It is strange how one can get looped into willfully riding the roller coaster again and again.
I personally contribute my lack of education on Alcoholism and its effects on others to be my seat belt. Hope played a huge part in keeping that seat belt fastened for so long. I have been with my husband for over twelve years. I met him young. He didn't drink then. When he turned 21 we partied a lot. I mean a lot. I thought our drinking habits where normal. I guess "normal" can be a bit skewed if you grow up in a home with an alcoholic father as I did, even though I didn't realize my father to be an alcoholic at the time. Before I knew It I was in a cycle. He was two people. Every time he apologized and begged I thought of the man I fell in love with, the man that brought me flowers when I was sad, the man that took care of me, but I was blinded to the reality. I hoped for “my love” to stay, but he was powerless to the alcohol. The man I received for years was a selfish man; a man who lied, who hid things, and who cursed words of hate at me. I felt so lonely, drained, and stuck. I kept saying if only he didn't drink. I would make excuses as to why we couldn't attend social functions, so I would try to keep him away from the alcohol. I tried to control it for him, because I knew he couldn’t. I tried to get him to cut back, and he would promise he would. They were all empty promises. I enabled him to progress. The problems worsened, and I cried every night. I was so beat down.
I am still with him today. He has admitted his problem, went to rehab, relapsed, but is now active in AA and in personal therapy. I have educated myself. I get my support and am slowly building myself back up. We attend couples therapy. It’s not easy. I don’t know if I am making the right decisions, but I now have a feeling that I will be okay.
It's a long road, but if you were to ask me if I would do it again, or if it was worth it. I would say, “no.” If I knew then what I know now I would have not stayed, I would have not said "yes" at the altar.