I've been thinking about it. And you're right, GardenMama (and cangel2), I just need to tell him that I don't love him. He is attacking every aspect of me that I think of as good- that I'm faithful and loving, generous and forgiving. It's almost as if I tell him that I don't love him then I'm not faithful, loving, generous, or forgiving. But that's just not true! I just need to solidify that in my head.
If I have to make the trade and end up feeling like I am unloving, unfaithful, stingy, and unforgiving in order for my kids to not live with an addict, then that's fine. My logical self is telling me it's ok not to love my AH. If I were healthy, I would have left him in the dust long ago. So my stupid "heart" just needs to shut up. I need to have a heart for my children and myself, not this adult that I'm married to.
Children's angels see the face of God everyday. I love my sons more than I'll ever love him or anyone else. They are dependent on me; he isn't. God trusted me with these precious beings and I'm bent on giving them the best life I can give them! Living with a drug addict does not fit into that picture.
I guess I just don't want to lie to him because I hate to lie. But, there are different levels of love. I love him because he is a human. I don't like him because of all the terrible things he's done to me and our marriage. I truly don't love him the way a wife should love her husband. I also don't love him the way a friend loves a friend. There's an ocean of space between not wishing someone was dead and loving them as a spouse. I don't want him to die and I do want him to recover, but that's my extent of the love I now have for him.