story74

had an upsetting day...well, really year.
How is it that I still love my xah? Now, keep in mind, I don't communicate with him unless I have to. I get it that it is over, but why do I still believe that there is a 1% chance we will get back together? I miss him so much. Why? He cheated on me for 6 months. He went away with her 2 times..and once on MOTHERS DAY WEEKEND! He left me in debt and with no money. He has abandoned his son (and me). He hasn't acted responsible about anything...late on child support. He is spiteful and angry. He can't be trusted. He's an addict. But, I still love him. I miss him dearly. And I secretly would want him back! Wtf?
I miss that he knew me better than anyone. He was my best bud. We could talk, laugh. We had a great relationship. Until, I got pregnant and he had to grow up. He couldn't do it. Its sad. I know he isn't right for me. I know I deserve better. It is just sad. He is missed by everyone in our family. I can't even be friends with him because he is so unhealthy and untrustworthy. I am still shocked he called me a c*&t. Told me he couldn't stand me. That he was going to talk bad about me to our son. Who is this person? Cocaine has killed him. What is the point of his life? All he does is hurt.

Just sad. Maybe this is just another part of the healing process. I just can't wait until I don't love him anymore.

FindingErica

It sounds like you missed who he was before the drugs. Similar maybe to if he had died, grieving and letting go.

FenwayFaithful

FindingErica hit the nail on the head.

You don't love your AH. You love who he pretend to be or who he was before he started using.

You DON'T love and you don't WANT this man who has lied, used, abused and abandoned you.

THAT is the man your AH is now.

The man you knew, that you laughed with, and loved...is gone. You love someone who no longer exists.

You want THAT back but the sad thing is you can't get back to where you used to be.

Drugs have robbed you both of that.

Drugs are GREAT aren't they? I'm SO glad they exist.

You deserve so much better than an addict who treats you and your son that way. Someone who CAN love you back. Someone who doesn't lie, cheat, steal and use.

But you won't find that in him.

You sound very intelligent and self-aware. This will serve you very well in your OWN recovery!

story74

Yea, on the way home today I felt the same thing...it's like a death. Everything happened so fast. He was discovered and ran away. We never talked about anything. Its like he died abrubtly od a heart attack. Thank you. Hearing it from others feels better. He's gone.

outtolunch

Is it possible that what you love and miss is your own fantasy of the adult you wanted/needed him to be?

Miller05

i know exactly how you feel.

LoveMeNow

I am sorry for your pain. But you are so right, YOU and your son deserve so much better!! It hurts now but when you are healed, happy and meet Mr. Right - you will be so glad you let go!!

washbe2

It's difficult when your heart and your head don't speak the same language. At this point, you're still grieving the loss. But hopefully soon, your heart will begin to believe what your head is telling you. May God bless you in this journey.

lightseeker

I've felt the same things and it really is so confusing and so disheartening. I read a really good book called the The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes. That book really helped me to understand why I felt so draw to someone that has been so horrible to me.

Once I realized that these feelings were just left over damage from the relationship it helped me to move on.

It's pretty normal to feel these things and one day it will all come together and you won't have these feelings that confuse you so much.

I do believe that when you have these sorts of feelings that you really do a lot better when you have a counselor or a sponsor to help you.

Supersarah

I'm feeling the same right now. A collegue told me how she and her dh separated for 3 years and then got back together, it gave me such hope! God I'm an idiot! It is so hard to let go of a once good relationship and it's tough doing it by myself with the kids. I really do still love my ex but I also know that we are done. It depends on what sort of day I'm having as to which bit of my heart has the upper hand. I agree that it's all a part of the grief process.
S

crazybabie

story, I am in the boat with you but we are gonna keep rolling the oars and not sink even when we glance back.

I agree it is grief same as I was told by some on a thread I had a few days back it is hard but we will make it.

Miller05

i remember before i met my husband...i was with a man for several years....it didnt work out...and i knew that we just were not compatible in the relationship. it was just so hard to finally end it.....not because of any type of addiction issue...no...it was the same ole, same ole...i wanted to get married and he didnt. i decided to leave him...and it BROKE my heart....i loved him so much....and thought i would NEVER get over him.

well...eventually, i did...and met some really nice men along the way, including my husband...yes...he used to be wonderful...back in the day. so, it can happen...with time...that is what i do know.

someday...we will be happy again...and maybe the next time around it will be even better because we will be codies in recovery...mentally healthy...and wise...i mean, we have the scars to prove that we have been through hell and back...and still standing...right?

at this point...inner strength is sexy to me. a weak man won't get my number, or a callback.

oooopps

As you make progress on your healing, you will one day come to appreciate not having someone like your xah in your life. Reaching that point is such a gift, but it takes time.

myheartaches

I wish I could say that I don't understand you, but the truth is I do,

I too love someone who treated me badly due to their addiction.

Has this man told you yet that he is sorry, and that he wants to get well, or is he still in the grips of denial?

You can love him, but you cannot continue to enable his behavior nor can you put your life and your son's life at risk because you miss him.

If he loves you he will do what it takes to be there, by honoring his own life.

outtolunch

[QUOTE
If he loves you he will do what it takes to be there, by honoring his own life.[/QUOTE]

This remark makes me a tad uncomfortable. I am infering from it that love can cure addiction. It also seems ripe for the " I was not good enough to be loved enough so he would clean up" sort of thing.

What's love got to do with this?

It's not about us.

Sungrl

myheartaches you hit the nail on the head with that statement. At least for me anyway. I need to hear I'm sorry. I'm a closure kinda person. I think that is why no contact is sooooo hard for me. I am going on 4 days and the urge to see him, call him, be with him is overwhelming. It is so strange to me because I honestly don't believe I love him anymore. A total stranger at the grocery store could ask me out on a date and I would be totally up for it. He has proven himself to be a liar, master maipulator, emotional abuser, leech, thief, etc etc. What draws me to him?? I find him sexy as hell, but our sex life died months ago. thank you all so much for keeping me focused and sane. I hate that we all suffer at the hands of these psychos, but I do know we are strong empowered fabulous women (and men) that will one day wake up and have the urge to be kind to us not these addicts who have done NOTHING to deserve our loyalty.

zoso77

I think, whether you realize it or not, you're answering your own question. Marriage is, at its heart, an emotional investment in another human being. You had a child together. And now he's lost. It sucks, it's not fair, but it is what it is. I wouldn't question what you're feeling because you know that he's very sick, isn't a good partner, and you have to protect yourself and heal. So, yeah, you're healing, and part of healing is going through all the conflicting emotions. Just keep pushing forward as best you can...

Best,
ZoSo