Exasperating day......all before noon!

Old 10-01-2012, 12:09 PM
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Exasperating day......all before noon!

I found out in the middle of the night that one of my paternal aunts passed away last week. She lives in another state and we haven't talked in years. She did call me to congratulate me for passing the bar. That was probably the last time I talked to her. I'll always remember how funny and outgoing she was.

She died from liver complications/failure. She was an addict/alcoholic. She has three beautiful adult daughters and grandchildren. She and her husband divorced when I was young and he got custody of the girls. I remember thinking how strange that was....that the dad would get custody (I was in grade school). Of course, I had no idea then what kind of life she was involved in. Her sister is also an alcoholic. I'm just waiting for her to die. Please keep my aunt, her daughters, and our family in your prayers (and my mom because they were close when they were younger).

I went to see my therapist today. She's great! I just love her. She is so patient with me and I never feel like she's judging me for making stupid mistakes. I told her about you all and how helpful you've been with teaching me about setting boundaries and relying on my own feelings. She said she thinks you all are helping a lot and she can see a change in me.

I decided to cave to my own nagging and check up on AH and his drug screens. I was going to do this last week but he hadn't added me as an authorized person yet. So, today I found out that he tested positive for oxy just last week!!!!!!

I sat out in the parking lot of the clinic and sent him, his family, and the professor/friend a group text. I told them that I love them all but that I will not, nor will I allow my children to live with an active addict and he needs to be out of the house today. I of course also told them that I got his drug screen results and I know he tested positive last week.

In the past, I would have talked to him (yelled at him) first. Or, I would have gotten some of his family members on my side by tattling on him, then we would have confronted him. It would have been hard for me to pick which one because his parents are on vacation and I'd feel guilty about ruining it for them. So I'd go to one of his sisters. I wouldn't tell both of them, because why ruin two days? BUT, today, I sent it to all of them. They should all know the truth. I guess it's like I'm giving him back to them.

So, none of his family members have contacted me back but that's ok. He's contacted me via text with anger and suprise and suicide threats. He said it was just one percocet (that he did not have a prescription for). First of all, I doubt it was a percocet and not an oxy, but it doesn't matter; he shouldn't have taken something he wasn't prescribed. He said I'm just looking for excuses to leave him. I told him I could just leave him; I don't have to have an excuse.

I then went to work and asked a long time friend/co-worker to please keep me accountable and when I have days when I'm wishy-washy and "forget" all the horrible things my children and I have been through because of him, to please remind me. She said she'd do this daily.

I feel like a burden has been lifted. I knew something was not right with him. I just wasn't to the point yet with myself where I was able to tell him to simply leave because I wasn't happy. I still needed proof. Hopefully, he'll be out of the house when I get home.
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Old 10-01-2012, 12:18 PM
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It is a wise move you are making to protect yourself and your children from his addiction.

His denial is just another sign that he isn't even close to being ready to take responsibility for his addiction.

It is no longer all about him, actually it is no longer about him at all...from now on, it's about you and your children.

You will have good days and bad, emotional and sad too sometimes, but there will be wonderful new beginnings out there for you, once you put closure on your past.

Keeping you and your children in my prayers.

Hugs
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Old 10-01-2012, 12:40 PM
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I will be praying for your family and those who loved your aunt.
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Old 10-01-2012, 12:47 PM
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Sorry about your aunt's passing. ((hugs))

Second, percocet is oxycodone and acetaminophen (tylenol). So badically it is oxy, so he is splitting hairs with that distinction.

Third, good for you, give him back to his family. Block his texts if you can. My stress was so relieved when i didnt have his texts interrupting my day with whatever came along with that. Be strong FL and keep stepping forward for you and your kids. You are fortunate in one respect because you understand the law, an area that frustrates me as i feel i am constantly semi in the dark about what my rights are and what will happen. You are a good mom and a caring person. You did all you could to keep your family together, you tried very hard and gave many chances. Let that truth give you peace when the doubts come creeping back.
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Old 10-01-2012, 01:12 PM
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Your "gut" knew the truth and now your "gut" knows what needs to be done. Just remember, It's none of your business what others think about you. Their opinions do not matter. You are smart and kind, know who you are and what you and the kids need. He is just not it.
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Old 10-01-2012, 01:17 PM
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Ugg..... I just went home so my son could get his soccer stuff for his game today and AH is still there. I refuse to throw a fit. If he refuses to leave, I'll just file for divorce and get temporary orders in place. There's nothing else I can do. I guess I could take the kids and stay somewhere else. I don't know.....

Thank you all for your support! I know I would still be in complete confusion and depression with no hope without your wise and (usually) kind words.
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Old 10-01-2012, 01:21 PM
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Originally Posted by FindingErica View Post
Sorry about your aunt's passing. ((hugs))

Second, percocet is oxycodone and acetaminophen (tylenol). So badically it is oxy, so he is splitting hairs with that distinction.

Thank you for this info! I didn't know that.

Third, good for you, give him back to his family. Block his texts if you can. My stress was so relieved when i didnt have his texts interrupting my day with whatever came along with that. Be strong FL and keep stepping forward for you and your kids. You are fortunate in one respect because you understand the law, an area that frustrates me as i feel i am constantly semi in the dark about what my rights are and what will happen.

I'm happy to give you general advice whenever you need it. It wouldn't be state specific though. Family law is usually just common sense. I could show you how to do your own legal research if you want, though.

You are a good mom and a caring person. You did all you could to keep your family together, you tried very hard and gave many chances. Let that truth give you peace when the doubts come creeping back.
Thank you, FErica!!
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Old 10-01-2012, 01:35 PM
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You are SO strong! Good for you!! Sorry he was still there. Was he packing his sh*t up at least?
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Old 10-01-2012, 01:49 PM
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Good for you. I know the "deciding who to tell" crap so well - and let me tell you, you handled that issue with the best solution. It isn't your job to read everyone!
Very inspiring!
Thanks for sharing.
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Old 10-01-2012, 08:56 PM
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He's still here!!!!

We had a "discussion" and he's adament that he's not in active addiction. I forgot to post that he continues to test positive for THC and his levels went down at first, then rose, and are now holding steady. :/

He says he'll leave when I tell him that I don't love him. He's trying to manipulate me and its making me mad.

I do believe he is in active addiction. I won't live with an active addict. I don't have to tell him anything. I guess I'll wait until I get paid and then file for divorce. Maybe this is all working out for the best anyway.
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Old 10-01-2012, 09:05 PM
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Well he is not in active recovery either. Methadone is one difficult drug to get off, does he have plans of stopping it soon, going to meetings or a therapist?? Or is like my AH - with suboxone in the beginning....just getting it it to appease me so he can really protect his addiction?
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Old 10-01-2012, 09:10 PM
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He's not in active recovery because he's still smoking pot and taking pills that weren't prescribed to him. I don't know about the methadone yet and if it's helping with his recovery. I can't say I believe everything will be sunshine and rainbows if/when he comes off it.
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Old 10-01-2012, 09:46 PM
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I have seen a few people coming off methadone at NA meetings. It was very sad to see. It's a hard drug to come off. My husband took suboxone, tapered too fast, and was soooo sick! He relapsed shortly after all while still attending meetings.

I know he was clean for a while again...because he voluntarily took a drug test so he could "build my trust." I didn't even want him too, I didn't care anymore!! The whole time I was thinking - how sick is this? ughhhhh!! What used to be my "normal" - now just disgusts me!

Seriously, I was as sick as him!!
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Old 10-01-2012, 11:05 PM
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Sorry to be short and to the point here but he gave you the answer.

Tell him you don't love him...then he will leave and you can mop up the mess!

I know this is very very difficult but at the end of the day you need to decide what is best for you and your kids.....then act. You can't wait for him to go along willingly and happily....just won't happen.
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Old 10-02-2012, 06:15 AM
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At this moment, he is testing every facet of who he knows you to be--faithful and loving? Generous & forgiving? Each one will get its day to be attacked because he is going to do anything to keep you where you are. I was treated the same way, and when I finally had the courage to answer no to that question of "just tell me you don't love me anymore," I finally said, I don't. Then he said that we had "unconditional love"....No, that is the love a healthy parent can have for a child. I, for one, never understood that as part of marital love. If I did, I'd keep subjecting myself to bad behavior forever!! I had to make that distinction in my own heart, and it really strengthened my resolve to end a toxic relationship and do everything I needed to do to care for our daughters. It was the moment that I actually started saving myself and it was one of the healthiest things I ever did. Today I consider it the first part of my recovery journey. Things will get bad, but if you remember to love yourself and coach yourself into a happier future, you will get through it, Faithlove. We are here. Be true and strong and safe.
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Old 10-02-2012, 07:39 AM
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I've been thinking about it. And you're right, GardenMama (and cangel2), I just need to tell him that I don't love him. He is attacking every aspect of me that I think of as good- that I'm faithful and loving, generous and forgiving. It's almost as if I tell him that I don't love him then I'm not faithful, loving, generous, or forgiving. But that's just not true! I just need to solidify that in my head.

If I have to make the trade and end up feeling like I am unloving, unfaithful, stingy, and unforgiving in order for my kids to not live with an addict, then that's fine. My logical self is telling me it's ok not to love my AH. If I were healthy, I would have left him in the dust long ago. So my stupid "heart" just needs to shut up. I need to have a heart for my children and myself, not this adult that I'm married to.

Children's angels see the face of God everyday. I love my sons more than I'll ever love him or anyone else. They are dependent on me; he isn't. God trusted me with these precious beings and I'm bent on giving them the best life I can give them! Living with a drug addict does not fit into that picture.

I guess I just don't want to lie to him because I hate to lie. But, there are different levels of love. I love him because he is a human. I don't like him because of all the terrible things he's done to me and our marriage. I truly don't love him the way a wife should love her husband. I also don't love him the way a friend loves a friend. There's an ocean of space between not wishing someone was dead and loving them as a spouse. I don't want him to die and I do want him to recover, but that's my extent of the love I now have for him.
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