Everyone's support has been amazing and helpful through this process, I'm so grateful for SR! I wouldn't have married my AH either, I had second thoughts many times during the engagement. But being the codependent I am, I ignored my feelings. I told myself "you can't turn back, everyone's happy about the wedding, they would be disappointed!" I truly believed everything happened as it was meant to, and I was able to finally see my issues and change them. I've changed, and the relationship can't work anymore because it means I have to stay sick and crazy, if not for what he is doing, but for what he did, the past can not be undone. He is a trigger for me and I am a trigger for him. His behavior is unpredictable, a future with him is uncertain. And as I heal from my codependency I find I need him less, I give myself all the care and validation I need. I feel so at peace!
But when I'm around him I feel like my head is foggy, I feel confused. But then when I'm alone again I laugh! The things he says are so silly and don't make sense! Like he says if i had told him a long time ago that I was thinking about divorce, he would have changed. So he didnt change his behavior, stop stealing family money, verbally abusing, lying, and drugging because I didnt tell him I wanted a divorce soon enough. See how its my fault? I'm responsible?
He has completely refocused on me, my feelings, my needs, and still continues to avoid taking any actions to solve his own problems.
For today, I'm staying the course, I'm taking care of me, I'm using the map all those who have gone before me have made, and I know ill get where I'm going!