FindingErica hit the nail on the head.
You don't love your AH. You love who he pretend to be or who he was before he started using.
You DON'T love and you don't WANT this man who has lied, used, abused and abandoned you.
THAT is the man your AH is now.
The man you knew, that you laughed with, and loved...is gone. You love someone who no longer exists.
You want THAT back but the sad thing is you can't get back to where you used to be.
Drugs have robbed you both of that.
Drugs are GREAT aren't they? I'm SO glad they exist.
You deserve so much better than an addict who treats you and your son that way. Someone who CAN love you back. Someone who doesn't lie, cheat, steal and use.
But you won't find that in him.
You sound very intelligent and self-aware. This will serve you very well in your OWN recovery!