Faithlove

My crazy co-dependent activities have started back up again. Yay for me! (that was sarcasm) I've already suspected my AH of using, more than once. But, as always, it's so hard for me to prove it, so I drive myself crazy trying to. If I don't prove he's using, I can't be justified in making him leave. I've searched his vehicle, searched his phone, and secretly hated him for doing this to me, to us, to our family; all while smiling sweetly at him for the most part.

But, I've been quicker to let him know that I'm on to him. I did tell him I think I may have acted too quickly by letting him move back home. I told him I didn't want to act too quickly by kicking him back out. Now, I don't think I've acted quickly enough.

I made him sleep on the couch tonight. In the past, I would have let him sleep in our bed while I secretly loathed him and lost sleep over it. I know he was high. I know I'm not crazy. Maybe it was the methadone but I don't care. As I stood there watching him stumble around with his eyes half open, I thought to myself- He's back! This is not the same guy from two weeks ago. Or maybe it is and it was easier for him to fool me since we weren't living together. I stared at him and hated him, pitied him, hated mystery for letting him back in our home, and pitied my poor children.

So he's asleep and it's the middle of the night. I woke up to transfer my two youngest to their own beds. Then I thought about waking up AH so he could sleep in here. He's probably not comfortable on the couch. WAIT A MINUTE! He got himself into this mess. He's lucky to be sleeping on the couch instead of in his vehicle. He can stay put. I'm going to read and then get some rest.

So, I started reading Codependent No More. It's awesome! Now I'm going to get some rest. I'm very close to telling him that this (us living together) is just not working for me.

Ann

Something wonderful about recovery is that it teaches us that we don't have to blame the other person, we don't have to have proof of wrongdoings, we don't have to do anything except acknowledge how we feel, assess our situation and make decisions that are good for us and for our children.

Whatever he is or is not doing doesn't matter. What matters is that you are unhappy and that living together just isn't working for you. People separate every day and one person has to move. The person who stays, especially when they have children to care for, is not responsible for where the moving person goes. If he chooses to live in his car, fine. If he chooses to go to a sober living home, fine, if he chooses to seek out a rehab fine, if he chooses to live under a bridge, fine too...he HAS choices, and "we" are not the only choice.

The one thing extra that people with children must consider is that if he is living there and you suspect he is using drugs again, are the children in jeopardy. An active addict, no matter how functional, cannot be responsible for caring for children alone, nor can they be responsible about not leaving anything around that the children could find and harm themselves with.

Do what is right for you and your children, you don't need proof or evidence or any reason at all except that it is simply not working and he must move on.

Good luck dear, I know this is hard for you.

Hugs

FindingErica

Faithlove, you gave him a second chance and it isn't working. If you feel that was the wrong decision to let him back in, then change your mind and move on. I know it is hard, your mind and emotions are warring between who he was, who you thought he should be, the good times and what you wanted your family to look like VS the reality of what he is actually doing and who he actually is right now. I understand. AH is going to be here on Sat to see the kids, and I keep thinking maybe I will hang out with him and the kids and his family on Saturday before I go to work. Then I don't even want to see him when the kids open the door to leave. I know he will take any opportunity to bully me but I also have had this weird feeling of missing him lately. He was still the person I was closest too for the last 2 decades. Now you have answered the question of what would happen if you gave him a second chance and let him come back home. So is it what you want? If not what are you gonna do?

gurlie214

Faithlove,
I think I'm the one who originally told you to tell him maybe you acted too quickly by letting him move back in. And I even said, make sure you want him out before you tell him that so you don't act too hastily in that regard. SOunds like you have given it thought.....even a little time.....and you know now. So tell him to go! If you don;t want him there and he is disgusting you.....tell him to hit the road with his droopy eyes and all! That's the great thing about no longer being codependent.....you are allowed to make all of your own choices! And not feel guilty about them! Anyway, I am proud of you....you can do this! You can be healthy and no longer saturated with the life of someone who is choosing not to be healthy!!

supportforme

FaithLove
So sorry you're going through this. You have the right to change your mind. I gave my STBXAH so many chances over the years and continued to let him back because I didn't want my boys to be devastated with a divorce. Just reading your post about his eyes half open, sleeping next to him while secretly loathing... brings chills from my memories of exactly the same feelings - UGH. The reality of his addiction hit me smack in the face when the police showed up at my door in May to search our home (long story). I realized by staying that I endangered the welfare of my boys. He no longer lives here. He is in a recovery program now but there are major hurdles and relapses that go with that. He doesn't understand why I can't let him back for the sake of the boys. I can't tell you how peaceful it is to not have the contstant chaos and anxiety. I made a choice. I do not think I should take anything away from focusing on me and my boys right now. I no longer have the anxiety of watching him sleep all day on the couch and see the disappointment in my boys eyes. I try to have no more expectations of him so my own disappointment isn't there. There are times over the months that I suspected he was on the pills again, but, I very calmly just ask him to leave. Of course there are still painful disappointments and anxiety but it's different. The kids don't start acting up b/c they really want Dad to play but he's just sleeping or Mom is ready to blow a gasket b/c she can't take the anxiety of wondering if he's using or wanting to go check his car. There's still disappointment and he still finds ways to manipulate and the boys are going through alot of emotional issues but not having him here constantly gives both me and the boys the room to live and grow in a healthy stable environment. I pray that he gets the help he needs; but, I reached a point that it was no longer healthy for me to stay in the same home or marriage for that matter. You don't have to make any long term decisions right now; just make the decision that keeps you healthy, sane and your kids safe.

Faithlove

Thank you all! I guess the hardest part for me is getting past the fact that I don't have to prove he's using again to be justified in leaving him again. My feelings of unhappiness and misery ARE enough to justify leaving him. And I know his family will be upset but I've learned here (now just have to put it into practice) that I'm not responsible for their feelings or actions either. They will blame me for sending my AH back down the spiral but I have to let that go and let God deal with them. They're still uneducated on addiction but more importantly on co-dependency.

This is all so hard and I am so thankful for SR. I would still be drowning in madness if I hadn't found you all.

Faithlove

I have to admit that even this morning I gave in to my codie ways and did a search on drugs that won't show on a methadone test and then another search on drugs to mix with methadone. But it's too exhausting so I quit. I didn't even open one link. Time to get on with my morning!

FindingErica

Me too! I'm tired of reading on addiction and codependency. Some days you just gotta live!

LoveMeNow

I think many of us confuse love and pity. Our ego's just can't believe our AH chose drugs over us - forgetting it has nothing to do with us or love.

I love this line and have been practicing it a lot. "It's none of my business what you think of me." Just wanted to share.

Have a great day, try and keep him out of your thoughts for today and live YOUR life free of addiction!!

outtolunch

Ann,

This and your entire post is one of the all time most empowering responses within this forum. It's beyond " sticky" worthy.Thank you.

outtolunch

The heck with his family. You are not your guy's keeper. Nothing you say or do is going to cause him to sober up and stay that way or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

What possible good can come from continuing to expose your childrent to someone in active addiction or early recovery?

Faithlove

I now know I'm not powerful enough to cause him to sober up or stay that way.

I'm having difficulty wrapping my mind around not being able to cause him to relapse. I hurt him; he relapses. I don't really see a disconnect. I'm sure someone will be able to explain it to me though. I mean, I know he relapses even when I don't hurt him. And I know he doesn't have to relapse even if I do hurt him. But, I do think me making him leave will hurt him and might make him relapse. In the end, it is his choice though. I know that.

I guess the good from exposing our kids to him is that they're getting to see him more frequently. But that's not worth it. It's not good for them to see him when he's "asleep" on the couch while he's supposed to be watching a movie with them.

FindingErica

He hurts you, you don't turn to substances. We can not control how people act, we can only control how we react. Same for him.

supportforme

Believe me when I say I know your pain. I was so afraid of doing what I know was right for me that I kept staying and letting him back. I was so afraid that my kids would hate me or that he would hurt himself. Then I realized that I kept trying to give him the loving environment that would "save" him and he still relapsed. Nothing I could do would stop it. I'm not that powerful. I realized that I needed to let go and let a higher power take over. Whatever happens I can't change it or stop it. I am beginning to see major positive changes in the kids as well. They used to constantly ask when Dad is coming over and now there's a sense of peace when he leaves. They are free to just be. Hang in there. You'll find your answers and when they come there will be no doubt. There's nothing you can do to stop his relapse and there's nothing you can do to cause it. All you can do is focus on what makes you healthy. Your kids need a strong healthy parent and that's you. For me, I could no longer expose myself to the reality that his addiction was taking me away from my kids. I needed to find a way to rebuild myself and keep my sanity. We're here for you. I used to also be anxious about what his family would think. I'm at a point that whatever they think is irrelevent and I don't even engage nor do I listen to anything that is irrelevent to my sanity or happiness. They may think I'm cruel or a b**ch but at least I'm healthy & sane.