Need a plan before he comes back

Old 10-06-2012, 07:00 PM
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Need a plan before he comes back

I have been reading on this forum all day to educate myself into awareness. Thank you SR and everyone on it for creating such a wonderful online community.

Sparing you the long details, my boyfriend was sober for awhile and working his program, going to therapy, on Suboxone and Prozac, meeting, etc. but relapsed about two months ago and has relapsed again twice since then. He's suicidal, depressed and hopeless. When I ask him what's wrong, he says that he's very sad and he's tired of the fight.

SR, please tell me what you think my options are. Like I said, I've been reading all day, and one thing that stuck for me was from one user who said that rock bottom could be just a circumstance away, stop blocking the doorway. I am very willing to stop my codependent behaviors, one day at a time.

My question is, is there an in between ground? Are there only two options in this case- kick him out and break up with him or let him in? Please bear with me, I am still new at this. What I mean is, I want to stop enabling him, and I don't want him back in this house until he's sober. But I also can't stand the pain of losing him either (which led me to inadvertently to enabling behavior). I want him in my life, but sober and recovering. What can I do? Do we have to break it up entirely, or can I love him from a distance until he hits his bottom and then recovers on his own?
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Old 10-06-2012, 07:32 PM
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I am sorry your are in this sitaution. It's so painful. I will let others with more experience and recovery answer you because I still stink at this and need their experience, strength and hope too.

But I do know that God will have your answers if you listen.
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Old 10-06-2012, 08:07 PM
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1. Time apart. Neither break up nor let him back in your house. He can stay with family, friends, a roommate, or in rehab, a sober living/working facility, extended stay place, rental, or house of his own. Hopefully, it won't come to the last three places: institution, jail or morgue.

2. Recovery. You go to Al-Anon/Nar-Alon meetings and work the program. You will learn to stop enabling and being a codependent, among other things. You will stop worrying about his recovery, and only focus on keeping your side of the recovery street clean. Keep reading and posting here too! Will you feel lonely, sad, miss him etc etc.? Absolutely. He will miss his DOCs for one and you too/two ... until he recovers (give it a year to two minimum) to the point you become first again!

3. Continuing sobriety and working the programs. That must be priority #1 in your future relationship if there is to be one.
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Old 10-06-2012, 11:21 PM
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Heartbroken, I went back and read your first post to see what your situation is.

Your boyfriend of 7 months is a seriously addicted polydrug addict--heroin, benzos, methadone abuse, in fact, it seems he will take anything that will get him high. You knew him a long long time ago. He came back into your life 7 months ago and you began an extremely intense and romantic reunion with him. And then--I hope I have the time frame accurate--after 5 months of dating you, he started using again. And is now using, suicidal, depressed.

You are living with him. And you are wondering if you should kick him out until he gets sober. (He moved into your place?)

Yes. You should separate from him. He is in active addiction and has never put together a long-time program of recovery. His brain is still damaged, he is still driven to use almost any drug which will change his mood, and he is incapable of authentically connecting with you. He will lie to you every day, and he will find ways to keep using behind your back. He is in full-blown active addiction. So yes. You should separate.

"Sober" does not happen with a few months' of clean time (and with addicts, one never knows if those months are really clean). "Sober" takes years. One year is the general time frame to achieve some semblance of mental and emotional stability. But the second year is tough, too. The first two years are very tough, there is tremendous stress for the addict and he needs daily support, multiple weekly meetings, and often ongoing medical treatment, especially if depression, or any other mental illnesses are a complicating factor.

What he does not need is a girlfriend who wants connection, intimacy, and mutual give-and-take, during the first very hard year of his recovery. He will be distracted, moody, probably depressed, anxious, insecure. He will be self-absorbed and often self-pitying and very self-centered. She will hurt with loneliness and with confusion. He will resent her needing what he cannot yet give. Both will suffer and will blame the other.

You do not have to break up with him today. But you need to make a plan to live separately while he takes full responsibility for his drug use and potential recovery.

This is not the time in his life for a mature, committed relationship. He cannot handle it. He will not meet your needs and he will resent you for asking of him anything related to your needs.

The romantic affair was a high you both shared for 5 months. It could not possibly be sustained. He has never been sober.

Now reality--the reality that he is in active addiction which is critical and which leads to a terrible outcome without permanent ongoing abstinence--has stepped forward and there is no escaping this. You must face it head on. It will be impossible to recapture what the first five months of romance were like. Things now are hard and serious and will remain so for a long time. Addiction is a deadly disease. It destroys the individual physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It destroys his relationships and his goals. Eventually it takes him completely. So whether or not you get to be his girlfriend.....it just can't be important today.

You can separate while he does what he has to do. You can stay in touch if you want to, but with no expectations and no demands. Then let time show you what happens next.
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Old 10-07-2012, 04:39 AM
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What English Garden said.

And, there is nothing wrong with taking a break from the relationship until he is clean/sober and
working a strong recovery program for at least a year. What's the rush? You can ineed love him from afar until he gets healthy. In the meantime. work on you.
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Old 10-07-2012, 05:03 AM
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I agree, English Garden said it well.

Putting distance between you right now keeps you safe, and gives you your home back, your safe place. If he really wants recovery he will find it, if he doesn't, you will see that more clearly from a safe distance.

I know this is hard for you and sad for him. There is an old saying "Let go or get dragged" and never was it more appropriate than when trying to live with an active addict.

Hugs
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Old 10-07-2012, 06:08 AM
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I can't tell you how much all of your words are helping me. I know I have become self-obsessed, and making this more about me. I am realizing that now. Either way, your words are bringing tears to my eyes.

These are tough words to hear, but I know that I need to hear them. It's even harder putting them into action, but I know that it needs to be done. Today has been easier than yesterday so far, and it's because I've been on this forum constantly, so thank you so much.

EnglishGarden, your reply was so true, inspiring, and gave me focus. I truly didn't know what I was getting into. Thank you for reading my story and first post. It is amazing how fast you grasped the circumstances and knew exactly what was going on. You made a comment, "The romantic affair was a high you both shared for 5 months. It could not possibly be sustained. He has never been sober." I cried when I read this. Someone else along the way forewarned me that he may be replacing drugs with me. I never knew what that meant until now. I can see more clearly now what exactly is happening, both for him and for me, and I can't thank you enough.


Ann- "Let go or get dragged." I think I officially have my mantra. Thank you so much.

DollyDo- Thank you for your words. I have one question though- what does that mean to love him from afar? Am I able to see him, talk to him, date him, what? I don't know what the best thing would be to do there.

Titanic- I know he can go to all of these places, but the sad, sad, reality is that he will choose to stay in a tent. A normally beautiful, well dressed, well spoken and intelligent man living in a tent. It is so sad to see him deteriorate to that.

Lovemenot- Your compassion brings tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for being here for me and reminding me to pray. Last night I prayed that God either fight the demons that he is fighting right now for him, or help him find the strength to fight them himself.

Today is the second morning that I didn't wake up next to him. It truthfully does hurt, but today I woke up a little easier. My perception is wider. I hope that the thought "putting things on hold for a year" will be easier to accept with each passing day. I care about him, and I want him to be happy. I care about myself too. So if this is what needs to be done, then so be it.

But for now, SR, could you please guide me through this? I really am new at this. Normally I would call around, be in a panic, try to find him. Today I am proud that I didn't even pick up the phone yesterday when an unknown caller came through. I'm really trying to get out of the way and let him fall. What do I do today? How long do binges last normally? The other relapses lasted 2 days, but they were also expedited with cops. That made me cringe just saying that.
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Old 10-07-2012, 07:13 AM
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Also, I am seeing two different viewpoints as I'm reading. Some say to let him fall on his own and let him come to the realization on his own. Others say that rock bottom can be a fallacy, and early intervention can be just as helpful. They say to get him into an intervention program/rehab, etc. where he can come to the same realizations.

What do you think, knowing my situation?
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Old 10-07-2012, 08:08 AM
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If HE doesn't want recovery, then no intervention, program, or rehab is going to do a lick of good. The best way for him to want recovery is to be so miserable that he is willing to do anything to get better. This is HIS problem to work out, not yours.

In the meantime, take care of yourself. Get to al-anon or nar-anon and get yourself better. That's the only thing over which you have any control.
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Old 10-07-2012, 01:04 PM
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"DollyDo- Thank you for your words. I have one question though- what does that mean to love him from afar? "

You do not have to live with someone to be in love with them. He needs to find his own way out of the hell called "Addiction". Sometimes, love means letting go, one can actually "love" a person to death. Enabling and allowing the addict to have a soft place to land, is not the answer, in fact when dealing with an addict, it is counterproductive and only keeps the addict from reaching their bottom.

I know that you are in pain, however, try to accept the reality of the situation, you are not helping him or yourself, as it stands now, this is a no win situation. When and if he is ready, he will stop using and get into a recovery program, this will be in his own time and on his own terms.

You sound like a good person, be good to yourself, let go.
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Old 10-07-2012, 01:56 PM
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I second all that English Garden said and all of the echoes from her post. I didn't let go and I got dragged....terribly. Horribly. I wish that I had had the strength/awareness to insist on separate residences while my now ex attempted to get into recovery. Instead, my home was his 1/2 way house. Yes...he was temporarily sober but not in "recovery". A lot of really bad stuff happened and I was treated in ways that it is taking me a good while to recover from.

Nothing wrong in stepping back and seeing what he is willing to do for himself. It's hard not to behave in a co-dependent way when you are smack in the midst of it. I worked a solid Alanon program and still struggled terribly.

In hind sight....what I wish I had done was to get deeply involved in my own recovery program, get a sponsor and work the steps with her. I should have maintained separate housing and stood firm to my boundaries. I would not want to have any sort of emotional or physical involvement with someone that did not have significant clean or recovery time (at least 1 year). No one says you have to stop caring and loving him - but maybe just do it from afar.
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Old 10-07-2012, 02:20 PM
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Heartbroken,

I cannot tell you what to put in your plan, because I think we really have to determine for ourselves what is best for us based on our situations; but I can share what I did – mistakes and all.

When my husband got hooked on opiates (after surgery); it took me a while to figure out what was going on. The only real trouble between us was that he had started to get drugs from guys at his office, and then he started staying out with them until 2 – 3 am. He still held down a good job, paid bills, wasn’t abusive to me or anything ( emotional or physical abuse changes things), but we did argue about his behavior and I started telling him that if he wanted to live like this, then he needed to go live the drug lifestyle he wanted, and not come home until he was done and wanted to get well.

So that is basically what he did; and it took a year. I don’t know if my husband really had a bottom; he just got tired of living that way, and said he wanted his life back, wanted our marriage back. He was able to afford an apartment, kept his good job, still paid part of the bills of our home, no legal problems, no health problems except he did progress and started using more drugs and was physically addicted to Opiates, Benzos, and cocaine.

Looking back, I actually regret asking him to leave. I think had I handled things differently then he might have realized he had a problem sooner; asking him to leave was more like a yay- Im free to try all these things and have fun for a while. (if that makes sense). So Im more for early intervention if at all possible; if they are willing. I mean yes, my husband did get tired of it & thankfully came home and asked for help before worse things happened; but will just never know, so… ? Whats done is done, cant go back.

So there is not right or wrong in my opinion of your staying together during this process. It depends on your feelings, your safety, the dynamics of your relationship, and what help he decides to pursue.

There are many options available for recovery when he is ready; free 12-step programs like NA, private counseling, non-12 step programs like AVRT, Smart. What matters most is that he has the desire to stop, and finds something that will help him do that, and also help him deal with the emotional damage that has been done to him during this time, and any issues that contributed to his desire to use in the first place.

My husband went to a non-12 step rehab, and now he works with a therapist weekly. He has been clean going on 6 months now. I don’t do al-anon, but I do work with a therapist myself a couple times a month. Al-anon I hear is great for the interaction, and realizing you are not alone in this struggle.

Whatever you do, realize that you have time to develop your plan. It will most likely be an ongoing process and will need modifications down the road.

I think it is great that you are taking this opportunity to learn, and begin looking forward because it is so easy forget our needs when addiction comes into the picture.

Best of luck to you, and the fiancé.
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