Blogs


Notices

Does my husband have a problem or am I just over-reacting?

Old 10-29-2004, 09:57 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: FL
Posts: 4
Angry Does my husband have a problem or am I just over-reacting?

Hi. I'm in search of help and this site looked like a good place to start. I have been married for 9 years, madly in love with my husband for five of those years. My husband learned from his friends that I'm "pretty cool". I allowed my husband to do as he pleased, say as he pleased and he got positive attention from his friends. They said that "[your wife] is the coolest wife there is". That made him feel even better about me, he was in love with me too. But, it also led to him taking his comments too far; taking actions too far. And my pleas for him to stop saying disrespectful things to me turned to him replying, "you're not being the cool wife that I married". So, over three years of this, I finally had had enough and I told him I was no longer happy and that I was going to leave him. He was stunned because in his eyes we were the happiest couple there ever was...of course he was the happiest cuz he was the most "single" married man there was. This hurt cause him to start drinking. Then I traveled a lot for work, went to school and got my MBA, I was gone a lot. Every night that I was gone, he was in a bar. We no longer go out to bars to go dancing...he goes every moment I'm not home and get drunk, jumps on his motorcyle, and drives home. He says that since he doesn't wake up and drink and he holds a good job that he does not have a drinking problem. I don't think he can drink just one or two; he always gets drunk when he drinks; but he does not see it that way at all. I simply went out to Sushi with a girlfriend last night, and he was at a pub, drunk, on his motorcycle. He's become a different person. He says "ohhh, I wan't that drunk". I don't know what to do.
knash is offline  
Old 10-29-2004, 10:06 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Gracey
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Welcome to SR...this is a great place to start....

There is nothing you can do to help him....he has to help himself......there are alot of great people here with alot more experience than me, that will be along shortly...
 
Old 10-29-2004, 10:17 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
cwohio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
knash - welcome - as gracey said - there are many wise folks that post here and will share with you.

there is a phrase i've heard in al-anon - if it bothers you, then it's a problem. read all the posts and other info on this site.

cwohio
cwohio is offline  
Old 10-29-2004, 10:27 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: FL
Posts: 4
Thank you to cwohio and Gracey. I'm glad I started here. Getting him to recognize that he needs to make a change will be the hardest part. One of the members wrote that he no longer has a good time doing anything but drinking. And that's how my husband is now. He's always bored and just goes to the bar by himself. He'd rather be there then home doing nothing. Wish us the best!
knash is offline  
Old 10-29-2004, 10:33 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
cwohio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
knash - getting him to recognize - he will have to figure that out himself. all you can do is let him know it bothers you and set some boundaries.

good luck and hugs
cwohio is offline  
Old 10-29-2004, 10:37 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
duckman13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: lake elsinore,ca
Posts: 13
Hi knash!!! He is feeling depression from losing you. I go through it everyday. I moved to Ca. in June and left my girlfriend of 7 years. I was drunk all the time since I got out here. I miss her so much. however I have been sober for five days. I think your husband does have a problem. he's turned to alchohol to try to ease pain, but all it does is mask it. The pain will get worse as his body will be alienated with guilt associated by his drinking. I am an advid motorcycle racer. and I have raced through canyons at over a hundred miles an hour just because I lost my persona and didn't care what would happen to me . That's just one of the demons that alchohol concurs. I hope this helps you understand. He's feeling hurt and suppressing it with the sauce. Just like I WAS!!!!!!!!!!
duckman13 is offline  
Old 10-29-2004, 11:04 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: FL
Posts: 4
Duckman13, thank you!!! Since you have been there, (and I'm happy for you that you have now been sober for 5 days!!!! That is AWESOME!!) I don't know the best way to move forward. Do I use tough love? Or will that just make it worse? How do I best help him see that the alcohol is a problem? His behavior has become so unbecoming and he used to be such a nice man. Now, if he's gotta pee, he just does, and he gets mad at me for saying that's not appropriate. I've really lost my nice husband. Do I get help from his parents? That would make him soooo angry, but I don't think I can help him alone. I think I need help from his family to get him to 'wake up'.
Thanks...
me
knash is offline  
Old 10-29-2004, 11:23 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
sweeks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 184
Hey knash what I think you need to do is get the book "Codependent No More" I am near the end of it right now and as cliche as it sounds it has changed my life (and my relationship with my husband).
sweeks is offline  
Old 10-29-2004, 11:26 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Greenfield, MA
Posts: 62
Nothing you can do -Go To Alanon

Please look up Alanon in your area and go to a meeting

Love and service

Morgan
KEEGANSDAD is offline  
Old 10-29-2004, 11:37 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Colorado
Posts: 2
Knash,
I can totally relate to your story. I too was the "coolest" wife. It made me feel so good that he and all his (loser) friends thought I was so great. But now I am realizing that one of the problems was that I was so reliant on other peoples approval of me.
As mentioned above, I also recommend the book "Co-dependent No More" I just started reading it and I am already getting so much from it!
I also read a book called "A ghost in the Closet" by Dale Mitchel. He is a recovering alcoholic. The book really helped me to understand what it must be like to be an alcoholic. No excuses but insight.
I am learning slowly that my AH has to want to change and only he can make those changes. You are not responsible for him, only for you.
Sending lots of positive energy your way!
Living In Truth Now.
LivingInTruth is offline  
Old 10-30-2004, 08:01 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Alberta
Posts: 38
Knash: I, too, was the "greatest girl" around and my A/BF bragged about me to whomever would listen to him. We were together for almost three years and then the alcohol really reared its ugly head. He left in June saying that he just wanted to do his own thing, whenever and wherever he pleased without having to "answer to anyone". He is also addicted to his motorcycle and I'm thankful that there is snow on the ground and his bike is parked - now we have to worry about him drinking and driving his truck!

This site helped me so much in realizing that this was not about me at all and that until he admits to himself that he has a problem, I am completely powerless. He chose his addiction over having a life with me. That hurt a lot but I know that I, personally, cannot live a life where I'm constantly worrying about when he is going to be home, how drunk he will be and counting how many times I hear the beer cans open in this house.

Read everything you can get your hands on and try to get to an Al Anon meeting. Good luck to you!
Green Eyes is offline  
Old 10-30-2004, 09:08 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
StandingStrong's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Oh my!!!!!! Your post opened up the flood gates of memories for me!!!!! I had totally forgotten!!! You see - I was that "cool" wife too! As a matter of fact, AH used to tell all his friends how I was just like one of the guys! And you know what - his friends did like me! In hindsite, my gosh! of course they did!!!!!!! There was no reason not too!!! Just as I enabled my AH, heck, I enabled all of his friends too! I hadn't even realized that until this very moment! Wow!
Anyways, I could just go on and on about this subject but I won't.
What I will tell you though is that the more you read, the more knowledge you will gain. And while you may not ever come to a point of fully understanding the alcoholic in your life, you will definately learn things that will help you to make some sense of things. Such as, you will learn that alcoholism is a progressive disease. It's very common for a person to wake up one day and realize that they or a person they love is an alcoholic. They are shock and think, "When did this happen?". Or maybe it was always there and they just didn't realize then the signs that were shining all around them. You will learn about the typical behaviours of an alcoholic, such as the Blame Game and the manipulation (And I think that "You aren't being the cool wife that I married" as manipulation, by the way).

You have truly come to a wonderful place! You are about to enter into a whole new way of life - if you so choose to do so! Read the posts here, the power posts, etc. with an open mind and of acceptance. You will see yourself and your situation in others. You will come to realize that YOU are NOT alone!!!
Obviously, there are problems in your marriage. And it's time for you to face them. And I hope that you will learn much as you surf through this site.

Welcome to SR! I'm sorry your situation brings you here, but know that for your sake, you've come to a very helpful place. And I send you a welcome hug!
StandingStrong is offline  
Old 10-30-2004, 11:04 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
 
osier59's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
ah, I wasnt the cool wife, but I had a brief stint as "the cool mom". At one time in my life I gave my son a key to my apartment so he could come over and feed my cats when I was traveling for business. I stocked the refrigerator with soda pop and had chips there.... thinking he and a friend would come over, maybe watch some TV etc.
WELLLL (DUH) they had gigantic parties with booze, girls, drugs....everything

Al anon, Nar Anon, reading the postings here, reading everything you can on co -dependency really will make a difference in your life and your way of handling things.

Lots of hugs and love. You've come to a good place.
Barb
osier59 is offline  
Old 10-31-2004, 05:02 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1
I am ALSO that 'Cool Wife'. I always said I didn't mind him going out with the guys as long as he was safe about it (no driving). I was lucky though....my hubby is the 'drinker' in the group, the other guys know when to quit and go home. There was always someone who could drive him home. It was like, by getting a ride, he had free reign to drink as much as he wanted. He didn't even go out that much really - he was more going up to the corner bar late on a weekend night, when everyone else was in for the night and he needed to keep drinking.

When my hubby 'snapped' a weekend ago ~ he asked me "why did you let me get away with this?" I didn't know what to say other than that I gave up trying years ago when I realized this was something up to him to do. All I could do is make sure he was 'safe' ~ so he did most of his drinking at home. Should I have put my foot down and issue ultimatums? I don't know... his problem is so 'hidden' in that, he's not a violent, angry, depressed drunk. Had he been abusing me, or harming our kids, or losing jobs....I would have been more pro-active I guess. The nature of his alchoholism is so 'quiet and pervasive', I think it just kind of snuck into our lives and hid quietly in the background, waiting for us to notice it. My best friend even told me "he's not an alchoholic, he just likes beer!'

Hang in there,
LouWho
LouWho is offline  
Old 10-31-2004, 10:00 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Silver Member
 
Firefighter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Colorado
Posts: 28
Knash,

I've turned almost all of my aw's problems back over to her. It's taken me years to learn that there is nothing I can do except take care of myself. My advice is don't let it take years to learn to take care of yourself.

Be safe,
FF
Firefighter is offline  
Old 10-31-2004, 10:05 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
 
osier59's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Hi FF.

I'm not sure what part of Texas you're in, but you might want to check out www.dallasal-anon.org if you're in the Dallas Ft Worth area. There are some terrific meetings there.

Hugs
Barb
osier59 is offline  
Old 11-01-2004, 09:10 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: FL
Posts: 4
Well, I decided to talk to my husband after reading all of your advice. It's not the first time I talked to him about my fears of what's developing, but it is the first time that I said that I'm "this close" to talking with his parents about this to try to get more help for him. Of course that made him extremely angry, but it also made him think about what it is I would say to his parents. If there was no concern about what he's been doing, then he wouldn't have cared about my asking his parents for help. At first he said he's not an alcoholic. He doesn't wake up, grab a drink, miss work, etc. But then I kept asking him questions..."do you think an alcoholic wakes up one day and IS an alcoholic? Or do you think it happens over time?" Of course, it happens over time. OK, then "describe the steps you think someone goes through as they are becoming an alcoholic". With every answer, I simply asked him more questions to define, define, define. In the end, he never said, "You know honey, I think I might be developing a problem", BUT he started doing Yoga, and is searching for a career change!! (he is miserable doing what he's doing and is underutilized professionally and socially) I don't think that alcohol is THE problem--yet! I think it's what he turns to for peace when he feels lost. I think my conversation with him woke him up even if he wouldn't admit to me that he is headed down a scarey path. So, all of your help let me see that YES this is a problem, and it's up to him! If I gave him ultimatums, he would have revolted. thanks for the huggs and help. Let's hope for the best now!

knash is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:34 PM.