Clap your hands if you're about to lose your mind

Old 10-07-2012, 09:39 PM
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Clap your hands if you're about to lose your mind

Hi friends,

I posted on here a little over a month ago -- I saw things were progressing with my current ABF so I decided to see if things would calm down. Well they were initially until the drinking started getting heavier.

I went out to a birthday party for my friend on Friday night and he was supposed to come pick me up around 12:30ish or so and he didn't show up. I called about 10x and he kept saying he would be there in 15 minutes/10 minutes etc. but he NEVER SHOWED UP! Oops, looks like he had a few too many drinks to actually come pick me up. Oh yes, he was attempting to drive my car around drunk. I got home with the help of my friends but I couldn't believe he would be that irresponsible...again!

I honestly have no idea what he was doing or WHO he was with (I knew he went to visit some people beforehand). I was so livid with him, I depended on HIM to stay sober just so I could have a night out and I can't. Why? Because he always has to drink. He can never be a DD, and god forbid I ever go out with friends because he's always stirring up crazy whenever I'm not around. I'm always the babysitter.

Out of curiosity, I checked his phone and he wrote a message to the same dealer (who sold my ABF "speed") that he had "20 bucks for a line" that same night. I confronted him early this morning about it and he gave me crap for checking his phone and said that he intentionally wrote that to see if I would check (because obviously if I see he's still talking to a dealer that he never cut off, I'm going to be angry).

Now I get that checking phones isn't a good idea, but I really felt that I was being lied to about Friday night. So I left, I had to go to work (again) with a fake smile on my face and make it through the day and enjoy Thanksgiving with my family afterwards. All while he's sitting at home and pounding beers back (as usual).

So guys, I'm at a loss. I'm really tired of this bullsh*t. I know we all are. Sometimes I feel ashamed for even bringing this up because I know a lot of people are like "What were you thinking returning to that jerk?" All my friends and family hate him, and I don't blame them. I used to stick up for him, shrugged off his irrational behavior, KEEP GOING BACK TO HIM for crying out loud! But I'm not strong anymore. I feel like my entire confidence and self-esteem has been ripped apart.

I know nobody can make a decision for me and I always heard that people will generally wait a year for an addict to prove their soberity to the people they love. Does anyone ever have a AGF/ABF that will actually say "screw it, I'm not waiting a year for you to take me back"
I know I sure do, very impatient and thinks they are always magically cured of their addictions and things should go back to normal after about 3 days.

A part of me says I should just let some other woman deal with him (because I highly suspect he will probably get together with another girl, because whenever I leave, he always says I'm screwing around with other guys and since they have that mentality "IF they're doing it; I'm doing it" so what's to stop him) and maybe I can maybe live a stress-free life again?

Why is it so hard to walk away?

And another note I'd like to ask about...my past boyfriends before him were addicts/alcoholics/emotional issue types. I never dated these people very long (I was never in love with them, so it was easier to walk away) but as soon as the issues starting arising with my current ABF, I was wondering if I just had poor selection in my choice of men over the past few years.

I saw a lot of people's replies that we initially attract these types of people in our lives. But how? I just really want to know how we do it? Do we come off as needy or lonely? Addicts just don't show their true colors to us right away, otherwise none of us would be here if they did. Is this strictly a personality problem that only a counselor can tell us about and help us fix? I'm just really curious because I don't really see how we do this. Is it the same reason why we keep giving them about hundreds of chances to change themselves?
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Old 10-08-2012, 06:43 AM
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Originally Posted by SoLongFarewell View Post

And another note I'd like to ask about...my past boyfriends before him were addicts/alcoholics/emotional issue types. I never dated these people very long (I was never in love with them, so it was easier to walk away) but as soon as the issues starting arising with my current ABF, I was wondering if I just had poor selection in my choice of men over the past few years.

Your picker is broken.

I saw a lot of people's replies that we initially attract these types of people in our lives. But how? I just really want to know how we do it?
Sounds like a pattern. Have you considered sick attracts sick?

Allowing him to use your car is enablement. That's a part of your role in all of this. He drives under the influence and is dangerous to others. From a practical stand point, what are you going to do for transportation when he totals your car or it is impounded?

Given you don't seem ready to let go, can you consider no longer allowing him to use your car?

As for you, have you considered getting some professional help to learn how to choose better BFs?
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Old 10-08-2012, 06:43 AM
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Thirteen long years after I had completed rehab for my alcoholism/addictions, I finally hit a bottom in my codependency in regard to relationships with men.

The one common denominator in all those relationships was me. Before I started seeing it for what it was, I was convinced I was just unlucky in love.

One of my old sponsors told me that it wasn't nearly as important to answer "why" in situations, but rather to ask "what can I do about it now?" Figuring out the why was something I drove myself nuts with early in recovery because I was the great analyst.

When my ex-fiance of 15 months walked out in July 1999, that was when I made the firm commitment to have no men in my life as far as dating or relationships until I had made a lot of progress in my own codependency recovery, and to begin repairing my own "broken-ness" inside.

Alanon was/is a tremendous resource. Therapy has been beneficial. Two books that made a huge impact on me are "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.

Sending you hugs on the Kansas winds!
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Old 10-08-2012, 07:30 AM
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Been there done that got a XXX t-shirt to prove it. We are the ones who allow this kind of crap in our lives. We are the ones who believe they will change because they said so. We are the ones who constantly give of ourselves and allow them to keep taking. We are the ones who think that we have a future with these people. We are the ones who keep backing down.

So, we can walk away and never look back, we can join the codependency groups, or we can resolve ourselves to the future of lies, manipulation, constant kick to our self esteem until they decide to quit the addiction, us or life.

I am for the seeing the counselor living my life whether he wants to be in it or not. I can't live for him nor do I depend on him to make me happy.

Just my opinion and you know what they say about opinions.
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Old 10-08-2012, 10:44 AM
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Were you raised in a home where addiction was present? Some of this could be due to your learned behavior patterns.

Loaning him your vehicle is not a good decision, if he kills or mames someone while drunk you are also in deep do do, your insurance could be cancelled or increased to an
unmanagable cost.

I would also suggest that the books that Freedom has suggested and get yourself to Alanon meetings.
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Old 10-08-2012, 02:20 PM
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Red face

I've had a pattern of dating emotionally unavailable men. My deceased AH was the "first" (and last!) person with addiction issues. For me, it all stemmed from my childhood and how really, my dad was just not "there" emotionally for me... ever. I have gotten some great counselling under my belt and am at the place where I no longer blame him (or my mum) for how I turned out. It's my choices that have gotten me to where I am today and I believe if we just stop and really pay attention, we can do what needs to be done to make our lives saner and happy.

You had said "I know nobody can make a decision for me and I always heard that people will generally wait a year for an addict to prove their soberity to the people they love. Does anyone ever have a AGF/ABF that will actually say "screw it, I'm not waiting a year for you to take me back" I know I sure do, very impatient and thinks they are always magically cured of their addictions and things should go back to normal after about 3 days."

This was a continual cycle with Chris and me - after 20+ times of him "expecting" me to just forget and move on after some huge incident (him disappearing for a few days, selling our stuff, verbally abusive, major temper tantrums etc) I finally had enough and told him he had to be sober and clean for at least a year before I would consider being with him again. I stuck to my decision and he absolutely hated it (and me)... I wouldn't change my mind and unfortunately, he gave up all hope for himself and died of an accidental overdose.

My boundary was never to accept that kind of behaviour in my life anymore. Regardless of Chris getting better or not, this was something I promised myself I would never allow to happen again. If Chris had gotten better, then that would have been a bonus... but
I had to make this choice for myself alone.

Hugs to you
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Old 10-08-2012, 09:40 PM
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You know what guys? I think I've reached my breaking point. I've put up with a lot of crap from him since the beginning of the relationship, he hasn't stopped using and now I finally realize he never will. He gets incredibly defensive and says I can do as many drug tests on him as I want to "believe" he is clean, but that's not what I want.

So I'm starting a new job tomorrow, I'm sure he was upset at that because he kept making comments that I was planning to leave him anyway so I could live on my own. Then he turns it around and says that I will never be able to take care of myself financially and I always depend on my parents, was that his "sneaky" way of convincing me to stay with an emotionally abusive, deceiving two-faced alcoholic/drug addict? I fear now he's going to try and sabotage my chance at a really good paying job, like calling them up and saying horrible things about me.

I know he's been going to over to other women's houses, to do god knows what together, guess what he does? He hands me his phone and tells me to "READ MY TEXTS!" so I do and he wrote a message to a female friend that I "think that they are sleeping together and doing drugs and she always leaves me then comes back on my paydays (again with the accusing me of using him for money)" and then proceeds to freak out that I invaded his privacy for looking at his phone...

Anyway another fight ensued. He told me to "get the eff out" and then as soon as I'm grabbing as much as I can, he's upset that I'm leaving and just wishes I would "smarten up".

Anyway my fear is that I have a really weak heart, I've told myself so many times that "this is the last time" over and over....but I get sucked back in. Every. Single. Time. I fear that how much stress this causes me is going to give me suicidal tendencies, when I feel everything is hopeless and I'm as useless as he says I am...I know I need counselling, really bad now. Maybe it's my only way of breaking free. I really, really want out. For good, but I don't know how to tell myself to stay away for good.
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Old 10-09-2012, 04:41 AM
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Originally Posted by SoLongFarewell View Post
Then he turns it around and says that I will never be able to take care of myself financially and I always depend on my parents, was that his "sneaky" way of convincing me to stay with an emotionally abusive, deceiving two-faced alcoholic/drug addict?
Things my AH said to me when I told him I was getting my own place with the kids and not moving out to the new state where he is:

"Your motivating factor is living off your dad and you will suck him dry like your tweaker sister."

"Your dad probably isn't going to make it another year, then who will help you financially?"

(my dad is paying for my lawyer, everything else I can afford to do)

"You are just one big mistake away from killing someone and losing your license.". (I'm a nurse)

"I'm just concerned for you when winter comes, having to clear snow from the driveway, you know the cold is too hard on you."

He also told his lawyer we used drugs together (not true) and said DCFS would come put the kids in foster care. He threatened me with criminal kidnapping charges because I didnt give him my new home address. He threatened me for money and shut off my cell. These are just the few things I can remember.

To answer your question, yes they use threats to manipulate us. Yes you can support yourself. Figure a budget, get a roommate. Whatever it takes.

Dont wrap your self esteem up in what he says. He is a low life addict who cant cope with life without getting high and cant keep a woman without threats.
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Old 10-12-2012, 06:04 AM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
Were you raised in a home where addiction was present? Some of this could be due to your learned behavior patterns.

I forgot to answer that dollydo and I was meaning too.

It's highly possible, my brother is an alcoholic (he has been since age 15 and he's 25 now). He used to really rebel against my parents (who put up with his behavior, so I guess that's another sign) many years ago.

I know he used to deal drugs, take them, go to the ER a couple of times because of them and that all seemed to stop within the last 5-4 years (but my mom does not believe he was ever on drugs to begin with?)

I think what I'm understanding is, my parents always helped him out no matter what. My brother is still an active alcoholic and two years ago he was put in jail for a couple of days for physically assaulting his girlfriend at the time, what did my parents do? They let him live with us (I was there too)! Where he continued to drink like a fish. Now his current girlfriend complained to me about his active drinking and how he verbally abuses her (sound familiar?)

I don't know much about Co-Dependency yet besides looking at a few signs and behaviors about it, which I seem to have, heck, I didn't even know co-dependency was an actual behavior until I came on here but I do thing I learned some (if not all) of this behavior from my parents and even possibly my brother, thinking that's just the way alcoholics/users will treat their spouses/girlfriends/boyfriends etc and we're supposed to help them no matter what.
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Old 10-12-2012, 07:59 AM
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Originally Posted by FindingErica View Post
He is a low life addict who cant cope with life without getting high and cant keep a woman without threats.
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Old 10-12-2012, 08:56 AM
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I have done some intensive therapy on codependency.

For me, it was very helpful to note some of the formative patterns that I was operating with when it came to making choices in relationships. But I also agree that you don't necessarily need to know what the formation is...to move into the solution. I just personally have found it helpful.

My pattern? I was a daddy's girl...I was #6 of 7 kids and my mom simply did NOT have time or emotional space for me (long story...) but everyone else was afraid of my dad because he was a rageful man...THAT is where I found my love! I learned to navigate the very dangerous waters that no one else wanted to dip their toe in...and I learned to swim! I had a soft spot next to that raging grizzly bear. in short...it "worked" I got at least a little of the love I so desperately needed as a child! Every child needs love!

who knows...maybe that desperate need also created a starvation mode addiction to love, re: when you find it keep it!! no matter what...

fast forward...
to my love affair with bad boys. rock stars, artists, drug users all. but the last was the worst! I had been never been around anything like crack!! (all the rest were weed smokers and I was an alcoholic myself...) I was willing to navigate life with the bad boys to get the love I wanted/needed...and with the most dangerous one I met (the one addicted to crack) I thought I had won the lottery...the "reformed" bad boy...I had won the prize, and I was willing to help "maintain" his "reformed" status to keep the precious love I had discovered!

all this said...it helped me to get an overview of my pattern, to see the fundamental place where it began. why wouldn't I feel as though I could "get it to work" it had before.

now...add in the manipulative, guilt tripping, blaming, shaming, deceitful techniques that are part and parcel to the addict/codependent relationship and the pattern can get locked in. you must become Houdini for your own life!

the longer you stay in relationship with an addict the more twisted/locked in you can become. that is why al anon/nar anon is a WE program, we help each other gain perspective on our situation.

"Facing Codependency" by Pia Mellody is an amazing book that helps you to see/discover the origin of your capacity for codependency. Not that you NEED to know the origin, but I personally found it helpful.
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