You know what guys? I think I've reached my breaking point. I've put up with a lot of crap from him since the beginning of the relationship, he hasn't stopped using and now I finally realize he never will. He gets incredibly defensive and says I can do as many drug tests on him as I want to "believe" he is clean, but that's not what I want.
So I'm starting a new job tomorrow, I'm sure he was upset at that because he kept making comments that I was planning to leave him anyway so I could live on my own. Then he turns it around and says that I will never be able to take care of myself financially and I always depend on my parents, was that his "sneaky" way of convincing me to stay with an emotionally abusive, deceiving two-faced alcoholic/drug addict? I fear now he's going to try and sabotage my chance at a really good paying job, like calling them up and saying horrible things about me.
I know he's been going to over to other women's houses, to do god knows what together, guess what he does? He hands me his phone and tells me to "READ MY TEXTS!" so I do and he wrote a message to a female friend that I "think that they are sleeping together and doing drugs and she always leaves me then comes back on my paydays (again with the accusing me of using him for money)" and then proceeds to freak out that I invaded his privacy for looking at his phone...
Anyway another fight ensued. He told me to "get the eff out" and then as soon as I'm grabbing as much as I can, he's upset that I'm leaving and just wishes I would "smarten up".
Anyway my fear is that I have a really weak heart, I've told myself so many times that "this is the last time" over and over....but I get sucked back in. Every. Single. Time. I fear that how much stress this causes me is going to give me suicidal tendencies, when I feel everything is hopeless and I'm as useless as he says I am...I know I need counselling, really bad now. Maybe it's my only way of breaking free. I really, really want out. For good, but I don't know how to tell myself to stay away for good.