Originally Posted by
dandylion 
Dear LIZ, from where I sit, I see so many people on this board who are so faithful in sharing their experience and accumulated wisdom with you. We so identify with the pain and desire to reach out to a fellow who suffers.
I particullarly noted what sesh said in her post about accepting the reality of your husband---the alcoholism and the narcissism---the abusive behaviors that have eroded into your self-esteem.
Sesh hit on the fact that if you actually accept that he is who he is---you would have to change---you would have to face your own fears (we humans hate that).
She is right, one could spend the rest of their life playing the games---he did this, so I did that. Someone said in a post, recently, that it is not our responsibility to figure out the "puzzle" of our significant other. We can't do it anyway.
Liz, I say keep going to alanon and give it your full attention and commitment. Address your fears with your therapist, also (you shared that you have a personal therapist). Commit to the work of therapy. You have admitted that you know, (intellectually), that this marriage partner is an extension of your abusive childhood.
This might sound like it is a lecture---I guess it IS. I say these things because I care about your pain and these things I believe to be true, because my experience tells me that they are.
dandylion
I couldn't find a huggy smilie for some reason, but wanted to thank you for caring so much. I responded to BothSidesNow thread this AM and I'm sitting here in tears remembering what my dad put me through and how oblivious my mother was to all of it. I swore up and down that my own children(well, I only had 1) wouldn't live in a home where you aren't allowed to express your emotions or where you are objectified sexually by a parent. If I've done anything right with my son, it's that I've always encouraged him to express himself and I have put him in therapy in the past and he's currently seeing a counselor, again. I want him to know that there are people out there who can help, I never even knew what therapy or a counselor was until I was well into my marriage and found out that AH had gone to therapy after his long time girlfriend forced him to go. Guess that should have been a red flag, but I really didn't know what alcoholism, depression, or any of that stuff was because it was never a topic of conversation in our home.
I didn't even know my dad was an alcoholic until my mother told me that she divorced him because he wouldn't put down the vodka. HUH? I had no idea. We just didn't talk about stuff as a family, everyone kind of lived their own separate lives under 1 roof especially when my sister was being treated for leukemia. That was when my dad shut down emotionally and started drinking more(even though I saw this, I didn't know it was a problem until I was an adult). My dad couldn't handle seeing my sister in the hospital, sending me away to live with relatives when I was exposed to the flu or the chicken pox, etc, and he basically shut down. I had nowhere to go, no place to turn to. It was like I was an invisible ghost just passing through the house. I don't resent my sister and her illness. Cancer is a bitch and she was 5 when she was being treated. I loved her and supported her, I raised money at school for leukemia and did my health class report on the disease. Yet, I was shoved aside by the family and didn't realize how hard that hit me until I was well into adulthood and realized that I would take the scraps from the table instead of the whole meal. I was desperate for attention and would do anything to NOT be abandoned.
So, that's what it all comes down to. Fear. I know that, I have to deal with. It's not a fear of being alone because I love being alone and being with my own thoughts. But, I fear abandonment and that 'you're not good enough' sentiment. Thank you again for your support, I have a lot going through my head this AM. Sorry to everyone for my long winded posts!