Feeling like a stranger

Old 10-17-2012, 08:36 PM
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Feeling like a stranger

Im starting to feel like my wife is treating me like a stranger after last saturdays ordeal I had with drinking. I am rock solid as of today for quitting drinking completely, but my wife is barely looking at me.... saying anything nice at all..... and doesn't even want a hug. Usually after a rough go around it may take her a day to get past it and we continue on like I never over did it. While this may seem to be the ?!?!?answer in her eyes to get me to quit?!?!?!, it is really making me feel like our relationship is done and why should I even try. Im sure this is the alcoholism talking too, but this really makes me feel like garbage. The woman I have truly loved for 15 years and share 5 kids with is treating me like a stranger :/ - Has anyone here had similar issues such as this - did you overcome it or is this the signal of the beginning of the end?!?!
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Old 10-17-2012, 09:04 PM
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You might feel like you are rock solid, but if she is anything like me, she is waiting for the next drunken episode because that's how it's been in the past and why would it be different now. We have no control over your drinking. I don't know how many times I heard that he will stop drinking because the last event was too horrible. He always went right back.

While this may seem to be the ?!?!?answer in her eyes to get me to quit?!?!?!, it is really making me feel like our relationship is done and why should I even try.
A common thing I heard: "Don't act like that, it makes me want to drink." She is not responsible for your decisions. Maybe she is tired of sweeping it under the rug. I was, too. I, too, acted like nothing had happened and went on with the relationship. Until I couldn't anymore and was distant and cold. I didn't feel loved or safe, so I couldn't act loving and trusting.

As yourself what she has been through because of your drinking. If it were reversed, how would you feel?
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Old 10-17-2012, 09:06 PM
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PS: For my part, I want to see his commitment to sobriety by him being sober for an extended period of time and actively working on recovery.
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Old 10-17-2012, 09:08 PM
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Hey newbie!

Did you mean to post this in the Friends and Family section of SR?
This section is about supporting the family of alcoholics ~ like your wife.

We can move your thread, or you can stay here and take it like a man.....
your call
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Old 10-17-2012, 09:12 PM
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Not sure if you meant to post this on the A side
but since your here...........

My XAH and I had the same dance as you and your wife too

Drink, Abuse, Hurt Feelings, Cold, Kiss, and Act Like Nothing Happen
Repeat
Repeat
For almost 18 years
Then, we were both a mess!!!

Since Im a female, I will put it into the form of a shopping list

Here's my shopping list:
1.Quit drinking. STOP. Follow your 12 steps. Read it, Live it, Pray it, Believe in it!
2.Get into a recovery program and eat, sleep, live and suck it all in.
3.Seek help
4.Make changes.
5.Make amends
6.Get Honest.
7. Be True to yourself and others
8. Love Your Wife & Kid's With everything you have
9.Stop making excuses
10.Buck up and be a loving man, husband, father
11. Stop abusing your wife and children
12.Stop the poor me stuff..Boo!
13. Love yourself
14. If not AA, check into a rehab center. SAVE YOURSELF
15. Rejoice in your soul, that you have another chance to love yourself, life and your family..>SOBER!!!!!!!


Hope you do the "RIGHT" thing man!!! Your worth it and so is your family!!!
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Old 10-17-2012, 09:17 PM
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I hope you stay on this side and read the words of others

Im sure you will hear alot of hurt, anger and much pain

Im sure you will read alot of the same word's your wife has said to you
and words that your kids wish they could say to you

LISTEN, READ AND LEARN....With Love

Like a donut, dunk it in your milk and eat what you can!..Let the rest float down
to the bottom....
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Old 10-17-2012, 09:28 PM
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Many alcoholics can relate to your experience. They can be found on the SR forum for Alcoholics and they will be a great support to you.

The Big Book of AA can be read online. It is at Big Book Online Fourth Edition. As soon as you start reading it, something in the words will speak to you. Because Bill W. was once just like you.

Things will never be okay between you and your wife until you are okay. And you can be. The Big Book and the fellowship of others who understand your challenges will save your life, and perhaps your marriage. But your life is precious and valuable and need not be and should not be sacrificed to the devastating effects of alcoholism. You deserve to live and to know happiness.

God bless you. Hope you get well. There is a solution.
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Old 10-17-2012, 09:31 PM
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Originally Posted by anewchance View Post
after last saturdays ordeal I had with drinking.

my wife is barely looking at me.... saying anything nice at all..... and doesn't even want a hug.

Usually after a rough go around it may take her a day to get past it and we continue on like I never over did it.
I can understand why she is having a hard time.
I can understand why she is not willing to pretend that it is all nice.
I can understand why she does not want to look at you, or give you a hug.

I understand her fear.
The fear of living with someone who *says* he loves you, yet turns into a horrible drunken, violent, monster.
The horrible experience of watching someone you trust turn into a raging madman.
The fear of ANOTHER repeat performance is overwhelming.

Yeah, I think I understand why she feels like she is living with a complete stranger.
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Old 10-18-2012, 02:34 AM
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At some point in time , I just snapped, I said enough.

Not love, not time together, nothing, there is nothing that will change that fact that I do not and will not be in the sights of an active alcoholic, it's like being a caged animal.

It becomes a life of same ****, different day.

If she is sending you a message, listen to it.

Your drinking is turning her off. So now you have a decision to make. It's your to own, yours to change, if that is what you choose.
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Old 10-18-2012, 04:08 AM
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Oh, dear, well...all I can say is that "rock solid" since "last Saturday" may feel like a significant length of time to you, but it isn't going to feel like that to your wife. She has her own struggles with your drinking and she's going to need to see a much longer commitment to sobriety before the trust required for intimacy begins to return. As you continue to work on your recovery (and I do mean recovery, not just sobriety), she will need the space to work on hers.
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Old 10-18-2012, 04:34 AM
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Welcome,personally I have never seen where the 10 step white knuckling it, recovery program has worked. Have you considered getting into a more traditional program?

She doesn't trust you, your words, she needs to see long term action. Recovery is not about instant gratification, it is about a life long dedication to soberity.

If she is like me, she is tired of your empty promises, your bad behavior and giving you chance after chance, nothing changes if nothing changes and most important your drinking
does affect your children, they hear and see everything, they will carry their childhood into adulthood, they deserve a sober father, a good role model.
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Old 10-18-2012, 04:53 AM
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Often on this side we see "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."

Congrats on not drinking since Saturday....that is an important achievement. May I ask though if you feel comfortable sharing if you have been here in the past with your wife and what has happened previously. In other words have your past actions made it challenging for your wife to trust your current ones?
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Old 10-18-2012, 05:14 AM
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Hi a Newchance,

It is good that you are seeking out advice and information as this is your only way you will get a new chance at life. I read your other posts on the newcomers forum and my comments are in response to some of things you posted on there.

If you continue on the course you surely will end up in jail, institutionalized, dead and most likely will die alone like my alcoholic father did.

I am an ACOA and that stands for adult child of an alcoholic. I have 5 siblings and all of us either got involved with alcoholics or became one ourselves. Statistically there is a 50% greater chance that your children will repeat this pattern in your own family if they continue to be raised in alcoholic home. The "voice" that keeps telling you are OK and that you can drink behind closed doors and it won't affect you or your family is the "alcoholic voice" and it will destroy you and your family if you don't learn about this disease and treat it.

Your children are depending on you to help them navigate life and the choices you make NOW may have a great impact on their childhood, adulthood and future generations. It is a family disease.

You have taken the first step. You know you have a problem. The alcoholic voice is a liar. YOu are starting to realize that.

I am going to speak for those that have no voice. Your kids. I wish my dad had asked for help. He never did and suffered and caused others to suffer his entire life.

Call AA. Please. They will help you find meetings and someone to talk to you that has walked in your steps.

Suggest to your wife that she check out some alanon meetings. Let her know about this website and messageboard.

If you both seek support and knowledge your chances of success and true, authentic recovery and a healthy marriage and happy well adjusted kids who grow up and marry normal, healthy mates will grow enormously.

Listen to the alcoholic voice and try to white knuckle your way and you will find that this disease is deadly... and it is progressive. It gets worse.

Good luck to you. Please let us know how you are doing. We care.
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Old 10-18-2012, 05:15 AM
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I am the alcoholic wife. I have almost a year of sobriety. The best advice I can give you is to work on yourself. Become a healthy person and you will become a better father and husband. My husband still does not talk to me. I cannot say I'm okay with that but I have accepted it. I cannot change him only myself. It took me six months of pain to realize that. But now I look at it as a gift it made me look at me. I go to AA, read a lot and don't waste my energy on figuring out what he wants. I am now there for my kids and I love that. Do I think he will forgive me absolutely not. I have seen many people in AA make their marriages work. They give their spouse time and trust me one day or one month in their world does not show them much. Your actions will speak louder than words. Give her time to sort things out and work on yourself.
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Old 10-18-2012, 06:03 AM
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Sir, I'm glad you are concerned, that means you have feelings. Unfortunately, those feelings seem to be focused more on you than on her at this point.

I'm a guy whose Wife is the A. In the beginning I tried to brush it off, sweep it under the rub, etc., etc. At some point the non-A gets so fed up that they just can't deny what's going on and hold back their feelings. My Wife has cut back on her drinking, which is probably only a temporary band-aid to a long-term issue. But, when she does drink, and she hits the vodka, I get p*ssed. And each time it happens, I get colder and colder. Our 'bedroom life' (if you get the drift) is non-existent anymore.

The trust that she had is probably long gone, and only a long-term 'no episodes' pattern will possibly soften her up. She is probably 'detaching' - that is emotionally removing herself from you and your actions. I do it so that I don't drive myself crazy. She's in survive and protect mode, and that's reasonable for her to do this.

When you drink, you probably become hateful, accusatory, cold, etc. And you expecther to act differently towards you just because yesterday is yesterday? Sorry, it doesn't work that way.

Glad you posted, stick around and you'll learn a lot. You have some serious making up to do with your Wife. She deserves that much, and more.

C-OH Dad
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Old 10-18-2012, 11:29 AM
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It doesn't matter what you say, it's what you DO! Are you going to AA meetings daily, have a sponsor? If not words mean nothing. The onus is on you to prove she can believe and trust you.
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Old 10-18-2012, 11:58 AM
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For the spouse of an alcoholic, the saying "once bitten, twice shy" applies, except that it's more like "a thousand times bitten, a million times shy."

My alcoholic husband talked a good talk, but in the end his actions regarding sobriety (or lack of) spoke louder than words. After years of it, I'd finally had enough. Life is far too short to live with so much abuse, hurt and uncertainty.

She will look at your actions. She is not interested in your words, your empty promises, your excuses, your shifting of blame onto her. What action are you taking to get sober, stay sober, figure out why you drank in the first place, and mend the huge black hole in your life, marriage, and family? Alcoholism has a tremendous effect on the entire family, your children included. You have a choice.

So does she.
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Old 10-18-2012, 05:23 PM
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Its crazy how I posted this in the "wrong" area of the forum - but reading all the responses has really been an eye opener.... thank you all for that. Im sorry to hear that many of you have to deal or have dealt with issues like this.

After reading these responses, I truly feel selfish for even wondering why SHE is treating ME like this! Sounds ridiculous! I am really ashamed now :/ I am glad that I accidentally posted this here - helped ALOT
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Old 10-18-2012, 05:33 PM
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Originally Posted by anewchance View Post
Its crazy how I posted this in the "wrong" area of the forum - but reading all the responses has really been an eye opener.... thank you all for that. Im sorry to hear that many of you have to deal or have dealt with issues like this.

After reading these responses, I truly feel selfish for even wondering why SHE is treating ME like this! Sounds ridiculous! I am really ashamed now :/ I am glad that I accidentally posted this here - helped ALOT
Hoping that all goes well for you. Please keep us posted.

Take good care.
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Old 10-18-2012, 06:02 PM
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There is no shame to be had, it is all about awareness, and, a committment to change...for life. If you really want recovery, you will do whatever it takes to make it happen.

Sending my best your way.
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