(not sure why this part didn't make it in the original post)
Although he is back on his meds, I think it is the drugs that are the reason he needs them. But he won't quit because "he's in constant pain". When I explain to him that medications prescribed by the doctor are covered by insurance and pot is not that has no effect. He just says that medication for pain just screws up his stomach. He needs to smoke pot.
We've just moved to a new town, my oldest has started in a new school, my children had settled into a new daycare. I am so stupid to have believed that things would be different when our money troubles were all done. Now I have a new mortgage, 3 kids who lives have been upside-down for over a year while we were selling our house and moving, no friends, no life, no way of getting around without AH since I can't drive and there is no public transportation.
Last weekend he said "I haven’t smoked anything in 3 days and I don't want to smoke anymore” Hallelujah! We're saved!
Friday he had a bag in his pocket and was right back to it again. So I guess he only quit until payday?
I don’t want to leave him; I don't want to kick him out. I don't want to be a single mother of 3. I don’t want him to be an addict. I don't want to be miserable anymore. I don't want to be humiliated and have to admit I made a mistake by marrying him. I don't want to be humiliated in public - grocery stores, restaurants etc. when he loses his cool and screams at me or the kids, curses and causes a scene. I don't want to move into the city so I can use public transportation - I don't like the city, I’ve lived there and I have no desire to raise children in the city - scares the heck out of me! I grew up in the country and that's where I want to be.
I'm scared - what if he never quits? I'm scared- what if I can't get my 5 year old to stop having bursts of anger and using the exact same phrases Daddy does? I'm scared - when I ask my 3 year old to pick up the toys I get "I need to poop" just like Daddy does when there's work to do. I'm scared - my 5 year old breaks the rules and when caught starts crying and insisting "I'm not lying! I'm not lying!!”
I’m fine – AH is good today. He’s in a good mood. He actually did a few things around the house. I’m fine – I can keep everything happy. I’m fine – I’ll just stop trying to get him to pitch in. I’m fine – I’M SUPERMOM and I can do it all it’s worth it because if I don’t push him he spends more time with us and then we’re a happy family.
I’mF.I.N.E.
(F***ed up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional)