Hi LaurieG! You have landed in a terrific place for information, support, and education on addictions/alcoholism.
My name is DeVon, and I am a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic (22+ years), and a recovering codependent for 13 years.
I have two daughters, ages 34 and 24. My oldest is an active addict and codependent. My youngest is a codependent.
They both have broken "man-pickers," and certainly have made some poor choices in life, with the oldest having ten more years of experience in those choices than the youngest. My man-picker was broken for years and years.
It seems like an eternity that I spent trying to fix my oldest. I begged, pleaded, cajoled, bargained, and threatened to no avail. The end result was I stood at the precipice of losing my own recovery if I did not let go and let God.
I have worked hard over the years to step back and allow both daughters to live their lives as they see fit, despite how poorly it seems they do.
It's been a process, and still ongoing.
I was estranged from my oldest for many many years, and we still don't have a close relationship by any means.
I have also driven a deep wedge between my youngest and me a couple of times when I let fear drive my reactions in regard to two serious boyfriends she has had, both alcoholic.
For me, God is either everything, or he is nothing.
I had to go through everything I did in order to get to where I am, and I am a better person for it.
Who am I to dictate what is best for either of my daughters? Some of the most horrific things I went through earlier in life were blessings in disguise.
Those things brought me to my knees many times and I started to surrender, to change my life, to learn.
What you are seeing may very well be a blessing in a very unpleasant disguise right now.
With grandchildren in the mix, I understand how much more difficult that is. My oldest lost custody of both of my grandchildren years ago.
You have received many good suggestions. I personally use Alanon, individual therapy, reading (like Codependent No More) and Sober Recovery.
Sending you hugs of support, and I hope you continue to post!
