Blue29:
I know how tough this is but this is also the moment when you get to say "no more"...the moment you can decide to make the future so much better than the past. You never, ever have to feel this way again.
Write here, read, and learn. Lots of us here once felt just as you do now but have moved on to better, healthier lives. We don't all follow the same path but we have the same goal.
Welcome to SR!