I wasn’t drugged. I was quite drunk before I got to the bar. But not drunk enough, and the store was closed so I went to the bar down the street. I do remember the guy bought me a drink. I don’t remember going home with him.
For the record, my EXABF is funding our phone calls and plan B is like 50 bucks out here, very expensive! And the liquor I buy is 12 dollars for a handle.
BUT I went through that in four days.
I’m a 110-pound girl; I should not be going through a handle of vodka in four days.
I have been drinking almost every day since my EXABF was arrested about a month ago.
This is a cycle for me.
I’m going to start therapy Wednesday.
I’m not drinking today. That’s all I can promise myself. When I start thinking about tomorrow or next week it’s too overwhelming.
I just have to take it day-by-day or hour-by-hour.
I’m in Graduate School, I have important things to focus on. I can’t throw my life away over an addict and by abusing alcohol.
I have absolutely no self-esteem and these self-destructive tendencies and codependent relationships are not helping me. I’m depressed and heart broken and I’m using alcohol to self-medicate. Just like I always do.
But it does more harm than good.
I am from Boston but I recently moved. Four days ago in fact. I am on my own, very isolated and lonely. There are meetings out here but I’m in a rural community so there are nowhere near as many as there are in the city.
Limited, but available.
I feel like I really need a program of some sort but my parents have no idea what’s going on…well… not NO idea but… they do not know the extent of my depression or alcohol dependence.
I know I need to commit 100 percent of myself to recovery. But life without alcohol seems so scary… I feel like it will isolate me from everyone even more. I feel like it would be impossible to cope with my life sober.
I don’t know how to deal with my emotions or stress and I am SUPER shy, despite how I seem on here, I really get nervous in social situations and drinking helps that so much… but it obviously does more harm than good.
It just feels like a security blanket. It’s hard to give up.
I just feel violated and taken advantage of. I was blacked out, falling down drunk judging from the bruises. I'm sure I was asking for it and it's not his fault, it's my own. I act like a sl** when I drink and will straight up tell a guy I want to f*** him when I would NEVER do that sober. EVER.
I promised myself I'd never let myself get used for sex again. But here we are again.