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A little afraid that I might be repressing the pain?

Old 09-13-2012, 05:23 PM
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A little afraid that I might be repressing the pain?

I don't know. I feel like I've gone through all the "grief" stages too quickly if you know what I mean. I am for the most part happy and smiling throughout the day, able to joke around with co-workers, making plans with friends, eating and working out again.

Some great things are happening, my condo got an offer the first week I moved back in (after 3 months with no nibbles), I found an adorable apartment across from a forest-like park in the middle of the city, (10 minutes to work!), signed the lease last night (My Realtor advised me not to buy before divorced, otherwise he could make a claim on the property, so I will wait), got the new laptop at work I had literally begging for for the last 5 years, made some really good sales, all in all very productive. I also cut my hair into an adorable bob and dyed it blonde, which AH hates (He said it made me look "old"), but I've had it most of my life and boy am I getting the compliments from everyone, even strangers on the street!

I am just really enjoying life and the freedom of not having to worry about: if he has enough beer, (my wine actually lasts all week long! Joy! Usually, I can count on a new bottle being gone the next morning because he drank it while I was sleeping), if he is going to crash his car, or get fired finally.

Or, if there is enough food he likes, doing his laundry, cleaning up his messes, taking out the garbage (and all the bottles-ugh!), moving where "I" want to and not having to move to the country like he wanted to.

Just, a feeling of peace, and a feeling of hope for the future. I am actually waking up in the morning not even giving him a second thought! And then realizing later in the day, I hadn't thought of him at all.

But, sometimes, I am so very very angry with him. It doesn't happen often, maybe every three or four days, and today is one of those days. I am so pissed and disgusted by him, her and the entire situation. Just the utter disregard for my feelings, our marriage and the promises he made. The rage that he can DO what he did, with no thought of the consequences in his life and not one thought of me, at all. I can't think of another word, but, DISGUST is what keeps going through my head. It's disgusting. And while I want no part of our "marriage" ever again, I am so disgusted that he turned out to be such a freaking loser.

When I look at a picture of him, I have no feeling of attraction, of love, but only of disgust and of thinking what an ugly human being he is.


And then it goes away and I don't think of him/her at all. Then, in those moments, it's just a part of my past that no longer exists.


So, do you think I am repressing something? Or am I in the true anger stage? Because for the most part, I am basically ambivalent towards him and the situation, and then every few days, the anger comes back to the forefront.

I also wanted to edit to add: I am so tired of thinking about it, her, him, the issue itself, it's gotten to the point where I've read all I can read on it, and quite frankly, I'm bored with trying to figure it all out, if that makes sense.

This is what I know: He's a drunk, who's going to continue drinking, most likely til he dies or loses his mind, his current chick isn't getting the best man he can be, she's getting the drunk I wanted to leave anyways. So, I ask myself, why am I acting all butt hurt when I wanted out for months anyways? I got what I wanted and I am thriving. But I am still pissed about it. Doesn't make sense.
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Old 09-13-2012, 05:28 PM
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I don't know, but I wouldn't worry too much about it. While there are stages of grief, there is no set time limit or order in which they may come. Just take each day as it comes. Sounds to me like you are doing pretty darned good.
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Old 09-13-2012, 05:43 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
I don't know, but I wouldn't worry too much about it. While there are stages of grief, there is no set time limit or order in which they may come. Just take each day as it comes. Sounds to me like you are doing pretty darned good.
LOL, my theme song right now is" "September" by Earth Wind and Fire...it's such a happy freaking song. (Wait, I am listening to the words...lol...see?)
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Old 09-13-2012, 05:46 PM
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Oh, I love that song and most anything else by Earth Wind and Fire. Boogie on!
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Old 09-13-2012, 05:48 PM
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Owatha-

I caution gentleness when we are having hard feelings toward ourselves, but sometimes we are so used to the hard that we question the good feelings.

Be open to whatever is there, while it is there and the path you are on. The rest will take care of itself.

If the feelings change and become stronger...they will, if not that is okay too.

I got myself into more trouble by being surprised by the emotions then the actual feelings I had.
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Old 09-13-2012, 06:02 PM
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
Owatha-

I caution gentleness when we are having hard feelings toward ourselves, but sometimes we are so used to the hard that we question the good feelings.

Be open to whatever is there, while it is there and the path you are on. The rest will take care of itself.

If the feelings change and become stronger...they will, if not that is okay too.

I got myself into more trouble by being surprised by the emotions then the actual feelings I had.
Can you explain what you mean? The fact that I can't stand the thought i=of him so much? I am actually in the past couple of days being OK with the situation and somewhat coming to the point where I might be able to wish him well. It's a weird place I am in right now. But, my most overwhelming emotions are exact opposite from each other ambivalence-----anger. So, I guess I am trying to figure out why is that? Ambivalence is the exact opposite emotion from either love or anger. So, if I feel ambivalent for the most part, where is the anger coming from. Probably not from our crappy marriage, but from somewhere in my past I think. (Mom is an alcoholic with major narcissitic tendencies.)

I also wanted to edit again! to say that I was speaking with my sister this weekend and actually told her that I cannot remember any moment of joy that my AH brought into my life. Everything he touched was destroyed, my gorgeous furniture was destroyed by a puppy HE had to have and decided to ignore, (I tried), financially he was a sieve, he hated every single one of my friends, my sister he even tried to get me to dislike. There is just nothing about him or our relationship that is redeemable. I even became a hard, angry, person.

My sister said to me this weekend: Owathu is back~We all missed you. My friends, who I ignored because I was embarassed, welcome me with open arms. All the time, I always thought, well maybe AH is right, I am a bitch. And here I am, with people who have known me for years, happy I am back, the old Owathu, the Owathu before "he" came into my life. (It''s been a decade essentially) And that is the part that makes me sad. That I was so willing to give EVERYTHING up for a man who could barely tolerate me.
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Old 09-13-2012, 06:12 PM
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Owathu,
I wonder if your perspective has changed? Maybe your brain is getting its wiring corrected and your looking at things with you being the center of your world and not your A. Of course sometimes you feel angry - he did plenty to make you angry. Ambivalence, that makes sense to me too. You are moving on and don't want him anymore.
Not too long ago I recognized that this shift was occuring in me. It felt unfamiliar and I don't always trust it.
But I say roll with it. It's okay to feel good, grateful and have some humor in your life. You deserve it for sure.
Hugs,
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Old 09-13-2012, 06:23 PM
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I don't know about you - but I find myself thinking that I should feel grief when really, I feel happy and excited for the new future in front of me.

People do the head tilt and say "Oh I am sorry" when I say "I am no longer married" and my first thought is "don't be, I'm not".

I am living in a house I love, fixing it up the way I want it, my girls are calm and settled and dare I say, happy?!

But like you, some days I do get angry. Those days I have to physically tell myself (usually in the car in private!) to STOP DWELLING and evict the person living in my head rent-free.

Those days are few and far between now. For that, I am very, very grateful. I hope you are, as well, because you sound great!

Live each day as it comes, and not on what some prescribed theory says it should be.

Keep on keepin on!
~T
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Old 09-13-2012, 06:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
I don't know about you - but I find myself thinking that I should feel grief when really, I feel happy and excited for the new future in front of me.

People do the head tilt and say "Oh I am sorry" when I say "I am no longer married" and my first thought is "don't be, I'm not".

I am living in a house I love, fixing it up the way I want it, my girls are calm and settled and dare I say, happy?!

But like you, some days I do get angry. Those days I have to physically tell myself (usually in the car in private!) to STOP DWELLING and evict the person living in my head rent-free.

Those days are few and far between now. For that, I am very, very grateful. I hope you are, as well, because you sound great!

Live each day as it comes, and not on what some prescribed theory says it should be.

Keep on keepin on!
~T
You're right. If I feel OK, why should I question it? Probably because it's been so long that I was looking forward to going to work, walking my dog, running, getting dressed, going out, going grocery shopping (a dream now!), paying my bills, my bills, that I made, that I own, not worrying about his bills and how they would be paid because he just didn't give a crap. It's a RELIEF.

Seriously. I had mentioned here soon after this all came to light how my horrible back pain, literally disappeared within 72 hours of leaving. There was actually a point where taking dishes out of the dishwasher took 15 minutes because I had to stop for the back pain. Now? My ass is emptying that dishwasher like it's nothing, vaccum? Ha, child's play. Lifting heavy boxes that would throw out my back 6 months ago? Nope, a OK. I could barely clean without having massive back pain, now? Not a freaking twinge. It's amazing.

Thanks so much everyone here for the support. You are all amazing people.
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Old 09-13-2012, 06:50 PM
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The body doesn't lie.
Good for you Owathu.
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Old 09-13-2012, 07:03 PM
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Originally Posted by MamaKit View Post
The body doesn't lie.
Good for you Owathu.
It's freaky how our body internalizes this stuff when you think about it. I thought I was getting old. Nope, I just had a burden that was getting too hard to bear, and my back was the first part of my body saying: "yo, Owathu...this might be too much to bear, so, I am going to give you shooting pain until you undo this crap."

My knees were the next ones to go, I love running, but I could barely stand up from a sitting position without groaning, now? No pain in my knees at all. Gone. I run now, like the wind. It's mind boggling that our bodies tell us what's going on, and we ignore it, and attribute it to something else like being over 40. As if!
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Old 09-13-2012, 09:26 PM
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Hi,
I can relate to all your feelings. I am doing okay now... I am still angry too, however. Angry at him, angry at myself and angry at alcohol for ruining our relationship. Somehow it seems like anger is the most difficult thing to let go of.

I think sometimes when you've been in a bad relationship for a while, you do a lot of your grieving while you're actually in the relationship realizing how much things are starting to suck and the fact that they'll never work out, know what I mean?

I wouldn't worry about going through the grief stages too quickly, I think everyone goes at their own pace.
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Old 09-13-2012, 10:36 PM
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My perpetual eye twitch is gone.

I've lost weight, I eat better now.

The body does not lie...good point Mamakit.

I actually look forward to coming home, weekends, and the everyday adventures that life brings. Its so nice not to have someone mad at me all the time!
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Old 09-13-2012, 10:51 PM
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owathu I feel the exact same!! I went out with coworkers the last two nights and had a blast. I'm looking forward to this weekend. My cousin who I am very close to, but haven't seen much is the past few years is coming in from out of town. On top of that I'm sick with a cold and I still feel good.

Me STBXAW is supposed to be going with me to the court house to file the Divorce papers tomorrow as co-petitioner. And she hasn't got a hold of me to let me know she is going. But I really don't care!!!!! I have all morning to fill them out as sole petitioner, and I will do it.
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Old 09-14-2012, 04:05 AM
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You're right. If I feel OK, why should I question it? Probably because it's been so long that I was looking forward to going to work, walking my dog, running, getting dressed, going out, going grocery shopping (a dream now!), paying my bills, my bills, that I made, that I own, not worrying about his bills and how they would be paid because he just didn't give a crap. It's a RELIEF.

Maybe it's like the old joke:

Friend: "Why do you keep hitting yourself with a hammer?"
Codie: "Because it feels so good when I stop."

I am feeling just like you, free and joyful, scared, but mostly loving being on my own.

Last night I watched a TV show that I wanted to see without AH yelling at me because I couldn't work the controller fast enough to fast forward through the commercials. So much stress is just gone.

I also have had fibromyalgia for years, and it is much better since I left AH.

Go for it, you're on a roll.

BothSidesNow
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Old 09-14-2012, 09:52 AM
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Originally Posted by BothSidesNow View Post
Maybe it's like the old joke:

Friend: "Why do you keep hitting yourself with a hammer?"
Codie: "Because it feels so good when I stop."
So true.... when you put up with pain for so long it almost feels abnormal when it stops
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Old 09-14-2012, 09:58 AM
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do you think I am repressing something
You're the first person I've heard who's asked the question I asked myself. So thank you. I've run into a couple of "recovery opportunities" along the way, but mainly, I've been happy as a clam at high tide since I left. The new man in my life (who has his own experience of dysfunctional relationships) said, "I think that maybe, after you've lived with so much dysfunction and stress and walked on eggshells for so long, that you keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like you can't really believe that life can be this light and easy."

So what I told myself was to start paying attention to what was happening NOW. Enjoy what is happening NOW. Life is good. If I'm uncounsciously repressing stuff that'll bubble back up later? That'll be a problem for later, if it happens. But it might never happens. And if that's the case, there's no reason to sit around and wait for it to happen and ruin my today.
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Old 09-14-2012, 12:20 PM
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I can certainly relate to how you are feeling, it's an almost giddy joy arising from the FREEDOM of becoming extra-detatched (physically, financially, legally, emotionally) from the A who has been a huge distraction and source of pain.

It's like dropping a weight that you were having to drag, now you are a light as a feather! I also compared it to being a battery which was being drained non stop. Detach the source of the drain, and you have a boost of energy!

Unfortunately for me, the initial "high" wore off after about a month. I still get bursts of relief and joy that I don't have to deal with AW's problems, but in the quiet moments, I find the anger you are talking about . . . but more than anything, sadness, along with those familiar worries about AW and what, in the end, is going to happen to her.

I also have the painful reminder of monthly maintenance payments for another 5 years, a plan that I personally put together and have no right to complain about, but that weighs on me a bit because it's a big debt that I am paying to AW (to "buy my business" from her) which is not a happy thing.

You should completely enjoy being so happy! Hopefully it will stick around for a long, long, time. It does feel good, and you earned it.
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Old 09-14-2012, 03:05 PM
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
Owatha-

I caution gentleness when we are having hard feelings toward ourselves, but sometimes we are so used to the hard that we question the good feelings.

Be open to whatever is there, while it is there and the path you are on. The rest will take care of itself.

If the feelings change and become stronger...they will, if not that is okay too.

I got myself into more trouble by being surprised by the emotions then the actual feelings I had.
I am not 100% sure about your question, but I will give it a try. Please let me know if I did not answer it.

My thoughts and feelings toward myself were so harsh for so long that I did not feel like I "deserved" to feel good. As a result when I did feel good I thought there was something wrong! In addition if I felt something I did not think I should be feeling I would berate myself for a long time.

I have not always felt good in the two years that I have been split up, but I did have some relief that has stayed with me the whole time. That feeling of relief caught me off guard because it surprised me.

I spent awhile feeling really bad for him and his new girlfriend...so worried about them that I did not pay attention to me....it took a long time for some other emotions to come it. I was surprised that I was not angry right away, and at times struggled to not fit my feelings "into" a box.

In the last few weeks I have realized how bad it could have gotten for me (he was functional during our relationship), I did not think he abused me, but I am coming to realize that he did not get physical with me....that does not cover the emotional stuff and some verbal interactions that happened.

I have been emotional about it, but again surprised that I am feelings such utter appreciation for being out of a situation that could have been awful.

I am feeling what is there for the first time instead of what I think is "should" be feeling. It is much more authentic and real, but sometimes I surprise myself. As long as I am gentle with myself though it works out. I only create more problems if I am harsh with myself.
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