View Single Post
Old 10-06-2012, 11:21 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
EnglishGarden
Member
 
EnglishGarden's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Heartbroken, I went back and read your first post to see what your situation is.

Your boyfriend of 7 months is a seriously addicted polydrug addict--heroin, benzos, methadone abuse, in fact, it seems he will take anything that will get him high. You knew him a long long time ago. He came back into your life 7 months ago and you began an extremely intense and romantic reunion with him. And then--I hope I have the time frame accurate--after 5 months of dating you, he started using again. And is now using, suicidal, depressed.

You are living with him. And you are wondering if you should kick him out until he gets sober. (He moved into your place?)

Yes. You should separate from him. He is in active addiction and has never put together a long-time program of recovery. His brain is still damaged, he is still driven to use almost any drug which will change his mood, and he is incapable of authentically connecting with you. He will lie to you every day, and he will find ways to keep using behind your back. He is in full-blown active addiction. So yes. You should separate.

"Sober" does not happen with a few months' of clean time (and with addicts, one never knows if those months are really clean). "Sober" takes years. One year is the general time frame to achieve some semblance of mental and emotional stability. But the second year is tough, too. The first two years are very tough, there is tremendous stress for the addict and he needs daily support, multiple weekly meetings, and often ongoing medical treatment, especially if depression, or any other mental illnesses are a complicating factor.

What he does not need is a girlfriend who wants connection, intimacy, and mutual give-and-take, during the first very hard year of his recovery. He will be distracted, moody, probably depressed, anxious, insecure. He will be self-absorbed and often self-pitying and very self-centered. She will hurt with loneliness and with confusion. He will resent her needing what he cannot yet give. Both will suffer and will blame the other.

You do not have to break up with him today. But you need to make a plan to live separately while he takes full responsibility for his drug use and potential recovery.

This is not the time in his life for a mature, committed relationship. He cannot handle it. He will not meet your needs and he will resent you for asking of him anything related to your needs.

The romantic affair was a high you both shared for 5 months. It could not possibly be sustained. He has never been sober.

Now reality--the reality that he is in active addiction which is critical and which leads to a terrible outcome without permanent ongoing abstinence--has stepped forward and there is no escaping this. You must face it head on. It will be impossible to recapture what the first five months of romance were like. Things now are hard and serious and will remain so for a long time. Addiction is a deadly disease. It destroys the individual physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It destroys his relationships and his goals. Eventually it takes him completely. So whether or not you get to be his girlfriend.....it just can't be important today.

You can separate while he does what he has to do. You can stay in touch if you want to, but with no expectations and no demands. Then let time show you what happens next.
EnglishGarden is offline