Originally Posted by
Fandy 
when you were living with your parents over the summer, you said you couldn't WAIT to get back to your apartment and school to focus on yourself.
Maybe school should wait and you should go back home to the safety of a structured life. where you drink in your bedroom at night and go out with friends and get drunk. here and there, booze is everywhere....You need some help from someone who can get you on a better path. I did not know you only weigh 110# you had stated previously that you were "overweight".
Call your parents and ask for help, real help, this is more than alcohol abuse....it can be fixed but you have to realize your head is all over the place.
I'm scared to tell them how bad it's become.
They're going to be angry because they know this recent downward spiral is due to my ex. My ex who they said would break my heart, who they said would use again and end up in jail but I didn't listen.
I can't really blame them for being angry.
And I recently lost about 20 pounds, perhaps I said this when I weighed more then I do know but I can't really trust myself to accurately judge my own body because I tend to have a pretty twisted self image. Even at 110 pounds I feel chunky but that's an entirely different issue.
School does need to wait. I honestly don't see myself lasting but I want to try. The semester has already been paid for, I've already signed a years least for my current place...it would be a waste of so much money to drop out...and time... but I just don't know that I am mentally fit to be here.
I feel like a breakdown is inevitable. I just put up this front around my parents, I don't want them to know how broken I am because I know how angry and disappointed they will be in me. I've put them through Hell, they don't deserve that.
I'm sober tonight. It's so hard. I'm sitting here reading No More Letting Go and listening to music. I won't sleep much tonight.
I am still feeling ashamed and lonely. I have reached out to a good friend and told him what I did. He is a recovered addict who has been clean for 6 years.
He agrees with all of you here, of course. He's been watching me self-desctruct for 10 years. He lives down south but he's helped me through something pretty dark times in my life and I've helped him through his.
It was comforting to hear a guy tell me that it wasn't okay for him to do what he did. And how I was too drunk to really consent to anything. He even offered to pay for Plan B for me but I told him I'd take care of it.
I do have good people in my life. And I have the potential for a much better life than the one I'm currently leading I just don't know how to get there.
But I really don't know how I'll cope with school. I can barely get out of bed to shower some days lets alone handle papers and endless reading and assignments...
I thought being here might be different. Like I could change my behavior but I always find excuses. Not to commit to recovery or meetings. Before it was because my parents wouldn't approve now what?
I just sit in my room crying and drinking myself half to death and screwing random strangers instead of driving a few towns over to go to a meeting and actually do something positive?
I'm happy to hear there are other women out there who have been in the same place I'm in now. I've done something like this before but never quite so bad.
Hopefully this night just leaves an emotional scar and there are no physical repercussions.