The worst thing thats ever happened to me... Please help

Old 08-29-2012, 02:11 PM
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The worst thing thats ever happened to me... Please help

Hi,

I’m writing this as I have nowhere else to turn.

I am not the alcoholic and I have a long story to tell so here goes…

Ever since I can remember my mum has drunk. I never used to understand as a child and it became part of the norm. During the day she would be “normal” I would even go as far as saying to me, the perfect mother anyone could ask for but once it got dark that all changed. She would drink and drink and drink this was happening every single night without fail. I would see her go from a perfect mother to someone I didn’t even know… a drunk. I can’t count the amount of times I would have to help her to bed or see her fall down the stairs. She was abusive to me and I can clearly remember one night where I was told she didn’t love me, I was a mistake and she hated me. My dad sat there and I didn’t say a word I just took it and each insult was worse feeling like I was nothing but a regret I can’t have been more than 14. I also remember a time she tried to attack me as I slept and one time physically trying to fight me. It was no secret in my family that my mum had a miscarriage before me and she wanted a boy so I can see why her hatred was directed at me.

Well things took a dramatic turn on the 21st May 2008…

I was at work and I received a call saying mum had been taken to the hospital, she was vomiting blood. Time I reached the hospital 11.30am. She was very weak. She could hardly lift herself up. I found out that she had been hiding the fact she had been vomiting blood for the past couple of days. I had to witness the demise of my mother in front of my eyes… the doctors had no answer… no one medically knew she was an alcoholic. Despite everything I still love my mum so the whole time she was in there I was the only one to stand by her to hold the kidney dish whilst she vomited blood wiping her mouth after seeing the desperation in her eyes. Hearing her hallucinate. I stood there until I was ushered out for her to have her drip changed telling her “I’ll be back, I’m just outside”. Can’t have been more that 5 mins and the crash team rushed in… hearing my sister screaming my dad holding her up. I stood there speechless. My dad, sister and me were ushered in to this horrible dimly lit “family room” we were told her heart had stopped and she was on a ventilator this was at 7pm… 7.30pm she was pronounced dead there was nothing more they could do. I now had the choice whether I wanted to see her… as my last words were to her “I’ll be back” I knew I had to. Took 40 mins before my dad and me were told to come through and she was so cold… the coldest thing I had ever touched. As tears flooded my eyes I told her I loved her and I was sorry for everything. The post mortem came back she had alcohol-induced cirrhosis of the liver… She died because she drunk and drunk and the one thing that ruled her life and the life of my families had finally killed her.
Now the grieving process kicked in and the guilt! If I only did more… if I only told the doctors that she was an alcoholic, if I had pushed her to go and get help she would still be here I would still have a mother and my dad would still have a wife. Not having her there for my 21st birthday killed me. Knowing she won’t see me grow and get married, have a family breaks my heart.

I don’t blame or hate her I know now she was severely depressed…This is a route I’m now going down. I suffer badly from depression I have done since I was 13 due to dealing with having to see her like that night after night. When I go out to drink with friends I drink to excess to block the pain out to forget…

I’m now 24 and there is more to my story… I’m now living with the aftermath and another alcoholic…… my dad!

Living with an alcoholic from as young as I can remember to the age of 20 when she died, I know the signs and its happening all over again… My dad is drinking every night he is hiding his drinks. I know my dad depressed over losing my mum but I can’t even talk to him about it he clams up. He will go to his room for an hour and comes out drunk. He stinks of whisky. I feel guilty going out and sometimes make my excuses not to see my friends as I know when he’s alone its worse. It’s just me and my dad at home, my sister had moved out before my mum died. I have spoken to her about it but she’s now expecting her first baby and I don’t want to stress her out. I just feel there is so much weight on my shoulders… if I approach the subject of his drinking it ends in a blazing row… I just can’t cope with it anymore!! It’s like a never ending circle and the thought of having to live with an alcoholic again makes me want to end it all… even as I type this I know he is in his room drinking! I have no one to turn to. I know no one else who has experienced what I have and having to face it again. I suppose this is why I’m turning to you to see if I there is any advice you can give. I just don’t know what to do…

Please help me.

Sammy
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Old 08-29-2012, 03:11 PM
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I saw your post in the friends in family had several good responses. Especially about finding a local Al-Anon or ACOA meeting, they can help you with local resources.

I'll pass along one of the 1st pieces of advice given to me. Read the ACA bill of rights from stickies. Don't let guilt and fear hold you back from healing yourself. It's not selfish, it's self preservation.
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Old 08-30-2012, 07:49 PM
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Yes please find a group for support. Please don't feel this is your job to fix your Dad. He has made his choices and he has to find his way if he wants. It is your job to fix yourself. Watch your drinking, etc., and find your way to health. You don't have to be depressed. Please read my blog. You are not alone.
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Old 08-31-2012, 09:11 AM
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As an alcoholic in recovery, this is my advice to you:

Go to a bookstore and pick up a book called Alcoholics Anonymous (do not accept a substitute!). You can also find this book, sometimes for free, at any AA meeting.
Place this book by your father's bedside. If he asks, tell him you were just lingering around a bookstore one day when inspiration struck and you saw this book on the shelf. Leafing through its pages, you read some of the stories in it and thought it would be something your father would like to read.
Tell him that as fellow alcoholics, the authors of the book understand.
If you're certain he wants to stop, you may bring the book to him as joyfully as though you just struck oil; you will find him reading this book almost obsessively. He will likely go for the Program in the book (the "12-Steps" Program)at once. If you're not certain he wants to stop, then you likely won't have long to wait. Cheerfully see him through more sprees. Do not urge him to follow the Program. The more you hurry him, the more he will resent it, and his recovery may be delayed. The point is that you already planted the seed. Repeated suffering and stumbling will drive him back to the book. Talk about his alcoholism and this book only if he brings the issue up!
Since this book was first published, the Program of AA has released millions of alcoholics from asylums and hospitals of all kinds.

You may not think that a simple book has the power to bring your father into recovery, but here you'd be mistaken. This book was written by people just like your dad who have found a solution to their alcoholism. And because of this, your dad will relate to just about everything written in this book.

If your father wants what we have, and is willing to go to any lengths to get it, then he will be ready.
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Old 09-01-2012, 05:48 AM
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Now the grieving process kicked in and the guilt! If I only did more… if I only told the doctors that she was an alcoholic, if I had pushed her to go and get help she would still be here I would still have a mother and my dad would still have a wife.
"What if"ing yourself won't change the situation. But if you're going to play "what if", I have some other scenarios.

What if you had attempted to intervene and your mom said no. What if you kept trying and trying and trying and trying and still she said no, she would not seek help because she didn't need help. What if you had to stand by, doing everything in your power to get her to stop drinking and it didn't work? What if you told her doctors and they said there was nothing they could do unless she voluntarily asked for help?

What if you did everything you're feeling guilty for not doing, and she still did exactly the same behaviors that eventually led to her death?

What, then, would you feel guilty for? I would guess that you would feel that you didn't try hard enough, that you didn't do more, that you should have locked her in a basement and fed her bread and water.

Here's the hard truth: your mother didn't want help. The scenarios I've listed above have shown up on this forum over and over and over again. People here have tried just about every way imaginable to get their loved one's to stop drinking. It doesn't work unless the alcoholic WANTS to stop drinking. They drive themselves insane with worry and repeated failed attempts at getting their loved ones help.

The sad reality is that there really wasn't anything you could have done to help your mom. I am in no way diminishing your grief - you've lost someone who meant a great deal to you. You will grieve. For many people, guilt is a part of the grieving process. But please be careful about blaming yourself for your mom's death. You did not pour the alcohol down her throat against her wishes. She made those choices.

I would liken it to a smoker who dies of emphysema. Would you hold yourself accountable had that been what happened?

Grieve for your mother. Be angry, be hurt, be sad, be untethered, be all the things that people are when they're in the throes of grieving. But please please don't blame yourself. That path leads to crazy.

I feel very much for your loss. Losing a parent is difficult enough, losing a parent when you're young is harder, losing a parent to something preventable is even worse. Just because it was preventable does not mean YOU could prevent it.
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Old 09-01-2012, 06:29 AM
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Originally Posted by glenns View Post
As an alcoholic in recovery, this is my advice to you:

Go to a bookstore and pick up a book called Alcoholics Anonymous (do not accept a substitute!). You can also find this book, sometimes for free, at any AA meeting.
Place this book by your father's bedside. If he asks, tell him you were just lingering around a bookstore one day when inspiration struck and you saw this book on the shelf. Leafing through its pages, you read some of the stories in it and thought it would be something your father would like to read.
Tell him that as fellow alcoholics, the authors of the book understand.
If you're certain he wants to stop, you may bring the book to him as joyfully as though you just struck oil; you will find him reading this book almost obsessively. He will likely go for the Program in the book (the "12-Steps" Program)at once. If you're not certain he wants to stop, then you likely won't have long to wait. Cheerfully see him through more sprees. Do not urge him to follow the Program. The more you hurry him, the more he will resent it, and his recovery may be delayed. The point is that you already planted the seed. Repeated suffering and stumbling will drive him back to the book. Talk about his alcoholism and this book only if he brings the issue up!
Since this book was first published, the Program of AA has released millions of alcoholics from asylums and hospitals of all kinds.

You may not think that a simple book has the power to bring your father into recovery, but here you'd be mistaken. This book was written by people just like your dad who have found a solution to their alcoholism. And because of this, your dad will relate to just about everything written in this book.

If your father wants what we have, and is willing to go to any lengths to get it, then he will be ready.


Glenns,
this is an awesome post. Very powerful, insightful, and informative. I have never read the BB, but I feel that you have shared one of the most helpful posts I have ever read.
I sure hope that Sammy will try this.
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Old 09-03-2012, 10:58 PM
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Don't feel guilty about anything. Just don't. I know it's painful but If an alcoholic get's him or herself killed because of their addiction, it is no one's fault but their own. More than anything, they had it coming. It may be a harsh way of looking at it but it is the only way that I personally can deal with the pain, hence why I recommend it.

I read a story once where a son had to walk his drunken mother home every night from a bar, all the while being verbally abused by her. One icy cold night, on the way home with his mother, she fell and couldn't stand back up. Frustrated at the fact that her son let her fall, she berated him and told him to get lost. Her son, fed up with her mistreatment of him, decided to do just that and so he left her. The next day, the son woke up and found that his mother hadn't returned home the night before. He finds out that she died in the cold. The son feels crushing guilt over what he had allowed to happen.

When I read that part I thought to myself, "He shouldn't feel guilty for what she brought on herself. She's not dead because he left her, she's dead because she had gotten drunk and repeatedly mistreated her son. This is her just deserts." Again, I realize that this is a bitter, resentful way of looking at it but it is either that or feel depressed over it and I'd take anger over sadness any day. At least anger can be turned into strength.
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