Heartbroken,
I cannot tell you what to put in your plan, because I think we really have to determine for ourselves what is best for us based on our situations; but I can share what I did – mistakes and all.
When my husband got hooked on opiates (after surgery); it took me a while to figure out what was going on. The only real trouble between us was that he had started to get drugs from guys at his office, and then he started staying out with them until 2 – 3 am. He still held down a good job, paid bills, wasn’t abusive to me or anything ( emotional or physical abuse changes things), but we did argue about his behavior and I started telling him that if he wanted to live like this, then he needed to go live the drug lifestyle he wanted, and not come home until he was done and wanted to get well.
So that is basically what he did; and it took a year. I don’t know if my husband really had a bottom; he just got tired of living that way, and said he wanted his life back, wanted our marriage back. He was able to afford an apartment, kept his good job, still paid part of the bills of our home, no legal problems, no health problems except he did progress and started using more drugs and was physically addicted to Opiates, Benzos, and cocaine.
Looking back, I actually regret asking him to leave. I think had I handled things differently then he might have realized he had a problem sooner; asking him to leave was more like a yay- Im free to try all these things and have fun for a while. (if that makes sense). So Im more for early intervention if at all possible; if they are willing. I mean yes, my husband did get tired of it & thankfully came home and asked for help before worse things happened; but will just never know, so… ? Whats done is done, cant go back.
So there is not right or wrong in my opinion of your staying together during this process. It depends on your feelings, your safety, the dynamics of your relationship, and what help he decides to pursue.
There are many options available for recovery when he is ready; free 12-step programs like NA, private counseling, non-12 step programs like AVRT, Smart. What matters most is that he has the desire to stop, and finds something that will help him do that, and also help him deal with the emotional damage that has been done to him during this time, and any issues that contributed to his desire to use in the first place.
My husband went to a non-12 step rehab, and now he works with a therapist weekly. He has been clean going on 6 months now. I don’t do al-anon, but I do work with a therapist myself a couple times a month. Al-anon I hear is great for the interaction, and realizing you are not alone in this struggle.
Whatever you do, realize that you have time to develop your plan. It will most likely be an ongoing process and will need modifications down the road.
I think it is great that you are taking this opportunity to learn, and begin looking forward because it is so easy forget our needs when addiction comes into the picture.
Best of luck to you, and the fiancé.