When I get scared, lonely, and sad I would always revert to what was familiar. For me the familiar was my ex. So I would run back. The unsafe was safe. For me the familiar was pain, anxiety, chaos, ecstasy, and then more pain so I would go back as if being involuntarily sucked in to a blackhole. It's what I have known love to be- crazy, passionate, insecure, unreliable, unavailable, numb, intense, and abusive. And now I know that my "familiar" place, while it apparently is what I needed to grow, is not okay with me anymore. It is time for me to wake up, evolve, and transform as my new life is waiting for me now. I have had to battle demons a long the way and now am surrounded by angels. All are important parts to the whole. It is like dying and being reborn before actually dying.
I am breaking free, in stages, but I think I am in the phase of moving on now. And now is what matters. I will no longer grieve the future or hope for the past. I have grieved the past and I am living in the present with gratitude for each waking breath. I look forward to whatever is in store for my new life.
I have come to realize that what kept me from letting go of the pain was that the pain was actually what was making me numb. So I had to go through the pain to come out on the other side. The pain is deep and I am asking it to leave now because I have held it for so long and I need freedom to grow.
I am no longer the girl who's mother abandoned her to alcohol in her most formative teenage years when she needed someone to be there to protect her and take care of her. I am not the little traumatized girl who was sexually abused anymore who's mother ignored her when I needed her to believe me. I am not the little girl who cannot remember many parts of her childhood although it was a happy childhood for the most part. I am the woman who is healing and protecting that little girl inside now so she can rest. I have denied her and in turn have been denied. She has now transformed into a whole mature adult woman who can protect herself with the loving kindness of her higher power- that is me. And with that I trust my mother will find her way to her higher power eventually.
I love my family with all of their many challenges, addictions, and pain. I realize what we have is love and I also realize there is deep codependency. I choose to break the wheel of dysfunction and to take responsibility for myself. I feel that will heal our family more than contributing to the insanity. And believe me, so much has changed since I took that leap and disengaged. I offered solutions, love, and respect which I could not offer before because I was angry, hurt, scared, and sad.
I love my ex and I have let him go. I am moving on. I am healing. I am changing. I am FREE! I am home free at last. Right where I am right now I have everything I need. I have come to realize what true love and pure love means. Everything on this earth is temporary and changing. Love is infinite and immortal.
Guilt, grief, ego, attachment, and pride has kept my life on repeat. I will do a ritual to let him go and move on and will stop manipulating him any longer or to allow him to manipulate me. Because when I feel all of this love, I feel like sharing it with him and convincing him that he should join me in the land of the loving. His sobriety is not my responsibility and at the same time he will be able to experience the growing pains needed for true sobriety and recovery beyond just not using his drug of choice. I pray for his serenity as well and I pray for my serenity.
I need emotional sobriety for my heart, for my healing, and for the love to return. So I cannot be with someone who is emotionally unstable. I was acting like a mother to him and I am not his mother. Maybe I gave him what he needed for a little while- some motherly love, attention, and affection while asking for little in return while I replayed my childhood trauma with denial of love, abandonment, and attachment. So once again, I say to him and everyone in my life that is in pain- "I am sorry, I forgive you, Please forgive me, I love you, and Please pray for me and I will pray for you. Thank you."
I have so much love in me I feel I could burst and I have denied it for too long. So I protect myself with light now. I am coming out of the dark unafraid. I don't have to be scared anymore. None of us here in this forum have to be scared anymore. Embrace love, embrace light, embrace the pain then let it go, embrace change. I embrace whatever may come my way. So here comes the change- Bring it on!
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Many Blessings,
B&B