Originally Posted by
cr995 
After being married to my AH for 26 years I felt I was no longer able to cope and very fortunately for me had to travel to a different country to help out with our son. Once I had some space i had to admit to myself how badly i had been treated by my AH. I started to notice that i was no longer going to sleep with my heart pounding full of hurt from his abuse. In December i finally told him i had started spending a lot of time with someone else and could not return to him while he was still drinking. I really thought he would make some attempt to save the marriage. Without any consultation or conversation he filed for divorce, got a girlfriend so young who if he had gone near 10 years ago he would have been arrested! (we are both in our late 40's) He has completely cut me out of his life to the point that he refused to even acknowledge my presence on the day of our daughters wedding 2 months ago. He refuses to speak to me and put the phone down if i ever called ( i don't anymore). I find myself lost . He is saying he is drinking much less with his new gf and has told her he will make sure he spends lots of time with her and they will take trips together etc etc all the things that he refused to pay any attention to in our marriage. I am so hurt i feel I cannot function - i started going to al-anon in june and while I understand that i have to focus on myself -i am having a tough time dealing with the reality of being so totally replaced so quickly. Has anybody else been dumped by an alcoholic who then goes on to live the second perfect marriage?
First of all, from my perspective HE did not dump you, YOU dumped him. You had already made the decision that the relationship was not enough for you and you told him so. You take his actions as somehow a reflection on you and your worth, a reason to feel badly about yourself? (At least that is what I have been doing.) Let me explain, the way they think in relationships is this: "What can I get from this person?" That's it. It's all about them and fulfilling their sick needs. If you tell them, "This is not working for me," what they hear is, "You're not getting anything else from me, I'm finished giving." So they move on to find someone who WILL give them what their sick minds want. Relationships are not for normal purposes for them! A normal relationship is about mutual support and encouragement, emotional health and growth, sharing life events and communicating, etc. For the alcoholic a relationship is an entirely different animal.
Second, the fact that he has filed for divorce and gotten a young GF is only more of the same evidence of who and what he actually is. As long as you continue to allow yourself to gain your esteem through OTHERS, you will continue to not be able to see this in your heart; you will continue to hurt. Anyway, that is what I have been doing all these months and I am sick of the hurt and the suffering. I know I need to stop.
Third... his words? Why are you listening to him? I wish you wouldn't. Do you seriously believe that what you have seen over the last
26 years living with this man is actually going to magically change all of a sudden because he is seeing someone else???? NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. He will continue to be EXACTLY who you have known him to be, and the fact that he is telling you this stuff is just another indication of how sick and insane he actually is. I strongly recommend you read this article by Dr. Floyd Garrett.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
First thing I would do if I were you is REFUSE to listen to him talk about ANYTHING personal. It is business only! And even then, email will suffice. When he starts telling you all this BS about his new GF and personal life, best to interrupt him and tell him you don't want to hear it, hang up the phone, or turn around and walk away. You remember that funny thing they used to do on TV in the 90s? "Talk to the hand cause these ears aren't listenin'" or however it went. That should be your new line with him.