Hi all. Now that I have been moved out from AH into our own place (myself and son), I have been working on reading and sorting out feelings and starting more constructively down the road of healing. It was really hard to work at it while living with AH because of the "walking on eggshells", looking out for my son til we moved to be sure all was a peaceful as it could be, working etc.
But now that I can actually have time to think, I wanted to share something I discovered about myself and my codependency. I was raised in a very controlling religion (can you say cult?), with my emotionally unavailable parents. At the same time, the religion that was pushed down my throat taught that "Love conquers all". Hmmm....
I do believe that that belief, securely embedded in me, lead me to think that if I just "loved" my husband enough, that we could get through anything. Maybe I like my rose colored glasses, but I still believe that is possible in a healthy relationship--but it does not work with alcoholics--or at least mine.
But that belief, I think, lead me to think that if I just loved him enough, showed him he was lovable enough, that if he saw what love was enough, that somehow he would be healed of all his hurts and stop drinking. But I think that was just another way I tried to control the outcome for someone else, my AH. It just doesn't work. Now, I work at loving him from a distance, and work at loving myself. For now, I choose to believe that if I love MYSELF enough, my love for ME can conquer all!
Thanks to you all...I would not make it through without you all.
