Working On Me
My crazy co-dependent activities have started back up again. Yay for me! (that was sarcasm) I've already suspected my AH of using, more than once. But, as always, it's so hard for me to prove it, so I drive myself crazy trying to. If I don't prove he's using, I can't be justified in making him leave. I've searched his vehicle, searched his phone, and secretly hated him for doing this to me, to us, to our family; all while smiling sweetly at him for the most part.
But, I've been quicker to let him know that I'm on to him. I did tell him I think I may have acted too quickly by letting him move back home. I told him I didn't want to act too quickly by kicking him back out. Now, I don't think I've acted quickly enough.
I made him sleep on the couch tonight. In the past, I would have let him sleep in our bed while I secretly loathed him and lost sleep over it. I know he was high. I know I'm not crazy. Maybe it was the methadone but I don't care. As I stood there watching him stumble around with his eyes half open, I thought to myself- He's back! This is not the same guy from two weeks ago. Or maybe it is and it was easier for him to fool me since we weren't living together. I stared at him and hated him, pitied him, hated mystery for letting him back in our home, and pitied my poor children.
So he's asleep and it's the middle of the night. I woke up to transfer my two youngest to their own beds. Then I thought about waking up AH so he could sleep in here. He's probably not comfortable on the couch. WAIT A MINUTE! He got himself into this mess. He's lucky to be sleeping on the couch instead of in his vehicle. He can stay put. I'm going to read and then get some rest.
So, I started reading Codependent No More. It's awesome! Now I'm going to get some rest. I'm very close to telling him that this (us living together) is just not working for me.