owathu

I don't know. I feel like I've gone through all the "grief" stages too quickly if you know what I mean. I am for the most part happy and smiling throughout the day, able to joke around with co-workers, making plans with friends, eating and working out again.

Some great things are happening, my condo got an offer the first week I moved back in (after 3 months with no nibbles), I found an adorable apartment across from a forest-like park in the middle of the city, (10 minutes to work!), signed the lease last night (My Realtor advised me not to buy before divorced, otherwise he could make a claim on the property, so I will wait), got the new laptop at work I had literally begging for for the last 5 years, made some really good sales, all in all very productive. I also cut my hair into an adorable bob and dyed it blonde, which AH hates (He said it made me look "old"), but I've had it most of my life and boy am I getting the compliments from everyone, even strangers on the street!

I am just really enjoying life and the freedom of not having to worry about: if he has enough beer, (my wine actually lasts all week long! Joy! Usually, I can count on a new bottle being gone the next morning because he drank it while I was sleeping), if he is going to crash his car, or get fired finally.

Or, if there is enough food he likes, doing his laundry, cleaning up his messes, taking out the garbage (and all the bottles-ugh!), moving where "I" want to and not having to move to the country like he wanted to.

Just, a feeling of peace, and a feeling of hope for the future. I am actually waking up in the morning not even giving him a second thought! And then realizing later in the day, I hadn't thought of him at all.

But, sometimes, I am so very very angry with him. It doesn't happen often, maybe every three or four days, and today is one of those days. I am so pissed and disgusted by him, her and the entire situation. Just the utter disregard for my feelings, our marriage and the promises he made. The rage that he can DO what he did, with no thought of the consequences in his life and not one thought of me, at all. I can't think of another word, but, DISGUST is what keeps going through my head. It's disgusting. And while I want no part of our "marriage" ever again, I am so disgusted that he turned out to be such a freaking loser.

When I look at a picture of him, I have no feeling of attraction, of love, but only of disgust and of thinking what an ugly human being he is.


And then it goes away and I don't think of him/her at all. Then, in those moments, it's just a part of my past that no longer exists.


So, do you think I am repressing something? Or am I in the true anger stage? Because for the most part, I am basically ambivalent towards him and the situation, and then every few days, the anger comes back to the forefront.

I also wanted to edit to add: I am so tired of thinking about it, her, him, the issue itself, it's gotten to the point where I've read all I can read on it, and quite frankly, I'm bored with trying to figure it all out, if that makes sense.

This is what I know: He's a drunk, who's going to continue drinking, most likely til he dies or loses his mind, his current chick isn't getting the best man he can be, she's getting the drunk I wanted to leave anyways. So, I ask myself, why am I acting all butt hurt when I wanted out for months anyways? I got what I wanted and I am thriving. But I am still pissed about it. Doesn't make sense.