sammy2487

Hi,

I’m writing this as I have nowhere else to turn.

I am not the alcoholic and I have a long story to tell so here goes…

Ever since I can remember my mum has drunk. I never used to understand as a child and it became part of the norm. During the day she would be “normal” I would even go as far as saying to me, the perfect mother anyone could ask for but once it got dark that all changed. She would drink and drink and drink this was happening every single night without fail. I would see her go from a perfect mother to someone I didn’t even know… a drunk. I can’t count the amount of times I would have to help her to bed or see her fall down the stairs. She was abusive to me and I can clearly remember one night where I was told she didn’t love me, I was a mistake and she hated me. My dad sat there and I didn’t say a word I just took it and each insult was worse feeling like I was nothing but a regret I can’t have been more than 14. I also remember a time she tried to attack me as I slept and one time physically trying to fight me. It was no secret in my family that my mum had a miscarriage before me and she wanted a boy so I can see why her hatred was directed at me.

Well things took a dramatic turn on the 21st May 2008…

I was at work and I received a call saying mum had been taken to the hospital, she was vomiting blood. Time I reached the hospital 11.30am. She was very weak. She could hardly lift herself up. I found out that she had been hiding the fact she had been vomiting blood for the past couple of days. I had to witness the demise of my mother in front of my eyes… the doctors had no answer… no one medically knew she was an alcoholic. Despite everything I still love my mum so the whole time she was in there I was the only one to stand by her to hold the kidney dish whilst she vomited blood wiping her mouth after seeing the desperation in her eyes. Hearing her hallucinate. I stood there until I was ushered out for her to have her drip changed telling her “I’ll be back, I’m just outside”. Can’t have been more that 5 mins and the crash team rushed in… hearing my sister screaming my dad holding her up. I stood there speechless. My dad, sister and me were ushered in to this horrible dimly lit “family room” we were told her heart had stopped and she was on a ventilator this was at 7pm… 7.30pm she was pronounced dead there was nothing more they could do. I now had the choice whether I wanted to see her… as my last words were to her “I’ll be back” I knew I had to. Took 40 mins before my dad and me were told to come through and she was so cold… the coldest thing I had ever touched. As tears flooded my eyes I told her I loved her and I was sorry for everything. The post mortem came back she had alcohol-induced cirrhosis of the liver… She died because she drunk and drunk and the one thing that ruled her life and the life of my families had finally killed her.
Now the grieving process kicked in and the guilt! If I only did more… if I only told the doctors that she was an alcoholic, if I had pushed her to go and get help she would still be here I would still have a mother and my dad would still have a wife. Not having her there for my 21st birthday killed me. Knowing she won’t see me grow and get married, have a family breaks my heart.

I don’t blame or hate her I know now she was severely depressed…This is a route I’m now going down. I suffer badly from depression I have done since I was 13 due to dealing with having to see her like that night after night. When I go out to drink with friends I drink to excess to block the pain out to forget…

I’m now 24 and there is more to my story… I’m now living with the aftermath and another alcoholic…… my dad!

Living with an alcoholic from as young as I can remember to the age of 20 when she died, I know the signs and its happening all over again… My dad is drinking every night he is hiding his drinks. I know my dad depressed over losing my mum but I can’t even talk to him about it he clams up. He will go to his room for an hour and comes out drunk. He stinks of whisky. I feel guilty going out and sometimes make my excuses not to see my friends as I know when he’s alone its worse. It’s just me and my dad at home, my sister had moved out before my mum died. I have spoken to her about it but she’s now expecting her first baby and I don’t want to stress her out. I just feel there is so much weight on my shoulders… if I approach the subject of his drinking it ends in a blazing row… I just can’t cope with it anymore!! It’s like a never ending circle and the thought of having to live with an alcoholic again makes me want to end it all… even as I type this I know he is in his room drinking! I have no one to turn to. I know no one else who has experienced what I have and having to face it again. I suppose this is why I’m turning to you to see if I there is any advice you can give. I just don’t know what to do…

Please help me.

Sammy