seek

I don't see my grandson much . . . we are mostly "very little contact" so he can work on his recovery. He and I have a very close, but volatile relationship . . . the combination of me being an authority figure and him being a teenager (even if 19 now) and an argumentative alcoholic has led to rocky times.

He had a slip last week, which was very disturbing (because there are serious legal implications) and he was "missing" for awhile . . .but I saw him today at church. I wanted to support him. I did an analysis of my motives before I went and it felt ok to me - It felt like something I wanted to do that would be relatively safe, and I would most likely not feel resentment about the effort.

It was mostly pleasant . . .but then he wanted a ride somewhere . . .that has been a trigger in the past for both of us . . .the ride went fine . . .he showed restraint . . .at one point he wanted to argue with me but stopped himself . . .

I think what unnerves me is that I keep expecting him to be "normal" and rational and I keep getting upset when that is not forthcoming (I know, I know . . .I am wildly idealistic and can go into denial because I want him to be ok, I suppose).

He did look good . . .church was good - I enjoyed the sermon (and I am not a church person).

I think what unnerved me is seeing that he is still very critical of me - I feel kind of hurt by that . . .the other thing is that because he is technically an "adult." I keep expecting him to act like one and I want to have a more reciprocal relationship with him . . .I want him to care about me and not just have it be a one-way street . . .again, wildly idealistic and in denial there.

I texted him afterwards that I hoped in the future that we could have better communications and he said he thought our communications were good today - and we weren't arguing with each other like wild beasts, so that is an improvement, for sure.

Some of it is "empty nest" longing on my part - and because the rest of my family is out-of-touch (the trauma of his alcoholism drove huge wedges in the family and I was basically blamed for his disease, which is crazy, if you really knew the actual dynamic) . . .anyway, because I don't have family and it is a holiday, I think I just felt a little let down and disappointed that there wasn't more of a connection. I am basically just a fringe person in his life - someone who brings him stuff and is there for him in that way - but not a real person, really . . .and I guess that is a somewhat normal grandma/older teenager dynamic . . . but it still bothers me.

I don't know if it's his teenage-dom/young adult egocentricity or his alcoholism or the combination of the two . . .not sure exactly what is at play - but I just wish we could have a real interchange or at least one that might feel a tad bit more reciprocal and not so one-way.

The other thing that happened to me that is not good is that I began obsessing if he was telling the truth (in my mind - didn't confront him). This is borne out of worry about his sobriety and in light of his recent relapse and the potentially severe consequences of such things. I have lost a lot of faith in the future . . .I think this is "normal" for a person in my shoes . . .just wanting him to be healthy. I do a lot of practices and know his sobriety is between him and God, yet still, as a human grandma, I can't help but want him to make "good, healthy decisions."

This is a little bit of a sticky point for me - because when kids do good, you are happy and people celebrate (when anything good happens) . . .but it is sometimes considered "sick" to want your child or grandchild to be healthy (from the "program" standpoint that I guess you're supposed to not care if you trust in God . . .I really don't get this point because I will ALWAYS want him to be healthy . . .there is no amount of program where I won't care . . .I do realize that I have no control, but that to me is a different issue).

So I am not sure what I think about today . . .it was a little bit of a high cost to me . . . but I really wanted to "be there" for him - no other family showed up and I guessed that would be the case. I don't know why I feel so responsible in that way - some would say that is not healthy - he certainly WOULD NOT do the same for me - no way.

I think the other thing I noticed is just the simple contrast between the busyness in his life and the absence of busyness in mine . . .he has meetings to go to, a recovery program to work and all kinds of other stuff going on and I am feeling kind of isolated (and part of it is self-imposed because I do not wish to go to meetings - another story - I went for years and my thing right now is just wanting to define my life in ways that don't involve alcoholism or addiction).

I had a fantasy today of "doing a geographic" for myself . . .just how it would feel to get totally away from this problem and live in another part of the world . . .

This was a long muse . . .I was just processing because I can see that I had some unreasonable expectations and felt a little disappointed and also was surprised that my fear and compulsiveness came up so strongly . . .