Oh my!!!!!! Your post opened up the flood gates of memories for me!!!!! I had totally forgotten!!! You see - I was that "cool" wife too! As a matter of fact, AH used to tell all his friends how I was just like one of the guys! And you know what - his friends did like me! In hindsite, my gosh! of course they did!!!!!!! There was no reason not too!!! Just as I enabled my AH, heck, I enabled all of his friends too! I hadn't even realized that until this very moment! Wow!
Anyways, I could just go on and on about this subject but I won't.
What I will tell you though is that the more you read, the more knowledge you will gain. And while you may not ever come to a point of fully understanding the alcoholic in your life, you will definately learn things that will help you to make some sense of things. Such as, you will learn that alcoholism is a progressive disease. It's very common for a person to wake up one day and realize that they or a person they love is an alcoholic. They are shock and think, "When did this happen?". Or maybe it was always there and they just didn't realize then the signs that were shining all around them. You will learn about the typical behaviours of an alcoholic, such as the Blame Game and the manipulation (And I think that "You aren't being the cool wife that I married" as manipulation, by the way).
You have truly come to a wonderful place! You are about to enter into a whole new way of life - if you so choose to do so! Read the posts here, the power posts, etc. with an open mind and of acceptance. You will see yourself and your situation in others. You will come to realize that YOU are NOT alone!!!
Obviously, there are problems in your marriage. And it's time for you to face them. And I hope that you will learn much as you surf through this site.
Welcome to SR! I'm sorry your situation brings you here, but know that for your sake, you've come to a very helpful place. And I send you a welcome hug!