Not Exactly Sure What My Problem Is . . .

Old 09-02-2012, 08:58 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
seek's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
Not Exactly Sure What My Problem Is . . .

I don't see my grandson much . . . we are mostly "very little contact" so he can work on his recovery. He and I have a very close, but volatile relationship . . . the combination of me being an authority figure and him being a teenager (even if 19 now) and an argumentative alcoholic has led to rocky times.

He had a slip last week, which was very disturbing (because there are serious legal implications) and he was "missing" for awhile . . .but I saw him today at church. I wanted to support him. I did an analysis of my motives before I went and it felt ok to me - It felt like something I wanted to do that would be relatively safe, and I would most likely not feel resentment about the effort.

It was mostly pleasant . . .but then he wanted a ride somewhere . . .that has been a trigger in the past for both of us . . .the ride went fine . . .he showed restraint . . .at one point he wanted to argue with me but stopped himself . . .

I think what unnerves me is that I keep expecting him to be "normal" and rational and I keep getting upset when that is not forthcoming (I know, I know . . .I am wildly idealistic and can go into denial because I want him to be ok, I suppose).

He did look good . . .church was good - I enjoyed the sermon (and I am not a church person).

I think what unnerved me is seeing that he is still very critical of me - I feel kind of hurt by that . . .the other thing is that because he is technically an "adult." I keep expecting him to act like one and I want to have a more reciprocal relationship with him . . .I want him to care about me and not just have it be a one-way street . . .again, wildly idealistic and in denial there.

I texted him afterwards that I hoped in the future that we could have better communications and he said he thought our communications were good today - and we weren't arguing with each other like wild beasts, so that is an improvement, for sure.

Some of it is "empty nest" longing on my part - and because the rest of my family is out-of-touch (the trauma of his alcoholism drove huge wedges in the family and I was basically blamed for his disease, which is crazy, if you really knew the actual dynamic) . . .anyway, because I don't have family and it is a holiday, I think I just felt a little let down and disappointed that there wasn't more of a connection. I am basically just a fringe person in his life - someone who brings him stuff and is there for him in that way - but not a real person, really . . .and I guess that is a somewhat normal grandma/older teenager dynamic . . . but it still bothers me.

I don't know if it's his teenage-dom/young adult egocentricity or his alcoholism or the combination of the two . . .not sure exactly what is at play - but I just wish we could have a real interchange or at least one that might feel a tad bit more reciprocal and not so one-way.

The other thing that happened to me that is not good is that I began obsessing if he was telling the truth (in my mind - didn't confront him). This is borne out of worry about his sobriety and in light of his recent relapse and the potentially severe consequences of such things. I have lost a lot of faith in the future . . .I think this is "normal" for a person in my shoes . . .just wanting him to be healthy. I do a lot of practices and know his sobriety is between him and God, yet still, as a human grandma, I can't help but want him to make "good, healthy decisions."

This is a little bit of a sticky point for me - because when kids do good, you are happy and people celebrate (when anything good happens) . . .but it is sometimes considered "sick" to want your child or grandchild to be healthy (from the "program" standpoint that I guess you're supposed to not care if you trust in God . . .I really don't get this point because I will ALWAYS want him to be healthy . . .there is no amount of program where I won't care . . .I do realize that I have no control, but that to me is a different issue).

So I am not sure what I think about today . . .it was a little bit of a high cost to me . . . but I really wanted to "be there" for him - no other family showed up and I guessed that would be the case. I don't know why I feel so responsible in that way - some would say that is not healthy - he certainly WOULD NOT do the same for me - no way.

I think the other thing I noticed is just the simple contrast between the busyness in his life and the absence of busyness in mine . . .he has meetings to go to, a recovery program to work and all kinds of other stuff going on and I am feeling kind of isolated (and part of it is self-imposed because I do not wish to go to meetings - another story - I went for years and my thing right now is just wanting to define my life in ways that don't involve alcoholism or addiction).

I had a fantasy today of "doing a geographic" for myself . . .just how it would feel to get totally away from this problem and live in another part of the world . . .

This was a long muse . . .I was just processing because I can see that I had some unreasonable expectations and felt a little disappointed and also was surprised that my fear and compulsiveness came up so strongly . . .
seek is offline  
Old 09-03-2012, 03:26 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Thanks for sharing. We all struggle sometimes.....no matter how much program we have under our belts.

gentle hugs
ke
Kindeyes is offline  
Old 09-03-2012, 04:40 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 316
I have to practice gratitude in relationships that I have that may or may not be repaired. In my situation, I have a child who lost respect for me. I'm an recovering alcoholic and I work my program, and doing pretty well. I had to change my approach to her, I have to shut my mouth when I'd love to speak my mind, I have to treat her with respect and call her my young adult daughter (i want to baby her). I have to support her and the choices she's making for higher learning. I'm having to pull myself out emotionally, just support her in all that she's doing and give her unconditional love. Now my son who is already an adult-he reminds me of her age and not to take what she says to heart, that she will grow out of this. In the teenage years, they still are dealing with all those hormones and they want their independence-when we stand in the way-we become the enemy. Unfortunately when she was growing up, I balanced being her friend and parent (her father was present-but not there). She never got in trouble in school, never picked up drinking or drugging, she's always been good kid.. And as far as my drinking-maybe I had 6 months of it that affected her. But her perspectives are different than mine-she looks at things differently and I know we all do, but it hurts when I remember the days when I was her friend/parent. Or I think back to days when I would try to buy her love..it didn't work-she needed me and I was at fault.

In spite of me, she's doing quite well! I'll keep my mouth shut, work my program, take care of her basic needs and guide her in the direction she wants to go, I have to even respect her perspectives-even if I feel they are wrong-in her mind they are right! She will have to deal with that and hope she can live with her choices. I have to smile when I feel like crying, I have to walk away into another room to deal with me-if she hurts my feelings. I find myself projecting into the future, hoping for something we will have in the future-but it's all up to her.. I will love her unconditionally till then.

BUT.. I will not focus so much on her or anyone to the point that I do not take care of myself (or become codependent).

I have to consider my SOBRIETY! I also consider that I was a person before I got involved with my ex husband and had children. And I will find those things that make me happy, healthy and sober. I'll work on me and when I'm at that step will ask for full amends.

If he restrained himself from speaking his mind-he obviously cares for you! Practice gratitude- He's alive, he's working a program, he's trying in life again, he's trying to make better decisions, etc, etc. AND if you feel like taking a vacation-DO IT, but don't move away to Bora Bora..
candi7 is offline  
Old 09-03-2012, 04:51 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 2,968
I think that which sticks out to me in your post is
"Lonely"..a need for normalcy..I found out that when
dealing with an addicted loved one, that one sane word
of normal is gone from our vocabulary.

Moving geographically only moves us to a different position
of body,not of mind.

I found that I had to change my mind about many things.
Firstly being what are my assets and working on them as
I knew my son wasn't there for me and I had to let go of
the idea that where he was could never be where I could be.

Do you like walks..talks..photo's..do you have other grandchildren
that perhaps have lost you along the way.

The important reality is to not lose yourself in any of this..take an
inventory of you..not them..work on the likes of your life..we often
will leave ourselves out as our focus is misdirected.

One small thing that you enjoy can turn you around..

At your grandchilds age, he simply will not see where you are
in life and your needs..this is where you step up to yourself
and do what needs to be done to help you become a whole
person.

It is difficult..it doesn't come easy..yet it does happen
and it can be happy..just let it come.

lauren
lauren is offline  
Old 09-03-2012, 05:43 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Anaya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Originally Posted by seek View Post
This is a little bit of a sticky point for me - because when kids do good, you are happy and people celebrate (when anything good happens) . . .but it is sometimes considered "sick" to want your child or grandchild to be healthy (from the "program" standpoint that I guess you're supposed to not care if you trust in God . . .I really don't get this point because I will ALWAYS want him to be healthy . . .there is no amount of program where I won't care . . .I do realize that I have no control, but that to me is a different issue).
Letting go and letting God was hard for me. I now recognize that concept as an opportunity for me to give my struggles over to God with God watching over both my son and me. I continue to wish for a healthier life for my son and give him credit for positive choices.

Have a peaceful day! Thanks for sharing.
Anaya is offline  
Old 09-03-2012, 06:04 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I see a lot of myself in your post here. I too cared deeply for my son and wanted only a healthy normal life for him..but it was never mine to control.

I learned that I could live in the problem...his addiction and my worrying about it day and night, living in fear for what might happen to him, or I could live in the solution...my recovery and learning to let go and find a healthier way to live my own life, regardless of how he chose to live his.

After living in the darkness of addiction for too many years, I chose to live in the solution of my own recovery. I went to meetings, I took long walks in nature and took time to notice the beauty that surrounded me. I found a hobby, photography, that took me outdoors and gave me something special to pursue in my own life and I met people who shared my interest and helped me grow into someone who embraced life instead of fearing death.

No matter how much you love your grandson, he will grow at his own speed, make his own decisions, good or bad. You have done your part in raising him, now it's time to give him the dignity of finding his own way.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 09-03-2012, 10:25 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
seek's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
Thank you to EVERYONE who responded. I really appreciate the wisdom and ideas that have been offered.

I am in a bad space. I can tend to be obsessive, and one thing that can really bother me is having obsessive/worry thoughts throughout my sleep, extending into my dreams.

I AM also lonely, which is not helping the situation. I think in my Family of Origin, there was no one who was on the same wavelength, as me, intellectually - no one I could connect with - same with my own children - but my grandson is intellectual . . .I think that is part of the hook of wanting to connect with him, but he is emotionally incapable of doing so and it is not his job to entertain me anyway.

On the worry issue - I think it is exacerbated by beliefs I have about "right" thoughts, actions, etc. (a Buddhist perspective) . . . I think I feel that my grandson is incapable of making good decisions, therefore it is up to me to guide him when I can (I know it is not my job anymore, but I felt I had that job for a long time and there is a lingering feeling that I need to "do something") . . .that last sentiment is complicated by the fact that the family is supporting him in a sober living situation and we need to be involved in some of the counseling . . .so there is an expectation put on the family.

I personally have lots and lots of interests and hobbies - that has never been the problem - but because of my psychology, going for a walk or taking pictures or doing my artwork or writing does not take away my deep fear or grief.

I believe my grandson has a relationship with God - but I also have the belief that he doesn't know what he is doing and the lessons he learns are going to come at a high cost (and I see these are his lessons - but I have lots and lots of grief over the loss of health, loss of opportunities, etc. - He has already lost so much) . . .I know he is young and he can use all of this as "grist for the mill," and hopefully he will do so . . .It's just hard watching someone make mistake after mistake . . .and some of it is really basic stuff - I wish, as I was helping to raise him - I had known what was going to happen and I would have focused more on values - I thought I had guided him, sufficiently . . .I provided a lot of material for him - and so did some other people . . .but his emotional wounds and his own psychology and his own path have superceded all of that, apparently. I am just sad today - for him and for myself. I think I am having a pity party on this holiday!
seek is offline  
Old 09-03-2012, 11:57 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
seek's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
And Bora Bora does sound enchanting!
seek is offline  
Old 09-03-2012, 03:56 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 316
Originally Posted by seek View Post
I am just sad today - for him and for myself. I think I am having a pity party on this holiday!
Thank Goodness tomorrow is a new day... Hope it finds you feeling better!
candi7 is offline  
Old 09-04-2012, 10:03 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by seek View Post

I personally have lots and lots of interests and hobbies - that has never been the problem - but because of my psychology, going for a walk or taking pictures or doing my artwork or writing does not take away my deep fear or grief.
There was a time that I felt like this too. I eventually realized that my interests and hobbies did not give me the same high as my own obsession with fixing my daughter. I had allowed a situation so beyond my control to impact both living and experienceing enjoyment within my own life.

Nothing changed until I did.
outtolunch is offline  
Old 09-04-2012, 10:14 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Victim and Martyr

[QUOTE=seek;3561315]
I think I feel that my grandson is incapable of making good decisions, therefore it is up to me to guide him when I can (I know it is not my job anymore, but I felt I had that job for a long time and there is a lingering feeling that I need to "do something") . . .that last sentiment is complicated by the fact that the family is supporting him in a sober living situation and we need to be involved in some of the counseling . . .so there is an expectation put on the family.

II believe my grandson has a relationship with God - but I also have the belief that he doesn't know what he is doing and the lessons he learns are going to come at a high cost (and I see these are his lessons - but I have lots and lots of grief over the loss of health, loss of opportunities, etc. - He has already lost so much) . . .I know he is young and he can use all of this as "grist for the mill," and hopefully he will do so . . .It's just hard watching someone make mistake after mistake . . .


Dearest Seek, This is so me! I have always rescued my son and the root cause/reason is my belief that he was incapable of taking care of himself. It is a terrible disservice we do because our children NEED to make mistakes without being rescued. There is no way they can grow if this doesn't occur. I dont know if you are aware of the victim-martyr-persecutor triangle, but it is a visual description of being tossed into this chasm with no apparent way out because our roles are defined.
It takes a very strong awareness of when you go into either martyr or victim role (or persecutor) and be able to not automatically respond with those emotions and actions.
Ilovemysonjj is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:33 PM.