Thanks Tip and everyone else! I feel like my angst and insecurities are oozing out of my pores. I feel abandoned, rejected, ganged up on. Im trying to be involved, and today the kids and i participated in a community outreach thing, and i had requested that the kids and i not be sent off alone as a solo team. And they sent us off on our own as a solo team. So i felt rejected, like some weird single mom nobody wanted to be stuck with and ended up sobbing half hour in and making the program coordinator come finish our job. Then i decided that all these efforts to be part of a church were pointless and that my life now was worthless, and i sobbed like a baby. Then i thought i was too emotonally labile and that i was defective. Im trying so hard to be normal right now, to carry the entire household, to fill in as mom and dad too, to handle all the finances, the lawyers, the two looming cases, to work full time but still keep up on all the house work, and i berate myself because of the disorgsnization of boxes still unpacked and years of papers unfiled. The chaos has followed me in cubes of cardboard, which makes me sob in frustration whenever i have to deal with it. Im afraid for the future, i have nobody to rely on but me and God but relying on God has become foreign to me over the years, so that has become another thing i have to work to rebuild. I go to Al Anon meetings and stare helplessly at the steps which look like yet another obligation, and the members seem like fine messes, people who have come to some healthy thought processes, so at times i fear speaking because they will know what a pampered toddler i am in all this, that i still want to cry, blame and wallow in self pity, that i am sadly aware of my unawareness and crudity of thought and speech. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, strangely out of step with humanity, an imposter in living, awkward, a sore thumb. Im nobody's friend and nobody wants to be my friend, im not fit for human consumption.
Ok i got that off my chest... I think i will go fold, wipe, sweep or pick up something. Or maybe i will explore the woods with the kids. And remember that i have hope in all these meetings, and therapy sessions, and hopeful starts at church... That i can piece my soul back together, settle into my skin, feel confident in my sense of self, live fully present in my adult, become a sought out friend and a member in a community.