Hi papagalo...I know where you are coming from. My AH did not think he had a problem with drinking, and then I realized that he really and truly just did not understand why it was a problem, what it is, and when I explained with the ranting and raving or even just saying he was an alcoholic, he got very defensive and the conversation for all practical purposed - ended the minute I said "you are an alcoholic". So, good or bad, when I said that about us having "an alcoholic marriage" in the non-confrontational way - it worked wonders. Then he actually listened because I was being accountable for my piece of it too (in his eyes). I'm at the point where I am still trying to make this marriage work and it's very important in dealing with his personality type to approach things the right way, if I want him to "hear" what I'm saying. But, really, aren't we all kind of that way? Don't we immediately shut down when we feel we are being attacked? So, maybe it's a bit manipulative? - but, I view it as more the Dale Carnegie way of thought and how to get people to at least entertain your point of view. I also, give him examples of things I have learned about myself and how I am working on them, and I have apologized to him for my nagging and manipulation and controlling - so I feel free of my guilt - not for him, but for me. BUT, because I did that, I can see that now he is opening his mind to ways in which HIS behavior is destructive. Kind of like since I have the courage to disect myself, maybe he feels like he can do it to himself. Who knows... my advise would be just to always check your motivation, and think of a way to say things that starts out with a positive note. One other thing I explained to my husband that seems to have hit home with him is to tell him (and this is true) that I am always worried about my parenting techniques and if I handle situations the right way with the children - because of that, I greatly respect his opinion and his input to help me, but that when he is drinking, it's hard for me to put credibility into what he says because I feel like "his head is not in the game". He seemed to resonate with that. I worry that I am being codpendent sometimes, or manipulative - to be perfectly honest - but, it seems to have been successful for me, in at least making him consider the alcohol problem. And really, I'm just being honest, but in a tactful, non threatening way, I think? And again, I think a lot of it has to do with what your want from your situation. I know he has to be the one to decide to quit, and I can't control that...but, at least this way I know that I have explained my position clearly and in a non-judgemental, peaceful way. Good luck...I'm open to any suggestions too!