I appreciate the responses. It's been up and down.
The other night I was weak and I watched all his old videos on youtube.
I say old because he hasn't posted anything new in forever.
They were all hilarious and typical of his effortless humor.
I just watched and cried and cried and cried from happiness at how awesome he is, and complete despair because he's not just what he seems from the videos.
I guess it's pretty sick of me to get my "fix" from old a** uploaded, youtube videos. It was like visiting the dead, only knowing they're not dead and that I could drive to his house in less than twenty minutes any day I wanted to...so basically...yeah...it was pretty f-ed up I guess of me.
Thanks ZoSo for the invitation to chat. Honestly I'm just a negative Nancy right now and I'm tired of bringing everybody down. But I really, really, really appreciate the consideration.
Thanks to everyone else for taking the time to type a response. Sometimes it helps just to know I'm not alone with this kind of pain...because so often I feel completely along. My family doesn't think I've been seeing him for the past three years...which I have. And only three of my closest friends know...and they just all think I'm nuts.
I guess anyone with half a brain wrote him off a long time ago.
It would be so much easier if I could just write him off as a monster.
But he isn't.
And watching those videos? Well at least they made me feel less insane in the sense that I think anyone watching them with half a sense of humor would think it was funny.
The love of my life went from an amazing guy, to a written-off junkie. No friends. No family. No me.
And it breaks my heart every day.
I think the hardest thing to ever forgive, will be the fact that he has literally left me with no option but to leave.