backbeat

I'm on day 4 sober. My last slip was last Wednesday and it was awful. I know I shared about it here. I felt so sick, even Friday I had trouble holding food down. I had the shakes, I was weak, I was so sad and afraid for my job. I missed Thursday and Friday. Again. I went to a meeting and really felt good there. I'm eager to go back (I worked until midnight tonight so I couldn't).

Anyway I had a fight with my SO, and my feelings were hurt. I was tired, worked a long day, and the minute I walked out the door to leave work I felt that spark of adrenaline and could visualize the bar. Cozy, warm, welcoming people making me feel better after my fight with SO, a pat on the back for working late and a tall cold one. Getting a good buzz on chatting with friends and strangers and who knows where the night could be going.

I pulled myself back into the moment and had such a mix of feelings. I wasn't in the bar, I was standing surrounded by gray concrete in the parking lot in the freezing cold rain. I felt sad, I felt angry that I couldn't go.

But I also felt weird too. All that pain and grief and sorrow and physical illness, nausea, trembling, blinding headache the day after my slip... the journaling, the writing about it here, the feeling that I couldn't wait to put as much chronological space between myself and my slip as possible, and just days later I'm feeling a temper tantrum that I can't go do it to myself again. I was just losing sleep (literally) over my job, and one day back and I'm ready to roll the dice all over again. All the gratitude and humility was out the window in an instant and it was all about me. Not the good, healthy real me - the addict me who wants to feel good now, now, now.

It's scary, it really is. It's scary how easy it would have been and how good it would have felt to go do what I wanted to do.

Reminds me of one of those crappy low budget horror movies where somebody's arm has a mind of its own and starts stabbing the person attached to it. Does that make sense? It's been a loooong day.

The upside is I'm home, I came straight home, I'm so happy at myself for getting myself home safe and sound and going to bed shortly.

Goodnight SR... thanks for being here

Saliena

Early soberity is really really hard. Have you picked up some numbers of people you can call in those moments of weakness? I remember leaving a whole Carr of food in a grocery store because I could not walk pass the wine without buying a bottle. You are the only one!! Good job in taking care of your truer self and getting home!!

grenade

Good luck on staying sober. I am on day 1 myself!!

instant

Try to hang in there, it does get easier with time. The feelings will pass. If all else fails go to bed.

backbeat

I do have some numbers from the meeting I went to the other day but the problem is, this was around 1-2 am. I worked a really long day. I was thinking on the ride home how awesome it would be to have some kind of 24/7 conference call AA meeting, and I could just call the number and listen and maybe share while I was driving (I have that hands free thingy). That would sure help big time when my car is tempted to make a turn off the highway that isn't in my best interests.

backbeat

Thanks and good luck to you too, Grenade. We can do it.

RevivingOphelia

God, can I relate. Thank you for writing this out and hope all is well with you.

serious

The urges are quite strong on day 4...

but reality is different from what tend to think... we've been drinking for so long and so used to this "comfort" of being buzzed, that it seems impossible to enjoy anything else.

I've made some changes to the way you described your trip to the bar. I used to feel just like that, but now I can also see where I was dishonest with myself:

Cozy, warm, (hmm.. would it be as cozy and warm if I were sober?) welcoming (drunk) people making me (temporarily) feel better (actually feel less of anything) after my fight with SO, a pat on the back for working late and a tall cold one (five?). Getting a good buzz on (getting drunk) chatting with friends (drinking buddies) and strangers (other drunks) and who knows where the night could be going. (DUI? ... a fight, twisted ankle, a random bruise, throwing up, getting sick, feeling like crap the day after, guilt, regret, starting over again).

Toss

On day 5 myself - instead of going to a bar, it's stopping at a convience store on the way home for a 12 pack of the Silver Bullet (there are several). I like your description of the stabbing arm, I feel my arms might just steer towards the store and my legs walk in while the rest of me is saying "what are they doing???"

Stay strong,

Toss

Anna

Backbeat, when I look back at my thinking towards the end of my drinking days, it seems like insanity. Like you, I would just get through a really horrible few days, and then, there would be that whisper, back again.

And, you can always check in at SR when you get home late. There's always someone around here.