Erica.. you are right... he sent a pitiful email telling me he relapsed and how miserable he was..
I replied with.. "just let me know when you have moved out"
You know... in reading these boards for almost a year... I've absorbed the concept of no contact and even done it for a few 2 or 3 week periods
Your point Leslie is well taken...to remain in any time of relationship with him is to deepen the trauma and perpetuate the literal crazy making
i am so tired and sometimes i feel i don't even know which end is up.
I think by going no contact i will give myself the space to assess the damage... i don't even know how much damage has been done to my heart and my spirit...
Stepping back from a year of watching the roller coaster of Addiction and recovery....
I am now FINALLY beginning to understand step 1.... I have no control over this thing and my life is not manageable.... for heavens sake im sleeping in a hotel 2 miles from my home for the 10th time in a year because of addiction and my failure to control it or have any impact on it at all... ZERO.
When i was a newbie... if u had told me that my love, support, suffering, research, and compassion would have no impact on him but make me a crazy person who couldn't think rationally at times and was starting to question my goodness as a person and personalize things that had nothing to do with me a(i literally had the thought... "what does the escort have that i don't) i would never have believed you. i would have understood but not believed... had to learn the hard way. addiction was making me into a shell of myself... and i don't drink or use.
No contact... just comitting to that is a relief...Dolly was right... Posting and sharing help.
much love to everyone tonight