Fenway, you are talking to people here who have been where you are, the despair and self loathing you describe were constant companions for me too.
Here's the thing. You have power inside you that is limited only by your imagination. Visualize the person you know that you are. Understand that your past does not control you today. You can flip this around right now.
Grab a pen and paper, and write down what you would advise someone else to do, and then do it!