FenwayFaithful

I'm so sick and hungover I can barely type this.

I woke up in some random guy's apartment this morning. On his floor specifically so apparently he didn't want to share the bed with the ***** who f****ed him.

I assume we had sex but I don't remember.

I snuck out before he woke up.

We must of hooked up because I woke up in his Tshirt and no bottoms.

Hopefully he at least used a condom but I didn't see any in his small bedroom, used or unused and I even took a quick glance in the trash.

I am so scared for myself =( what did I do? What if this guy had been a worse person than one who just had sex with me?

I feel so sick emotionally and physically. =(

I've been drinking every day. But yesterday I ran out passed closing time at the packie so I went to the bar.

Two drinks there is all I remember. Then waking up at this guys house,

How can you have sex with someone and not remember?

I feel so disgusting and ashamed =(

DalyCityTrain

Sounds like a great reason to stop drinking.

I'm certain everyone here has done things they aren't proud of....I knew a guy who woke up to a beast so ghastly, it helped him quit for a number of years.

Rock bottom comes in many forms...

candi7

First off, you need to go get a "plan b" pill from either Walmart or Planned parenthood. You have 72 hours to take these pills-to avoid pregnancy.

You obviously see you have a problem with alcohol, so maybe you need to address that in your life. You may need professional in house detox/rehab or you may need help from your doctor in the detox time and work a program (I'm involved with the Alcoholics Anonymous).

I've done my share of disgusting and shameful things-but if you work a program-life will get better and those memories become distant ones..

Don't beat yourself up, do something to better yourself... good luck sweetie!

FenwayFaithful

The worst part of all this is I can't stop.

I know I should and have every reason in the world to but I don't know that I can cope with life without drinking

That is the most disgusting part of all of this. This isn't the first time I've made a stupid sexual decision because of drinking and I'm sure it won't be the last.

Why can't I stop? I feel like I want to but at the same time I feel like I don't. For me drinking is about numbing emotions I can't deal with. My now recent ex ABF was just put in jail and I can't deal with it. Hence the drinking.

Before this I was sober. But now I just can't stop. Or won't stop.

I know everyone does stupid thing they aren't proud of when they drink. But WTF is it going to take for me to know when enough is enough? I mean WTF is wrong with me that I think I can't get through today without drinking after what happened last night?

pipparina

You're not alone. Sounds like some of the experiences I have had. The shame was horrible. Have you tried to stop drinking? Amazing how once you stop drinking, you don't have sex with people without remembering.

FenwayFaithful

How can I not feel disgusting and beat myself after this ya know? I am really no bette than my jail bound ABF (well he's my ex now even drunk I wouldn't cheat). How can I be so pissed at him when he was drunk and high when he committed the crimes he did.

Apparently people are capable of anything when they drink/use.

I know I probably need AA I wasn't going to AA before really. I did for a bit but once I got over the "hump" I stopped and stayed sober on my own.

I know Plan B is needed. I'm on the pill but sometimes I forget to take it which I know is bad. Is there a place to get it cheap or free? It's so expensive. And I'm poor.


I've tried to stop with and without success.

But with my EXABF in jail as off 3 and a half week ago I started drinking heavily again. I just don't know how to handle that.

Thanks for your replies.

pipparina

It looks like you're in Boston, which I assume, if anything like NYC, has lots of AA meetings. Why don't you try to get to one today? You may be surprised, after hearing other horror stories, how much better you will feel. Much better than the alternative, drinking away the shame only to add to the list of horrors, not knowing where alcohol may take you tonight.

Don't worry about stopping forever, just today. If I didn't go to meetings in the beginning, I would never had made it. The stories people told helped me realize I wasn't the only one out there with a past I was ashamed of. That alone made me feel a sense of relief.

DayTrader

I hear plenty of stories like that from women in AA meetings.

I'm damn lucky I'm not a girl (well, sometimes I'm darn girl-ish...but that's another story - lol). Given the the sexual decisions I made stone sober, I can only imagine how bad they'd have gotten had I been born a female and drank like I did.

I'm with with ya Fenway. I had soooooo many reasons to quit but, at that last second, it would seem like I'd just change my mind and go drink again. I can see looking back with the clarity of hindsight that I wasn't deciding.......or choosing....... I had no choice, given the state I was in. Drinking habitually was the best I could do.

Although our life's events were different..... I'm totally hip with the "guilt and shame" deal. Of ALL of it, that was by far the worst. I could take ppl hating me, could take the courts, the cops, even the failed marriage and the loneliness. What was absolutely un-frickin-bearable was what my head connnnnnnnnstantly told me about myself - it was far from pleasant. To my core, I hated myself.....loathed myself......was constantly disappointed with myself. And as you said......hell, I knew it wasn't going to stop and I'd end up hating myself more tomorrow or the next day.

Somewhere along the way though, I was literally forced into recovery. Heh....surrender huh? Not for me. I went kicking and screaming. Didn't even REALLY want to quit drinking. I did, however, take the "medicine." Just like a shot...you don't have to want it, like it, or even believe it'll work - but if you TAKE/GET the shot......it starts to work. For me, that medicine was in AA and it was working those stupid-looking steps that I was convinced wouldn't really help me much, if at all. Being honest......for a little while, I was a little mad that it DID work... lol.... sometimes I'd rather be right and miserable than wrong and happy.

Recovery's possible, that I know for a fact. Wishing for it......needing it.......that doesn't go as far as you'd think. Working for it......ah, that's the ticket.

ebshot

Check Planned Parenthood for reduced cost Plan B. They will work with you on payment. I know it's expensive at the pharmacy so your best bet is PP.

I don't thing there is anything wrong with being disgusted with your actions. But don't let it dictate your future. It is in the past and it is over. Take the steps to change your future actions.

Hang in there Fenway.

hypochondriac

It doesn't sound like drinking is working for you FenwayFaithful... It may be temporarily blocking out some nasty thoughts but it isn't actually helping you deal with the fact your ABF is in jail or anything else. Making that leap into sobriety isn't easy but it gets better with time.

Plenty of us have been where you are now, and feeling guilty is not going to be much use to you. An AA meeting and a GU clinic however will probably help you a lot. Try to take some positive steps rather than dwelling on what happened x

Fandy

student health should be open. I would think your insurance through the school would cover it...along with HIV testing and STD testing...HEP-C etc.

I'm amazed that you don't have $$ for the Plan B pill, but you have $$ for booze and calls from jail.

I hope you come to terms with yourself and don't blow grad school before you start. can you call home to get some support? if you were my daughter, i would want to help you through this, because you are way over the top with reaction to the break-up with the scummy boyfriend....you are only 24 years old, you have a whole beautiful life to LIVE.

if you only had 2 drinks, perhaps you were given a drug???? (sorry i work in surgery IDK much about this kind of pharmacology)

aeo1313

In college I woke up many times naked in strange men's apartments and dorm rooms. It makes me sick to think about it now. It never slowed down my drinking. I'm 36 and 4 months sober- you can be too.

Don't keep making the same bad decisions. You have the power to put a stop to it. Now.

jessd

your worth more than u know

mfanch

20 years of drinking and using had me waking up in 100's of strange beds. It doesn't have to be that way. I have not had to sleep with a strange man in over 3 years now and the feeling of being in control of my decisions and my body is indescribable. It can be done. There is a solution.

MartyMcFly1

Tough night! Sounds exactly how I drink. A few drinks and then blacked out before you even realized your buzzed. I agree with the others you should search out a meeting. I went to my first one yesterday. It wasn't so bad. Everyone is very nice and most of all when it's your turn to talk everyone listens. It feels good to get things out there and have other people know what you mean without looking at you like you're a monster. Because you aren't, you just continue to make that one bad decision that is clearly haunting all of us. Picking up that one drink is what hurts me. It sounds like you have that same issue. Go to a meeting. Try and learn from last nights mistake. Don't let it get you down, just try and not let it happen again. You can do it.

candi7

Alcohol makes us go places we are better off not going.. but we did and it will take time-but you can forgive yourself. Planned parenthood in Florida have for $30.00, Walmart is like $46 for the cheapest... (I had to help a friend recently). Alcoholic Anonymous has helped me sooo much! I've met some awesome people, met my best friend and I have a great sponsor now! It really is worth it. When I tried to dry out myself I would always go back to drinking... If you can, give it a try.

NatalieN

FenwayFaithful we all have done things we are ashamed of. Let the pain of regret and shame propel you forward in your recovery but once on your way, get rid of these feelings, they are toxic and they keep you stuck in the vicious cycle. There is no use for regret or shame in recovery.

You say part of you doesn't want to quit. That part is not you, it is your addiction. It's ok for your addictionto speak to you in words and feelings but you don't have to listen or act on the feelings.

Best wishes on your journey

Natalie

CarolD

Hope this will be your final drinking experience...
It certainly can be.

2granddaughters

I beg to differ with that statement.

FF, I wish you the best.

Bob R

Nuway2fly

Fenway, here's a link you may find helpful for emergency contraception if you can't obtain Plan B. I agree with the ebshot about calling Planned Parenthood, or your local health department, although I doubt you could reach the latter today.

Emergency Contraception: Pill brands, doses, and instructions