Hi luv, I've read your past posts. I send you prayers and hugs. You certainly have had your share of anguish and torment.
I am much like you that I want to make sense of things, want an answer or understanding where there may be none.
Have you considered that there just may not be an answer to the question you are asking? There is no logic or rational understanding to be realized. I hate this saying but it seems apt- "it is what it is". Maybe it is everything you suggest, not an either /or, or maybe it is nothing.
I'm sorry. I hate that you are so tormented and it's not fair. But I also hate to see someone continuing to seek enlightenment in a place where it may not be found. Its not a logical disease.