There's something in alcoholic families called "stinkin' thinkin'"; it's thinking you do that isn't true or relevant that makes you unhappy.
You had an unhappy marriage that was forever in crisis it sounds like with a man who was/is verbally and emotionally abusive (nothing personal, they all get to that point, they can't help it) and was deteriorating physically, hygienically, socially and financially. You didn't want to continue the marriage or the lifestyle.
Originally Posted by
cr995 
... at the end of the 2 weeks i said to him the way things have been going i don't see myself ever coming back and he basically looked down at the floor, refused to look me in the eye and said - fine...
...while i desperately tried to be with someone else i just felt sad at the thought of any intimacy with them and the relationship was over by the new year.
...By the time my AH took up with new gf he was well aware of this and had told me how the thought of me coming to see him made him sick etc etc .
Neither of you want the marriage to continue. Both of you are unhappy. Both of you are using other people to fill the void and as a crutch.
I understand him accepting so quickly your desire to leave the marriage was a shock to you, you wanted him to be shocked into fighting for your relationship. But alcoholics don't have that ability to fight for a relationship, there comes a point where they can't fight for their marriages, their families, their children, their jobs. All they fight for is the ability to drink and to keep someone, ANYONE near by to take care of all the other aspects of their lives (their enablers).
You don't want to be that enabler. You've been that enabler and it's made you unhappy.
Originally Posted by
cr995 i hear constantly how i should move on but i just hurt so much and apart from going to al-anon dont really know what to do.... i was so obsessed with him at the time he met her i spend my time spying and snooping on him.
A very long term, crisis-filled, emotionally charged, toxic relationship has just ended. One that took up all your time, thought, efforts and emotions. Suddenly.... you have nothing to do. Nothing to think about. Nothing to feel. Without him and his drinking and his abuse and your worry about it, your life is suddenly, calm, quiet, boring, empty, without direction, emotionally flat, and you have nothing to think about, nothing to strive for, etc...
It's only natural that you try to fill it with what you know best, what's been in your life your whole adulthood--him and his drama. His drama with drinking, his drama with his new girlfriend, his drama with his mother, and his living arrangements and his income. That's what you are used to.
But maybe now is the time to fill your time and thoughts and efforts with YOUR drama: fill up your time with anything but him: french class, repaint the house, volunteer at the Humane Society, line dancing, learn to scuba dive (that's what I did when my alkie momma's boy marriage broke up, whoo hoo was it FUN!), anything, anything, ANYTHING is better than spying and snooping on this pathetic man and his screwed up girlfriend.
Also do individual therapy as well as al-anon; it will help you put him and you into perspective.
Originally Posted by
cr995 ... my AH has shall i say got a dwindling income and has just convinced his wealthy mother who has dementia to go and live with him and his gf abroad.... she had initially said she was young enough to be his daughter and could only ever be 'just friends' with him. i was horrified to see him reply - begging her to be with him as he could not sleep or eat as he was being driven crazy by her as he loved her so much! he said he could help her financially and in time she might not need alcohol to be with him ...
His income matters only as much as it pertains to the divorce.
As for the rest, it's unhealthy to collect this kind of information; but since you have and it's rattling around your head making you unhappy, put it in perspective. The guy is becoming poorer and dependent on someone with dementia (how fun!) with a girlfriend who thinks he's too old for her and who is using him for money and who needs to drink to be with him, and he's very insecure with her. You think YOUR life is crappy? His is not going to get better; if he doesn't stop drinking it's going to get worse and worse. If he does stop drinking, he has a couple years of hell while he detoxes and relearns sobriety.
Stop thinking about him and especially stop thinking about how good he has it. He doesn't. Go into radio silence about him. Except for what's needed for the divorce, and have your atty do that, cut him out of your life. Within a week or two, you'll feel so much better.
Your life has the potential to get better. Focus on that. Focusing on his life getting better or worse is nonproductive. Focusing on making your life better is wonderful.
Originally Posted by
cr995 when we were together i was constantly told about how i was not pulling my weight and was not doing enough to help us financially - (mind you i did enough to pay for the house outright including most of the furniture inside it!)
Yay! You can support yourself nicely. So many women in your situation can't. Be proud of yourself for this.
Originally Posted by
cr995 ... i did expect some attempt to keep me - but the total denial of any drink problem really threw me. the absolute refusal to accept that drinking played any part in our breakup. But yet he promised his gf's mother he would stop drinking and told our daughter he has really cut back...
That's what alcoholics do--they deny they have a drinking problem.
When I told my XAH that his drinking was ruining our marriage and our sex life, know what he did? He shaved his pubic hair. My "your drinking is ruining our marriage" was translated into "my wife is turned off by unshaven private parts". So he shaved and there! Problem solved! He was indignant when it resolved nothing. LOLOLOL.
That's what alkies do--they deny, deny, deny.
His promise to your daughter and his girlfriend's mother is meaningless.
Originally Posted by
cr995 ... he was or had become somebody i was embarassed about, dishevelled, unkempt, dirty and unwashed. No matter what i said or did he stayed that way till now, and all of a sudden he is clean and paying attention to his appearance. Why could he not make that effort towards our relationship?
Because again you are comparing a 26-year relationship with a 3-month relationship. If he met you now and you were only a couple months into a relationship with him, he'd clean up for you. If he'd been married to her for 26-years, he'd be a slob for her. It won't last. And it's not personal.