got any good, non-confrontational phrases???

Old 10-25-2004, 03:30 PM
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papagalo
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got any good, non-confrontational phrases???

I'm new and recently posted my story today. I've been reading a few of the posts and noticed someone named "Peaches" had a great non-confrontational phrase that could be used if a person were to approach an alleged alcoholic about his or her drinking. it was: "You and I both exhibit the behaviors of two people living in an alcoholic marriage."

I REALLY LIKED THAT, and am now hungry for more. Does anyone else have any good non-confrontational phrases they use with their alcoholic partner. I am trying to be careful about how I communicate. I don't want to get "blamey" or "finger-pointy" when I speak to my husband.

It doesn't matter what the subject is, does anyone have any non-confrontational communication techniques that they can share with me?
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Old 10-26-2004, 06:46 AM
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I asked my hubby how much he would 'like' to be drinking if he could wave a magic wand and anything was possible. He said he'd like 5 nights not drinking and 2 nights where he could drink. I left it at that. Much later (like a week or two) I asked if we ought to make it a target - and I asked him what things made it difficult to keep the drinking down. I figured that as it was I didn't have many answers so I'd better find out how he saw it.

At the time he was only drinking about a 4 pack a night but as he's previously had a very severe drink problem - a 4 pack was too much for him.

It did start to get him thinking, he would plan non-drinking days and often fail - but even that sunk in. Eventually we acknowledged that we both needed to know whether he or the booze was in control - if it was the booze we'd agreed to stop completely. The test was whether he could get the drinking to where HE had said he wanted it - just two days a week. Trying to do that carried on for about 6 weeks, at which point he'd improved and was having at least one or two days not drinking but the effort was immense and overall it got to a point where he didn't think he would make it. The result was him suggesting we stop completely 10 days ago - and we have.

It's not so much a non-confrontational comment - more that I tried to keep confrontation out of it. He's got very little self confidence and if I'd tried suggesting he was still acting as a drunk (ie an addict) it wouldn't have helped, it's different for him to decide for himself it's not really in his control.
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Old 10-26-2004, 06:57 AM
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I don't know about "phrases". I finally got to the point where I understood that I wasn't going to say anything that would have any impact on his choice to drink.

Now I say what I mean and mean what I say. When I say something, it's not open for debate. I'm not saying it to find out his opinion or to get him to change. I'm saying it because I am letting him know what I know - for sure.

I try not to say anything in the "heat of the moment". I never have a serious conversation with him when he's drunk. And, when I inform him of a decision I've made or something I have learned, I say it once and I mean it.

He definitely understands that something has changed with me. He will act on that in whatever way he chooses.
L
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Old 10-26-2004, 08:48 AM
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Hi papagalo...I know where you are coming from. My AH did not think he had a problem with drinking, and then I realized that he really and truly just did not understand why it was a problem, what it is, and when I explained with the ranting and raving or even just saying he was an alcoholic, he got very defensive and the conversation for all practical purposed - ended the minute I said "you are an alcoholic". So, good or bad, when I said that about us having "an alcoholic marriage" in the non-confrontational way - it worked wonders. Then he actually listened because I was being accountable for my piece of it too (in his eyes). I'm at the point where I am still trying to make this marriage work and it's very important in dealing with his personality type to approach things the right way, if I want him to "hear" what I'm saying. But, really, aren't we all kind of that way? Don't we immediately shut down when we feel we are being attacked? So, maybe it's a bit manipulative? - but, I view it as more the Dale Carnegie way of thought and how to get people to at least entertain your point of view. I also, give him examples of things I have learned about myself and how I am working on them, and I have apologized to him for my nagging and manipulation and controlling - so I feel free of my guilt - not for him, but for me. BUT, because I did that, I can see that now he is opening his mind to ways in which HIS behavior is destructive. Kind of like since I have the courage to disect myself, maybe he feels like he can do it to himself. Who knows... my advise would be just to always check your motivation, and think of a way to say things that starts out with a positive note. One other thing I explained to my husband that seems to have hit home with him is to tell him (and this is true) that I am always worried about my parenting techniques and if I handle situations the right way with the children - because of that, I greatly respect his opinion and his input to help me, but that when he is drinking, it's hard for me to put credibility into what he says because I feel like "his head is not in the game". He seemed to resonate with that. I worry that I am being codpendent sometimes, or manipulative - to be perfectly honest - but, it seems to have been successful for me, in at least making him consider the alcohol problem. And really, I'm just being honest, but in a tactful, non threatening way, I think? And again, I think a lot of it has to do with what your want from your situation. I know he has to be the one to decide to quit, and I can't control that...but, at least this way I know that I have explained my position clearly and in a non-judgemental, peaceful way. Good luck...I'm open to any suggestions too!
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Old 10-26-2004, 09:14 AM
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I learned these from our counselor yrs ago (WAY before DR. Phil too!)

"You may be right"
"Let me know how that works out for you"
"well.... huh"
"That's an interesting thought/perspective"
"Really?"

Some of those are just acknowledging that someone has said something with out agreeing or disagreeing. Also, I agree with those above who say dont get into a serious discussion or argument with someone who is drunk or high. Period
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Old 10-26-2004, 09:16 AM
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BUT: Here is a reading from Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in Al Anon, to consider:


Courage to Change ODAT in Al-Anon II 12/25

In Al-Anon we learn to “Think” before we react to angry outbursts and drunken accusations. We learn to hold our tongues when tempted to interfere in something that is clearly none of our business. We learn the value of silence.

But silence can be more cutting than cruel words when it’s used to punish Deliberately ignoring someone’s attempts to communicate is no better than engaging in a battle of words. Rage that is expressed non-verbally through cold looks and slammed doors is still rage. When I seek to hurt someone else with silence or any other weapon at my disposal, I always hurt myself.

If I have something I need to say and am as yet unable to say it in a constructive manner, perhaps I can go to an Al-Anon meeting or call my sponsor and release some of the explosive feelings. I will remember that my aim is to heal myself and my relationships. I will try to make choices that support this goal.

Today’s Reminder

What message does my silence communicate? Today I will try to align the stillness of my tongue with a stillness of spirit.

“…If the silence has in it even a trace of anger or hostility, it loses all its power…. True quiet has the quality of serenity, acceptance, peace.”

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon
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Old 10-26-2004, 09:21 AM
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oh Osier....you are so right! When I was explaining to my husband that the actual 'drinking' beer is just a symptom of the over all disease, and explaining the other characteristic behaviors of the disease - I aske him "how do you feel about that?". And he answered that he has been confused, and nothing seems to go right, and on and on. Then I told him that I had hit my rock bottom and looked at how I had been handling our relationship and asked myself "how's that working for ya?" and realized - it wasn't. And that's when I dove head into recovery and decided to change. So, then I said - "so, I'll ask you the same thing - how's this working for ya?" I love that!
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Old 10-26-2004, 10:02 AM
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Use a lot of "I" statements, stay away from "You".

Talk from your point of view and how things that he does make you feel.

Ngaire
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Old 10-27-2004, 08:05 AM
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papagalo
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thank you for all your posts!!! what i was looking for were those non-confrontational phrases you learn in program such as, "You may be right" or "That must be hard." I get so angry with myself and feel such rage when he drinks because i hate that he cannot bear to have just one. i know it is a disease, but sometimes that enrages me more. because there's no pill for it! ha ha ha! anyway, i just want to learn to communicate in a language that's respectful of him and myself...even when i'm angry. all your posts and messages have helped. THANK YOU!!!
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Old 10-27-2004, 03:39 PM
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Ngaire is right. No one can argue with what I'm feeling. I have told Mr Magic many times how I feel about something. I don't expect him "fix" me by changing or stopping the behavior, but he has a right to know how I feel about things and where I stand. "I" statements can really help us to share without accusing. Hugs, Magic
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Old 06-12-2011, 12:19 PM
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Non-confrontational Communication



Hi all, I'm a newbie. I have an AH. I just wanted to add that I've had success with using "I" phrases. It's good to avoid using 'you' also. Here's something else that has really helped me to improve communication:

I've been keeping a journal. I include the highlights of the day's dialogue whenever I can. Then a few days later, I go back and read what I've written. It really helps to be able to see how I spoke to my AH and what the response was. More often than not, I'll see what I said and wish that I'd said it differently- so the next time there's a confrontation- I know better how to choose my words.


:-)
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Old 06-12-2011, 01:03 PM
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Hi, and welcome!

This is a VERY old thread, from 2004! Glad you are having some success in changing your communication--just don't expect it to have a huge impact on the alcoholic. You didn't CAUSE the drinking, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it. The changes we make are for us, not to help the alcoholic (who will do what he wants until he is ready to stop).

Why not post a nice intro thread so everyone can get to know you?

Glad to have you here!
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