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Talk Me Down

Old 09-28-2012, 04:09 PM
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Talk Me Down

AH came to see the kids last weekend. Took them overnight to his parents house. I stuck to my boundaries, i did not initiate any contact. He picked the kids p and dropped them off. I did not see him at all.

So why has this made me feel uncomfortable. I keep having this urge to email him, which i know will start us bickering. I keep checking my email to see if he has written, then being glad he hasnt but oddly annoyed. He hasnt called the kids once this week. After he dropped them off, he didnt even see them to the door. Just pulled away and youngest daughter was yelling for him to wait as she left something in the car. His mother of course has texted and called ince then o tell me how glad the kids were to be ith their dad, and that he seems hurt and confused by why things are going this way. I told her he knows why the marriage is where it is at. Ugh!

Anyway, i keep wanting to break the silence by emailing him, even something small like when is he coming to see the kids again. Why cant i sit with the silence, since my biggest wish is to not be with him.
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Old 09-28-2012, 04:16 PM
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If you and he need to communicate about the children, then you will probably have to speak to him at some point. Just set your boundaries and cut off any conversation that gets disrespectful.

If you can't do that, then perhaps going through a third party might be better.

Only you can decide what your motives are, what is right for you and your children.

Hugs
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Old 09-28-2012, 04:18 PM
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No one ever said doing the right thing would "feel" right. The important thing is you held your boundaries. Give yourself credit for that, and then just ride out the conflicting emotions as they come.

Is it uncomfortable? Yup. Will it kill ya? Nope...
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Old 09-28-2012, 04:19 PM
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Sit with the discomfort! You're one of the pillars of strength on this board for me, sit like it's your job!

All kidding aside, it makes sense that his nearness, however brief, would dredge up old responses. Like muscle memory. It will probably take a lot of times fighting that initial auto-response, but it will get easier with time. You got this.

Also, just like his calls, you don't have to answer his mother's either. Especially when you're feeling especially vulnerable. Lord knows they'll all be around tomorrow or next week should you suddenly decide you need your feelings to be completely disregarded.
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Old 09-28-2012, 04:26 PM
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Speaking for myself, it was all about the drama. I embraced it, then I hated it, then I needed it...for some sick twisted reason...Now, if I want drama, I watch a realty show...then I shake my head and thank the HP for guiding me out of the mindset I was in.

You have come so far, keep your resolve. Watch a soap opera or the Kardashians, believe me the urge will pass, just sit tight!
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Old 09-28-2012, 05:07 PM
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It's hard, but you can do this. My birthday was yesterday , and I kept checking my email seeing if my x said happy birthday. Lol! I knew it was crazy. I ultimately didn't care, but I checked. These people have been a part of our lives for a long time. Its hard to let go no matter what a creep they have been. Hang in there and it will happen. You will let him go.
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Old 09-28-2012, 05:16 PM
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this process sucks so much. sorry if my language is foul, but it does. it plain sucks. i am not doing well with no contact and i engage with him when he starts things and we bicker and i wonder what i thought i was going to accomplish THIS time. i also feel like dollydo a lot of the time. i think it's sick that i continue to participate in the drama yet i can't seem to stop it completely. even when what i'm saying is calm and reasonable and it doesn't become an argument, it's frustrating. and i also feel relieved but annoyed when i don't hear anything... sometimes i think i understand myself less than i understand him.
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Old 09-28-2012, 05:17 PM
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I think when you don't see someone for a long time NC is easier. You can almost pretend they don't exist...I don't really know how to explain what I mean. But I thinking seeing someone, knowing he's with your kids... it makes it harder to "forget" about him or keep your mind off of him. So it makes sense that it would bring up the urge to talk to him or break the silence.
I don't think you're in a place yet whee you're ready to do that. And I certainly don't think he's in a place where he can have an honest or mature conversation. I think it's best to keep things light and courgel (No clue how to spell this word) for now, once you do speak.
Sounds like you're doing a better job with this then you think, stay strong, if you don't feel comfortable seeing him perhaps his Mom can pick up the kids?
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Old 09-28-2012, 05:53 PM
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Think of how far you've come! It is hard but trust me, don't contact him. I'm so glad you came to SR instead of initiating contact with him! Give yourself time. You've got this!
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Old 09-28-2012, 07:38 PM
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Getting off the roller coaster is hard...even after it has made us so sick.

He knows you all to well, he is probably waitng for you to call him. Be vulnerable where you are safe; family, friends and here....not on the phone with him!!
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Old 09-28-2012, 09:23 PM
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Thank you everyone.

After 18 years I'm used to him helping me solve problems, and I've been dealing with big decisions this week- switching divorce attorneys, filing bankruptcy. But he isn't the person to talk to, we are at odds. I have to make my own decisions and trust them, I have a hard time with that, I have spent 18 years with a blame shifter.

I'm feeling like there is something wrong with me. The person I built a life with is now my adversary.

Also, I think I like drama. Its not healthy and I need to be healthy. I know that I need to sit with the discomfort because change is hard.

Lastly, I've been conditioned to react out of guilt to silent treatment manipulation. After his first visit he kept thanking me for the visit and letting him see the kids. This time nothing, he's silent means he's angry. The only thing is, why should his anger be my problem?
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Old 09-28-2012, 09:45 PM
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Finding Erica,

I can really relate to all that you are saying....the knowing that you want to be away but then these odd feelings of missing contact on some level.

I left my husband 18 months ago and I still feel that pull periodically. I agree with the statement "sit with the discomfort". I realize that the pull is a combination of things - past history, drama seeking, loneliness, still hanging on to some crazy hope that things could maybe be better.....

It really helps to have somewhere to come and speak our truth - and know that we aren't alone. This is tough stuff that you are dealing with....you're doing great though. Sending you warm thoughts.
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Old 09-29-2012, 07:37 AM
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Originally Posted by FindingErica View Post
Thank you everyone.

After 18 years I'm used to him helping me solve problems, and I've been dealing with big decisions this week- switching divorce attorneys, filing bankruptcy. But he isn't the person to talk to, we are at odds. I have to make my own decisions and trust them, I have a hard time with that, I have spent 18 years with a blame shifter.

I know that when I've been in this situation, there was a part of me that wanted him to come swooping in, all healthy and shiny and new, riding on a white horse, with a magic wand in his hand, and make everything ALL better!! The pain and stress gets to be too much and I wanted someone to come FIX IT, dammit!! So.....I'd keep checking the window to see if he was coming....10x a day, then 5x a day, then once a week....finally realizing that the rescuer I was looking for (whose name was Acceptance) was inside of ME the whole time.

I'm feeling like there is something wrong with me. The person I built a life with is now my adversary.
It feels awkward to lift the veil of denial and toss it aside. It takes time to forgive them and to forgive ourselves. It's an entirely new dynamic and after 18 years it's not going to be done overnight. "They" say it takes two years for the dust to settle in a separation/divorce and in my experience that's about right. Two years before there is a somewhat tolerable equilibrium... be patient. It will get better.

Also, I think I like drama. Its not healthy and I need to be healthy. I know that I need to sit with the discomfort because change is hard.

Lastly, I've been conditioned to react out of guilt to silent treatment manipulation. After his first visit he kept thanking me for the visit and letting him see the kids. This time nothing, he's silent means he's angry. The only thing is, why should his anger be my problem?

It's not your problem, but as you said you are conditioned to respond to it. He's just cycling through his tried-and-true tactics that have worked for him in the past...only they're not working anymore. Yeah, you bet he's angry and frustrated!! Even got his mommy all riled up enough to get involved. Sheesh.
You're doing great, Erica....much better than I did in those circumstances.
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Old 09-29-2012, 02:09 PM
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Thanks Tip and everyone else! I feel like my angst and insecurities are oozing out of my pores. I feel abandoned, rejected, ganged up on. Im trying to be involved, and today the kids and i participated in a community outreach thing, and i had requested that the kids and i not be sent off alone as a solo team. And they sent us off on our own as a solo team. So i felt rejected, like some weird single mom nobody wanted to be stuck with and ended up sobbing half hour in and making the program coordinator come finish our job. Then i decided that all these efforts to be part of a church were pointless and that my life now was worthless, and i sobbed like a baby. Then i thought i was too emotonally labile and that i was defective. Im trying so hard to be normal right now, to carry the entire household, to fill in as mom and dad too, to handle all the finances, the lawyers, the two looming cases, to work full time but still keep up on all the house work, and i berate myself because of the disorgsnization of boxes still unpacked and years of papers unfiled. The chaos has followed me in cubes of cardboard, which makes me sob in frustration whenever i have to deal with it. Im afraid for the future, i have nobody to rely on but me and God but relying on God has become foreign to me over the years, so that has become another thing i have to work to rebuild. I go to Al Anon meetings and stare helplessly at the steps which look like yet another obligation, and the members seem like fine messes, people who have come to some healthy thought processes, so at times i fear speaking because they will know what a pampered toddler i am in all this, that i still want to cry, blame and wallow in self pity, that i am sadly aware of my unawareness and crudity of thought and speech. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, strangely out of step with humanity, an imposter in living, awkward, a sore thumb. Im nobody's friend and nobody wants to be my friend, im not fit for human consumption.

Ok i got that off my chest... I think i will go fold, wipe, sweep or pick up something. Or maybe i will explore the woods with the kids. And remember that i have hope in all these meetings, and therapy sessions, and hopeful starts at church... That i can piece my soul back together, settle into my skin, feel confident in my sense of self, live fully present in my adult, become a sought out friend and a member in a community.
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Old 09-29-2012, 05:20 PM
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(((Erica))) you are my friend but more importantly you are a friend of God! You sound like you are processing a lot. I think we have to go through the stages of grief many times.

You have gone though a lot in a short time and I am sure you are exhausted - emotionally and physically. Working, working extra hours, 3 kids, new home, lawyers, stress with him, self doubt, therapy, making a new life. WOW!! You underestimate your accomplishments. I would have been ready for the funny farm and for a long stay.

Keep leaning on God, he will hold your hand through this. He will be the best husband you could ever ask for. Tictoc didn't deserve you - it is his loss and someday - somebody's gain....when you are healthy and ready!!

xox
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Old 09-29-2012, 05:32 PM
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Can we go to the funny farm together LMN, it sounds delightful right now.
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Old 09-29-2012, 05:42 PM
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Originally Posted by FindingErica View Post
Can we go to the funny farm together LMN, it sounds delightful right now.
lol, sure - don't bring any clothes with strings though!

It took a lot of work to become this crazy, not many get here! What a sense of accomplishment! :rotfxko

(seriously though - I think I am going to take a class on grief at a nearby hospital. I just hope they don't admit me to psych unit after, lol).
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Old 09-29-2012, 06:18 PM
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His anger isn't your problem anymore, but it'll take time. I know there were nights where I had to watch dippy old movies or get a book off amazon...basically anything to distract me so I wouldn't contact XAH. It does slowly get easier and now I don't wonder what he's doing and if he comes to see the kids and he's in a bad mood I'm finally starting to not care. Anyway...it sounds like you are going through a really rough patch and it's OK. I wonder what people think of me, no husband, two small children, I'm sure they wonder...but that's their problem not yours. You just need to find places that are a good fit for you and the kids. If you can focus on what you have done, what you have accomplished, what you are proud of. I promise it gets better...it's just slow going sometimes. It's been a year for me and I've found that making decisions and sticking with them really is easier without my XAH around and I've slowly gained more and more confidence with each decision. You'll get there, just give yourself time and give yourself a break about somethings, like it's ok if all the boxes aren't unpacked.
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Old 09-29-2012, 06:56 PM
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Erica
Hang in there..I understand. You're only human and you're doing the best you can. The emotions are so powerful and you feel so overwhelmed that it takes your breath away. I was doing the same thing, and I realized that his silence and staying away from the kids was just another form of manipulation. I used to get myself so worked up with anger, disappointment and anxiety, which was not healthy for me or the kids. I needed to find peace with the fact that I should have absolutely no expectations of him because he is just not capable of meeting them. I've come to terms with the fact that he makes his own decisions and I can't let it hurt me. There are times when I want to just cry in bed all day and other times where everything that could possibly go wrong does and it's overwhelming when you realize it's just you. The other night after work, homework, basketball & baseball practice, my dishwasher started over flowing with water and suds all over my kitchen floor, I just sat down and couldn't stop laughing. I'm sure my kids thought I was nuts. After about 5 minutes, I got up and cleaned the floor. I accepted the situation and decided to laugh instead of crying. I can't do that all the time but it helped me that day. I know it's alot but thank God you and your children have YOU.
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Old 09-30-2012, 04:56 AM
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Wow, think we might be living the same life sometimes, I haven't any words of wisdom, I seem to just keep messing up. Just want to let you know that I can relate -totally, with all of it. My therapist keeps asking me to focus on what it is that I'm afraid of, lots of the reactions come from a place of fear.
Wishing you peace, Sarah
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