"Love conquers all"? Not with alcoholics...

Old 09-22-2012, 06:31 AM
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"Love conquers all"? Not with alcoholics...

Hi all. Now that I have been moved out from AH into our own place (myself and son), I have been working on reading and sorting out feelings and starting more constructively down the road of healing. It was really hard to work at it while living with AH because of the "walking on eggshells", looking out for my son til we moved to be sure all was a peaceful as it could be, working etc.

But now that I can actually have time to think, I wanted to share something I discovered about myself and my codependency. I was raised in a very controlling religion (can you say cult?), with my emotionally unavailable parents. At the same time, the religion that was pushed down my throat taught that "Love conquers all". Hmmm....

I do believe that that belief, securely embedded in me, lead me to think that if I just "loved" my husband enough, that we could get through anything. Maybe I like my rose colored glasses, but I still believe that is possible in a healthy relationship--but it does not work with alcoholics--or at least mine.

But that belief, I think, lead me to think that if I just loved him enough, showed him he was lovable enough, that if he saw what love was enough, that somehow he would be healed of all his hurts and stop drinking. But I think that was just another way I tried to control the outcome for someone else, my AH. It just doesn't work. Now, I work at loving him from a distance, and work at loving myself. For now, I choose to believe that if I love MYSELF enough, my love for ME can conquer all!

Thanks to you all...I would not make it through without you all.

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Old 09-22-2012, 07:07 AM
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Old 09-22-2012, 07:32 AM
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Originally Posted by keepingmyjoy1 View Post
I do believe that that belief, securely embedded in me, lead me to think that if I just "loved" my husband enough, that we could get through anything. Maybe I like my rose colored glasses, but I still believe that is possible in a healthy relationship--but it does not work with alcoholics--or at least mine.

But that belief, I think, lead me to think that if I just loved him enough, showed him he was lovable enough, that if he saw what love was enough, that somehow he would be healed of all his hurts and stop drinking.
I believed all this at one time in my life too. And I wasn't raised in a religious household. (I say this and I wonder what exactly IS a religious household??)
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Old 09-22-2012, 07:33 AM
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Old 09-22-2012, 08:06 AM
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¨Love conquers all!¨ I used to believe that too before I discovered alanon. Some of my friends and family still believe it. I got so tired of hearing ¨I'm sure he'll get through this with your love and support¨ and similar statements. I gave him every bit of love and support I had for years. Turns out all I was doing was enabling him.
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Old 09-22-2012, 08:48 AM
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I so needed to hear this. We conquered so much together...so I believed it too. But this is something he is not willing to fight for and my love for him wont make him change his mind. Last year I listened to Rascal Flatts "Unstoppable" every morning believing that I could face the challenges of the day if I just kept enough love in my heart for him.
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable


Now I listen to Christina Aguilera's "Fighter"
How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretend not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
YOU-WON'T-STOP-ME!
I am a fighter and I
I ain't gonna stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough.
Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
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Old 09-23-2012, 12:44 PM
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Yes, I hear you keepingmyjoy1! In Al-Anon, there's this papmhlet "A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic" that talks about this subject too:

"Learn that love cannot exist without compassion, discipline, and justice, and to accept love or give it without these qualities is to eventually destroy it."

"Compassion does not mean suffering because of another person's injustice. Yet families of alcoholics suffer injustice repeatedly."

"It is difficult for love to exist in a home where active alcoholism is present. The alcoholic uses alcohol to escape pain by drinking and learns how to use the family to escape the pain of the consequences."

"If the family bears the brunt of the drinking and absorbs its consequences, compassion cannot exist. If the family continues this destructive way of life, love is gradually destroyed and replaced by fear, resentment, and hatred. The only way love can be retained is if family members can learn to face the pain that drinking causes and refuse to undo its consequences. Anything less than this is not compassion and any relationship without justice and compassion is without love."

You ARE doing enough and exactly right!! "Fight" on.
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