All this anger...All this hope
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Georgia
Posts: 43
All this anger...All this hope
It's been a month since I wrote him a letter, handed it to him, and told him I didn't think we should see each other any more.
Even so...
I still check craigslist missed connections feeling sick that I'll find something...feeling sick that I don't.
I still cry.
I think the other day I prayed to him in the car...or maybe it was just a conversation. But I cried through that too.
I watch documentaries endlessly on heroin, methadone, krokodil.
I write songs about suboxone and subutex.
I'm very, very, very angry.
Sometimes I feel like I won't feel better until I'm standing over his dead body.
Sometimes I feel like I won't feel better until I join the cops as a Narc Dectective and shoot every single drug dealer I find in the f*cking head.
Sometimes I feel like I won't feel better until I slap every drug addict I meet in the face with a two-by-four embedded with nails.
I feel sometimes like I want to save them all, and at others I want to watch all of those f*cking bastards burn.
I hate feeling this angry...but I do.
The other side of this is the hope. And because of this hope I've started drinking.
It's sick, hoping after eight years things will change. Hoping that one day I'll press my cheek into his broken collar bone, right where I always fit before.
It's sick hoping I'll smell him one more time before I die.
I need advice.
I need advice because at this point I'm scaring myself and my family.
Almost everyday I wake up I'm angry that I did.
I think at this point if a semi crashed through my car on the way to work it would be a relief from all this anger and all this hope.
And I don't have the gall to talk to my friends and family because it would only hurt them and I know they would never understand.
Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle all this pain? I know I'm not the only one. I know this is an age-old story told many times over. I don't think I'm special or unique...I just think I'm done.
And I just need some advice on how to handle all this anger, and all this hope.
Thanks.
Even so...
I still check craigslist missed connections feeling sick that I'll find something...feeling sick that I don't.
I still cry.
I think the other day I prayed to him in the car...or maybe it was just a conversation. But I cried through that too.
I watch documentaries endlessly on heroin, methadone, krokodil.
I write songs about suboxone and subutex.
I'm very, very, very angry.
Sometimes I feel like I won't feel better until I'm standing over his dead body.
Sometimes I feel like I won't feel better until I join the cops as a Narc Dectective and shoot every single drug dealer I find in the f*cking head.
Sometimes I feel like I won't feel better until I slap every drug addict I meet in the face with a two-by-four embedded with nails.
I feel sometimes like I want to save them all, and at others I want to watch all of those f*cking bastards burn.
I hate feeling this angry...but I do.
The other side of this is the hope. And because of this hope I've started drinking.
It's sick, hoping after eight years things will change. Hoping that one day I'll press my cheek into his broken collar bone, right where I always fit before.
It's sick hoping I'll smell him one more time before I die.
I need advice.
I need advice because at this point I'm scaring myself and my family.
Almost everyday I wake up I'm angry that I did.
I think at this point if a semi crashed through my car on the way to work it would be a relief from all this anger and all this hope.
And I don't have the gall to talk to my friends and family because it would only hurt them and I know they would never understand.
Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle all this pain? I know I'm not the only one. I know this is an age-old story told many times over. I don't think I'm special or unique...I just think I'm done.
And I just need some advice on how to handle all this anger, and all this hope.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Caucasian;West Coast; Husband sometimes breathes fire; hence his nickname Dragon & mine Mrs. Dragon
Posts: 176
I think you need to realize that you have been traumatized by all you have been through. The pain is just raw and of course that is why it hurts at such an unbearable level. But I think the anger your expressing in a way does signify that deep down you have a core of strength. You are opening your eyes and seeing all that was wrong, and you want to fight back at it. I think that translates into your being a survivor. If you view yourself as a survivor, then you will continue to look for hope for your future regardless of what happens between the both of you.
Change is scary, and once we start our journey forward; it takes a while for things to feel safe and comfortable. Ive found that is when the past and all that was once so familiar, and even safe in its own way calls out to me. From my experience, if you keep pushing forward new thoughts, new dreams will find their way to you. I know this may not be what you want to hear; but it just takes time. Keep walking forward, and stop turning your head looking back. Its very hard to walk a straight line forward while your head is twisted at that angle. Believe me Ive tried it in the past.
As far as the anger goes…. I would try to find a healthy physical release . Run, ride your bike, take up kick boxing. And talk…. If you are able to I would first suggest a therapist, or if you are part of support group try leaning on them now, or come here 24/7 read and know you are not alone, and share your thoughts and feelings.
My son actively uses substances, and I have to tell you I witnessed a wonderful woman almost go down in flames trying to save him; forgetting about her life and her dreams, because for a while there she put his needs above her own. She found her way back to her own life, and I pray that you will also.
Change is scary, and once we start our journey forward; it takes a while for things to feel safe and comfortable. Ive found that is when the past and all that was once so familiar, and even safe in its own way calls out to me. From my experience, if you keep pushing forward new thoughts, new dreams will find their way to you. I know this may not be what you want to hear; but it just takes time. Keep walking forward, and stop turning your head looking back. Its very hard to walk a straight line forward while your head is twisted at that angle. Believe me Ive tried it in the past.
As far as the anger goes…. I would try to find a healthy physical release . Run, ride your bike, take up kick boxing. And talk…. If you are able to I would first suggest a therapist, or if you are part of support group try leaning on them now, or come here 24/7 read and know you are not alone, and share your thoughts and feelings.
My son actively uses substances, and I have to tell you I witnessed a wonderful woman almost go down in flames trying to save him; forgetting about her life and her dreams, because for a while there she put his needs above her own. She found her way back to her own life, and I pray that you will also.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I can't tell you how to feel better, but I can guarantee you that drinking will make you feel worse.
You sound like you are in crisis, and if you are I hope you call someone for help.
Obsessing about the pain will only make it worse. Talking about it will help you work through it. If there are any Al-anon, Nar-anon or CoDA meetings in your area it might be well worth your time to go check them out.
It's up to you but there is help available for you if you are willing to reach out.
Hugs
You sound like you are in crisis, and if you are I hope you call someone for help.
Obsessing about the pain will only make it worse. Talking about it will help you work through it. If there are any Al-anon, Nar-anon or CoDA meetings in your area it might be well worth your time to go check them out.
It's up to you but there is help available for you if you are willing to reach out.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
It's good to release all of that. Talk to someone, anyone. Keep talking. Cry. Write songs. Sing them, loud. Post here. Run. Run faster. Post here more. Volunteer. Paint. Read. Write down all of the things you wanted to be when you were a little girl, start hobbies that involve similar concepts. Focus on the things you can do right now that will make you feel good and improve your physical and emotional well-being.
Really, the only thing that helps is maintaining focus on improving yourself, and the passage of time. You are not alone.
Really, the only thing that helps is maintaining focus on improving yourself, and the passage of time. You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I needed to reply to you because I know exactly what you are going through. My x was not a drug addict, he was an alcoholic and he was abusive. So I don't know everything you went through while being with a drug addict, a lot maybe very similar.
But I do know every feeling that you have expressed. The anger, the hope. Both are bad.
I remember when I was married and I journaled, I would write that the depression was the best that I felt because I no longer wanted the hope. The hope was the thing that was killing me. The depression was actually the 5 steps of grief. I could have worked my way out of there, but I was seeing a psychiatrist, and he wanted me on anti-depressants, for me, this only gave me back the hope again. I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. Anti-depressants usually do work for this, but not me.
I could take all the anti-depressants in the world, but it was not going to make him treat me better, and it was not going to make me accept his behavior towards me.
All it really did was to get me researching again, on other ways to reach out to him. There was none, he wanted none. He closed me out. At the age of 53 he was running away from home, disappearing for a week to 3 months at a time. All the while he was gone, I concentrated on how to make things work, what could I change, what could I do better, how can I get him to treat me like a person, never mind how to treat me like a wife that he loved.
Stop researching, stop reading and watching those movies. It's hard to do, I know, I was married for 27 years. Did this for at least the last 10 years.
Did I get PTSD because of him. No, I did it to myself !!!!!!! I made myself sick. I also started to drink to numb the hope, to go back into the depression, because I handled that better. I got angry then, and made all of these plans on how to take my life back. But you know what happened, I fell asleep, got up, and had that damn hope back.
I also came to realize that the hope that I had, was just that I wanted validation. I was never going to have a good marriage, but I felt like I wanted to be let off the hook, and for him to stop blaming me. I know that I did every thing that I could.
The anger part, had to let go of that also, not for him, but for me. I see him as a sick person, (probably undiagnosed personality disorder also, but that's another story) and I didn't want to go any further down the hole with him. So for now, my anger is gone.
(Not to say that it won't come right back up if I ever see him again, but will work on that when and if it comes up).
But truthfully now, if anyone would ever ask me if I would ever consider myself being together with him, I can honestly answer, "no way in h3ll, are you crazy?"
You can remember the good times, and still keep a little place in your heart for that, but instead of remembering the bad times, I try to think of it as a lesson learned. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
But I do know every feeling that you have expressed. The anger, the hope. Both are bad.
I remember when I was married and I journaled, I would write that the depression was the best that I felt because I no longer wanted the hope. The hope was the thing that was killing me. The depression was actually the 5 steps of grief. I could have worked my way out of there, but I was seeing a psychiatrist, and he wanted me on anti-depressants, for me, this only gave me back the hope again. I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. Anti-depressants usually do work for this, but not me.
I could take all the anti-depressants in the world, but it was not going to make him treat me better, and it was not going to make me accept his behavior towards me.
All it really did was to get me researching again, on other ways to reach out to him. There was none, he wanted none. He closed me out. At the age of 53 he was running away from home, disappearing for a week to 3 months at a time. All the while he was gone, I concentrated on how to make things work, what could I change, what could I do better, how can I get him to treat me like a person, never mind how to treat me like a wife that he loved.
Stop researching, stop reading and watching those movies. It's hard to do, I know, I was married for 27 years. Did this for at least the last 10 years.
Did I get PTSD because of him. No, I did it to myself !!!!!!! I made myself sick. I also started to drink to numb the hope, to go back into the depression, because I handled that better. I got angry then, and made all of these plans on how to take my life back. But you know what happened, I fell asleep, got up, and had that damn hope back.
I also came to realize that the hope that I had, was just that I wanted validation. I was never going to have a good marriage, but I felt like I wanted to be let off the hook, and for him to stop blaming me. I know that I did every thing that I could.
The anger part, had to let go of that also, not for him, but for me. I see him as a sick person, (probably undiagnosed personality disorder also, but that's another story) and I didn't want to go any further down the hole with him. So for now, my anger is gone.
(Not to say that it won't come right back up if I ever see him again, but will work on that when and if it comes up).
But truthfully now, if anyone would ever ask me if I would ever consider myself being together with him, I can honestly answer, "no way in h3ll, are you crazy?"
You can remember the good times, and still keep a little place in your heart for that, but instead of remembering the bad times, I try to think of it as a lesson learned. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by HeWhoSleeps 
It's been a month since I wrote him a letter, handed it to him, and told him I didn't think we should see each other any more.
Even so...
I still check craigslist missed connections feeling sick that I'll find something...feeling sick that I don't.
I still cry.
I think the other day I prayed to him in the car...or maybe it was just a conversation. But I cried through that too.
I watch documentaries endlessly on heroin, methadone, krokodil.
I write songs about suboxone and subutex.
I'm very, very, very angry.
Sometimes I feel like I won't feel better until I'm standing over his dead body.
Sometimes I feel like I won't feel better until I join the cops as a Narc Dectective and shoot every single drug dealer I find in the f*cking head.
Sometimes I feel like I won't feel better until I slap every drug addict I meet in the face with a two-by-four embedded with nails.
I feel sometimes like I want to save them all, and at others I want to watch all of those f*cking bastards burn.
I hate feeling this angry...but I do.
The other side of this is the hope. And because of this hope I've started drinking.
It's sick, hoping after eight years things will change. Hoping that one day I'll press my cheek into his broken collar bone, right where I always fit before.
It's sick hoping I'll smell him one more time before I die.
I need advice.
I need advice because at this point I'm scaring myself and my family.
Almost everyday I wake up I'm angry that I did.
I think at this point if a semi crashed through my car on the way to work it would be a relief from all this anger and all this hope.
And I don't have the gall to talk to my friends and family because it would only hurt them and I know they would never understand.
Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle all this pain? I know I'm not the only one. I know this is an age-old story told many times over. I don't think I'm special or unique...I just think I'm done.
And I just need some advice on how to handle all this anger, and all this hope.
Thanks.
Even so...
I still check craigslist missed connections feeling sick that I'll find something...feeling sick that I don't.
I still cry.
I think the other day I prayed to him in the car...or maybe it was just a conversation. But I cried through that too.
I watch documentaries endlessly on heroin, methadone, krokodil.
I write songs about suboxone and subutex.
I'm very, very, very angry.
Sometimes I feel like I won't feel better until I'm standing over his dead body.
Sometimes I feel like I won't feel better until I join the cops as a Narc Dectective and shoot every single drug dealer I find in the f*cking head.
Sometimes I feel like I won't feel better until I slap every drug addict I meet in the face with a two-by-four embedded with nails.
I feel sometimes like I want to save them all, and at others I want to watch all of those f*cking bastards burn.
I hate feeling this angry...but I do.
The other side of this is the hope. And because of this hope I've started drinking.
It's sick, hoping after eight years things will change. Hoping that one day I'll press my cheek into his broken collar bone, right where I always fit before.
It's sick hoping I'll smell him one more time before I die.
I need advice.
I need advice because at this point I'm scaring myself and my family.
Almost everyday I wake up I'm angry that I did.
I think at this point if a semi crashed through my car on the way to work it would be a relief from all this anger and all this hope.
And I don't have the gall to talk to my friends and family because it would only hurt them and I know they would never understand.
Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle all this pain? I know I'm not the only one. I know this is an age-old story told many times over. I don't think I'm special or unique...I just think I'm done.
And I just need some advice on how to handle all this anger, and all this hope.
Thanks.
Part of getting better and part of going forward is accepting, and sitting with, this sort of pain. There's a sticky note related to surviving a breakup with an addict that may be of help to you, but let me say this.
The way I got through that sort of pain was simply accepting where I was at. There was no other choice but to do so, and there were times that I was as depressed as depressed could be. For the first time in my life, I turned to God and asked Him to shoulder some of the pain for me. Because I couldn't do it on my own. It was too intense for me to handle on my own. So, I basically asked God for help. And for some reason, He decided to listen and help me out.
I'm not telling you that any of this is easy, because it's not. But when you said goodbye to the addict that was in your life, you were incredibly, incredibly brave. That took a lot of courage on your part, and you should be giving yourself a lot of credit for making such a tough call. So, if you have to cry, it's OK to cry. You have to heal. Make sure you do all the little things -- bathing, eating, cleaning up after yourself.
You're going to be OK. I promise you that. Just keep on keeping on. Post here as often as you need to. And if you're really, really bad off, you can PM me and we can talk.
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Georgia
Posts: 43
I appreciate the responses. It's been up and down.
The other night I was weak and I watched all his old videos on youtube.
I say old because he hasn't posted anything new in forever.
They were all hilarious and typical of his effortless humor.
I just watched and cried and cried and cried from happiness at how awesome he is, and complete despair because he's not just what he seems from the videos.
I guess it's pretty sick of me to get my "fix" from old a** uploaded, youtube videos. It was like visiting the dead, only knowing they're not dead and that I could drive to his house in less than twenty minutes any day I wanted to...so basically...yeah...it was pretty f-ed up I guess of me.
Thanks ZoSo for the invitation to chat. Honestly I'm just a negative Nancy right now and I'm tired of bringing everybody down. But I really, really, really appreciate the consideration.
Thanks to everyone else for taking the time to type a response. Sometimes it helps just to know I'm not alone with this kind of pain...because so often I feel completely along. My family doesn't think I've been seeing him for the past three years...which I have. And only three of my closest friends know...and they just all think I'm nuts.
I guess anyone with half a brain wrote him off a long time ago.
It would be so much easier if I could just write him off as a monster.
But he isn't.
And watching those videos? Well at least they made me feel less insane in the sense that I think anyone watching them with half a sense of humor would think it was funny.
The love of my life went from an amazing guy, to a written-off junkie. No friends. No family. No me.
And it breaks my heart every day.
I think the hardest thing to ever forgive, will be the fact that he has literally left me with no option but to leave.
The other night I was weak and I watched all his old videos on youtube.
I say old because he hasn't posted anything new in forever.
They were all hilarious and typical of his effortless humor.
I just watched and cried and cried and cried from happiness at how awesome he is, and complete despair because he's not just what he seems from the videos.
I guess it's pretty sick of me to get my "fix" from old a** uploaded, youtube videos. It was like visiting the dead, only knowing they're not dead and that I could drive to his house in less than twenty minutes any day I wanted to...so basically...yeah...it was pretty f-ed up I guess of me.
Thanks ZoSo for the invitation to chat. Honestly I'm just a negative Nancy right now and I'm tired of bringing everybody down. But I really, really, really appreciate the consideration.
Thanks to everyone else for taking the time to type a response. Sometimes it helps just to know I'm not alone with this kind of pain...because so often I feel completely along. My family doesn't think I've been seeing him for the past three years...which I have. And only three of my closest friends know...and they just all think I'm nuts.
I guess anyone with half a brain wrote him off a long time ago.
It would be so much easier if I could just write him off as a monster.
But he isn't.
And watching those videos? Well at least they made me feel less insane in the sense that I think anyone watching them with half a sense of humor would think it was funny.
The love of my life went from an amazing guy, to a written-off junkie. No friends. No family. No me.
And it breaks my heart every day.
I think the hardest thing to ever forgive, will be the fact that he has literally left me with no option but to leave.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
The love of my life went from an amazing guy, to a written-off junkie. No friends. No family. No me.
And it breaks my heart every day.
And it breaks my heart every day.
Heartache is heartache. It's an unfortunate, sometimes nasty part of life touches everyone at some point. The people we really care about, the people we really love, we should carry with us.
My offer stands should you decide to take it up.
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
Wow, I must respond to your post, only because I honestly haven't posted in awhile (have only been replying here and there) but I was considering posting something about anger when I read this. You will get over this anger. It may take a very long time but you will get over it. For me, I felt those very things you did for a long time. I was so angry that I wanted to seriously call my friends who were in law enforcement and take down my ex and all of his loser friends. I could have seriously on many occassions just F'D their worlds up. I hated him. I hated everything about him, about everything he did and brought into my life. I hated all his friends. I hated the fact that he was such an idiot that he lost all his friends and could just turn his back on everything good. I honestly for a long time wanted to inflict pain.
But then I had to stop. Stooping to that level would have just made me an evil person, which I am not. I got to a point that I told myself, there's no reason I should inflict pain. That would be bad karma on me and the thing that matters the most is knowing he is living in his own hell. Nothing I could do to him, no amount of anger or venom I could spew would ruin his life more than what he's already done to it by the choices he's made. And, the hard part is that I still have waves of anger, months later they are still there. But, they are not as extreme and each time I wake up angry (it happened today) I remind myself of the fact that he is living a lonely, emotionless existance.
I know it's hard. I still struggle. Try and stay busy. Me, I am fortunate. I got a promotion a few months ago around the time that he and I stopped talking. I had no focus when I started this job. I realize that if I had stayed in this horrible relationship, my career would have been in jeaporday because my life could never stay stable for too long with this addict. At least most days I am so busy and involved with my work and my daughter that I don't have time to stay angry for too long. Please find things to keep yourself busy, things you enjoy, things you may have stopped focusing on because you let an addict take your focus away from you.
I know its hard. Trust me. I read in a book one day that the opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference. That quote has never left my mind. I'm not completely there yet but I know I will be. The day that I wake up "indifferent" is the day that I know I've compeltely healed.
But then I had to stop. Stooping to that level would have just made me an evil person, which I am not. I got to a point that I told myself, there's no reason I should inflict pain. That would be bad karma on me and the thing that matters the most is knowing he is living in his own hell. Nothing I could do to him, no amount of anger or venom I could spew would ruin his life more than what he's already done to it by the choices he's made. And, the hard part is that I still have waves of anger, months later they are still there. But, they are not as extreme and each time I wake up angry (it happened today) I remind myself of the fact that he is living a lonely, emotionless existance.
I know it's hard. I still struggle. Try and stay busy. Me, I am fortunate. I got a promotion a few months ago around the time that he and I stopped talking. I had no focus when I started this job. I realize that if I had stayed in this horrible relationship, my career would have been in jeaporday because my life could never stay stable for too long with this addict. At least most days I am so busy and involved with my work and my daughter that I don't have time to stay angry for too long. Please find things to keep yourself busy, things you enjoy, things you may have stopped focusing on because you let an addict take your focus away from you.
I know its hard. Trust me. I read in a book one day that the opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference. That quote has never left my mind. I'm not completely there yet but I know I will be. The day that I wake up "indifferent" is the day that I know I've compeltely healed.
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