I'm on day 4 sober. My last slip was last Wednesday and it was awful. I know I shared about it here. I felt so sick, even Friday I had trouble holding food down. I had the shakes, I was weak, I was so sad and afraid for my job. I missed Thursday and Friday. Again. I went to a meeting and really felt good there. I'm eager to go back (I worked until midnight tonight so I couldn't).
Anyway I had a fight with my SO, and my feelings were hurt. I was tired, worked a long day, and the minute I walked out the door to leave work I felt that spark of adrenaline and could visualize the bar. Cozy, warm, welcoming people making me feel better after my fight with SO, a pat on the back for working late and a tall cold one. Getting a good buzz on chatting with friends and strangers and who knows where the night could be going.
I pulled myself back into the moment and had such a mix of feelings. I wasn't in the bar, I was standing surrounded by gray concrete in the parking lot in the freezing cold rain. I felt sad, I felt angry that I couldn't go.
But I also felt weird too. All that pain and grief and sorrow and physical illness, nausea, trembling, blinding headache the day after my slip... the journaling, the writing about it here, the feeling that I couldn't wait to put as much chronological space between myself and my slip as possible, and just days later I'm feeling a temper tantrum that I can't go do it to myself again. I was just losing sleep (literally) over my job, and one day back and I'm ready to roll the dice all over again. All the gratitude and humility was out the window in an instant and it was all about me. Not the good, healthy real me - the addict me who wants to feel good now, now, now.
It's scary, it really is. It's scary how easy it would have been and how good it would have felt to go do what I wanted to do.
Reminds me of one of those crappy low budget horror movies where somebody's arm has a mind of its own and starts stabbing the person attached to it. Does that make sense? It's been a loooong day.
The upside is I'm home, I came straight home, I'm so happy at myself for getting myself home safe and sound and going to bed shortly.
Goodnight SR... thanks for being here
