1tiredchick

I wanted to share a poem I wrote to my AH. He left me in April after being together 10 years. Those 10 years were typical alcoholism story... the whole lying, blaming, no helping with bills, no sex, no affection, name calling, screaming, yelling, crying, begging, sad and sick story. I was a fabulous enabler. We stayed separated as much time as we stayed together. Every few months for years... the same steps... separate, miss each other, make promises, get back together, honeymoon, and back to hell. He stayed gone 9 months last year but we stayed in contact. He went to detox for 10 days last August and to AA sometimes twice a day till April. We truly thought 10 days of detox was going to fix 30 years of drinking. He was signed up for rehab but called and took his name off the list. He never made it 30 days sober and attempted suicide 3 times from August to April. He was showing major signs of brain damage (staggering wide gait, memory loss really bad, eye problems, erratic mood swings, irrational behavior etc) and actually told me there was something wrong with his head "other than the drinking" he said. One day he just left, cursing me every breath. Then called me the next day and left a message that said there was something wrong with his head, he needed help and he was sorry he put me thru hell, and that he loved me. I have heard nothing since but for one letter that told me his "counselors and doctors" said he should have no contact with me. I wrote back to him twice but have heard nothing. I had a rough time with that and has taken me 6 months just to not cry every day. Sadly, I know he is still drinking because I saw him 2 weeks ago pulling out of his favorite bar "slow riding" as he called it... all over the road. I simply can not understand why he left or why he cut off communication. I don't believe his counselors told him not to contact me. I I know I should thank God he is gone because our lives were a mess... I go from anger to anguish... not understanding was killing me...but after a doctor's visit, Alanon friends and counseling with my pastor... I can finally see the sun just peeping thru the clouds. wow... and I'm going to survive this ... but anyway, this is the poem I wrote and mailed to him only 2 months ago.

Unseen Plans

Such a long journey, a wondrous affair,
To suddenly arrive, but nothing is there?
We dreamed of castles built in the sky,
Our vision got clouded but what went awry?
Were the visions just daydreams of things unaware
Lord how did we get to this fearful nightmare?
Sadness and dread both at the same time,
That I will awaken at morning to find
The big bed still empty, my heart still alone,
The dreams and the promises all of them gone.
The king of my castle, the lord of my heart
Taken prisoner and bound by the enemy’s dart
And I know there was nothing to possibly do
To untie the chains satan wrapped around you.

But God like a lighthouse shines His great light
Forever a beacon in this stormy dark night
And I stand on the shore with His light up above
Watching and waiting with a heart full of love.
I know that somehow there will come a day
When you’ll see God’s beacon and you’ll find the way
And He will untie you and loose you from chains
And I’ll still be waiting while my life remains.

If I had the strength and the power to find
The place where he holds you a prisoner in mind
I would fight every demon in satan’s domain
And give up my life for your freedom to gain.

But I am just human and God doesn’t need me
To interfere with His promise to set the captives free
And so I can only just wander and wait
And pray for the day when you walk through our gate.

With your head held up high and a smile on your face
A heart full of thanks for the Savior’s embrace
That healed all your wounds and took all your pain
And righted your course and removed every stain.

And THEN God will reveal HIS plan for you
To be strong and be faithful, to be honest and true
To be a lighthouse to others now with God’s light in you
So that those still in darkness can find their way home too.


August 2012