Many alcoholics can relate to your experience. They can be found on the SR forum for Alcoholics and they will be a great support to you.
The Big Book of AA can be read online. It is at
Big Book Online Fourth Edition. As soon as you start reading it, something in the words will speak to you. Because Bill W. was once just like you.
Things will never be okay between you and your wife until you are okay. And you can be. The Big Book and the fellowship of others who understand your challenges will save your life, and perhaps your marriage. But your life is precious and valuable and need not be and should not be sacrificed to the devastating effects of alcoholism. You deserve to live and to know happiness.
God bless you. Hope you get well. There is a solution.