwise or prove him wrong." Anyway, it's always been a fine line for me because sometimes the negativity and poor me crap really make me frustrated!