Sorry for the delay in response.
I’ve been trying to deal with the stress of everyday occurrences which includes money problems after having to buy a computer and now trying to find a job. And actually trying to give a crap about this essay I have to write when it honestly all feels pointless. I can’t seem to get my new laptop to connect to the internet, probably because it’s a 250 dollar piece of junk so I need to actually go to campus in order to access the internet.
I haven’t yet gone to AA. With my current state of mind what little focus and motivation I am able to muster has to be spent working on this rather important paper I have due Monday. I honestly couldn’t care less about school. I feel like I’m just going through the motions. I tell myself okay today you’re going to write a section of your essay because it’s due Monday and that’s what you have to do. Just going through the motions like some kind of zombie.
At least I’ve been able to control my drinking to an extent because I know I need to get this paper done. I know if I don’t I will just bury myself further into this hole I’ve dug myself in since getting involved with my EXABF and since I started going through an handle of Rubinoff a week.
Anyway, I tried to talk to my Mother but it turned into an argument. She blamed my EXABF, started talking about how she warned me this would happen, brought up the issues I had in 2009 when my first Ex broke my heart and what I put them through then and that they warned me that if I stuck around I would get hurt and ruin my life and how I didn’t listen and now I am paying the consequence and how he’s the scum of the Earth and the reason I don’t have any friends in this town and how I am irresponsible and never make the right choices or do the right thing, and how I can’t be trusted to make the right decision for myself. I can’t really argue with her on any of that, because she’s right. I don’t t think she can be blamed for her frustration or anger.
She said that I just to stop lying around my room and get out of the house and get a job that will allow me to meet good people not just sitting around talking to “God knows who online” and how I need to stop playing the poor me game and suck it up and realize I am paying for the consequences of my mistakes with my EXABF, rise to the challenge and realize how much better of I am without him and how dropping out of graduate school will only make everything worse and how look at all the money we spent on you already, do you know how much money we will lose in rent and tuition and what are you going to do if you take the semester off just sit in your room all day feeling sorry for a criminal? And how it would only make matters worse and I would probably never go back go graduate school and I’d just be happy making 12 dollars an hour living in Dorchester in a rooming house with a drug addict.
She doesn’t seem to understand that taking time off doesn’t about want to have no responsibility; it’s about getting to the point where I can handle the responsibility. Anyway after a 30 minute lecture about what a disappointment I am and guilt trips about how much they’ve given up to support my education after the mere suggestion of taking time off to work things out I didn’t really feel comfortable going into detail about the exact nature of my problems.
She obviously isn’t going to be particularly sympathetic or supportive of me getting help if it means leaving school and them losing money, and I can’t really blame her for that. Anyway the therapist I’m seeing here is only short term, my school doesn’t offer anything beyond this and she agrees and insists I need a referral to someone who can provide me with more long term services, but I honestly can’t afford that as it wouldn’t be through my university and I’d have to pay for it.
I guess what I’ll have to do is just try and power through for now. Start to attend AA on regular basis, maybe actually get a job…try and handle school work the best I can…it just all seems so overwhelming and impossible but maybe if I just take it day by day….I don’t know.
I just feel so alone and isolated. It’s my biggest issue. If I could just find a way to not feel that way, all of this would be easier to deal with. Because it is that that is causing me to feel so incredibly depressed and therefore drink as much as I have been.
I'm not really sure how to feel better or what the first step needs to be. I suppose I need to start with cutting off all contact with the EXABF but that isn't going to make me feel any better.
PS- I did mention that I wanted to get into some sort of program but she dismissed the idea as ridiculous rather quickly.