abandonedluv

hello all,
been here for quite some time and if you were to follow my story, as many others on here, it has been a rough and tumultuous road for me.

I just broke up with my 26 year old, alcoholic bf of two years. At first, things were bliss. He "pretended" to be a non-drinker and tried his best to convince me I would "never see him drunk because it was "not pretty". He defamed his family, swore I would never meet them (All warning signs) but when he told me his story, I couldnt help but sympathize and somehow feel an inkling of admiration for this guy who seemed to be trying to keep his life on track.

He is the son of two alcoholics. A mother who drank heavily through her pregnancy and a father who stopped working when he was five. Only to stay home drink and abuse and neglect his children and wife--to this day. Every one of his family members has had their licences taken away due to DUI and he has a younger sister who is addicted to Oxy among other things.

All of his childhood friends are addicts and alcoholics. He can sometimes even point some of them out on the street for me. The worse off ones, camping out at local liquor stores. All these people SO young!

He soon came to describe some of his childhood exploits to me: police run ins, driving drunk, stabbings, all kinds of drug use, a father who joined in on the fun , barely finishing highschool.

I would think "wow! and you have come so far!"...A talent for music, his own place and car, a steady job. And this blossoming, seemingly healthy relationship...

Fast forward to now. The relationship is over and I am left devastated and without an inch of self esteem or self worth. My heart is broken thinking of the wonderful love that existed at the start of our relationship when he was "sober". I am attending Al Anon regularly, including a support group weekly for friends and family members of addicts and alcoholics. My recovery has begun but I have burning questions I can not help but ask and want answers for:

Many on here tell me to forget about him and move on. Well, I have been left with no choice! This isn't about hope or salvaging but some insight into the mind of someone struggling with this disease...

He used to tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He had never felt like this about someone. Promises of a sober life together. I would glimpse moments where he would cry and say he does not want to end up like his father. Like the cycle goes, he would swear he was going to seek help but the next day would arrive and that never happened.

In one of our last conversations I asked him who was the real him: the man I met at first or this monster he was behaving like now. He said the man I met first, but that he was this person, more often than not. Then, hesitated and blurted out " I do not know actually".

Do these words ring true for any recovered poster on here?

Right now, he has villafied me. Even at the bitter end where he was calling on every and any little incident to blame me for the end of us and listing all the ways I "pissed him off", he bookends by saying that I am 'perfect'. I am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen and he has not ever stopped loving me. That he could never have imagined a woman like me finding good in him to love...

Of course, this is all text book. I know. The 'baggage' abounds! But it was the end. No time for manipulating. Him letting me "down". If you have the most wonderful thing that ever happened in front of you, how can you then blame them for "driving you to drink" and leave them behind? What is that?!

I want to know: for those of you who have come out of the darkness, do you ever reflect back to things you have done and fully understand the scope of those you have hurt? At the time you were doing these things, even in the throes of your addiction, did you have moments where you understood the pain you were causing? I just cannot, for the life of me, reconcile the kind, soft spoken man I met, with this monster that everyone is saying just "DOES NOT CARE AT ALL". I know the substances and alcohol aide in this apathy, but again, the gravity and reality of some of the things we have been through have to have some impact?? Especially, when I am present for those brief moments, when the tears flow and the admittance peaks through: "I love you so much...I do not want to be this way"

I know most of this may seem so emotionally, unintelligent and selfish. But I just wanted to know, that even for a moment he thinks of what he has done to me with some remorse. That he isn't off somewhere cheering it up with his old drinking buddies, that he is finally rid of me: happier than a pig in poop that he has shaken me off.

A friend of mine said to me tonight: to shake those images from my mind. The skipping into the sunset with the enabling ex, the happy times with friends. Because someone like that, will never reach true happiness in any moment.

But as an alcoholic, with drink in hand, and no obstacles to that next beer: was that not true happiness for you?

On one hand, I have people say "oh he is an alcoholic all he cares about is drinking" but then you hear that alcoholism is perpetuated by feelings of shame, guilt, remorse. So how can both be at once??!

If and when he wakes up to the light at the end of the tunnel will he remember the meals I made for him? The lovingly packed lunches? The times I held his hands while he cried and told him he is kind, he is worthy and he is good? The times we sat together and discussed that he could do whatever he wanted in life? Will he ever appreciate and realize I tried? Despite the fighting and tears and all the Al Anon no no's. I do not want to revel in his pain or anguish, but I do want to know: Can he , will he, ever know how much I loved him?

Or have I been relegated, indefinitely, to a list of crazy witches who tried to 'control' him and drove him to drink??

Don't get me wrong: some of the tuff lovin' I've had on here has pulled me out of the darkest moments of my life. I'd just like to hear from some recovered members. I want some real insight. Not just "forget about him he doesnt care about you". Not 'judgy' posts about how dumb I am to still be thinking of him....I am moving on the best I can right now. Seeking help outside myself and taking care of me. But for now, I am still wanting answers in my moments of weakness.